


Don't Worry Baby (Everything Will Turn Out Alright)

by woodchoc_magnum



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bi!Buck, Canon Compliant to a Point, Domestic Fluff, During Canon, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Soft Eddie Diaz, Team as Family, The Team knows, Two Dumb Boys In Love, closeted!eddie diaz, spanning seasons 2 and 3 of the show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:08:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 63,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24711358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woodchoc_magnum/pseuds/woodchoc_magnum
Summary: Buck and Eddie are falling in love, and it's obvious to everyone but them.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan “Buck” Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 191
Kudos: 838





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic for 911, and I've been out of the fanfic game a long, long time.
> 
> A big thank you to SevenSoulMates for her support in these trying times.

Two years ago

Eddie Diaz waltzes into the 118 like he owns the place, with his army boy good looks and a sense of cool, calm and collection that Evan Buckley just does not possess.

He is immediately threatened. He recognises it, but there's nothing he can do to stop it, because it seems like the rest of the team simply welcomes Eddie with open arms. There's no hazing; no pranking; no teasing. Eddie becomes one of _them_ in an instant.

Buck _hates_ it. Hates how they all seem to like him effortlessly; hates how he just fits in, like the spot has always been empty and waiting for him. Hates how relaxed Eddie seems, with that small smile playing on his lips. Eddie is not controlled by his emotions, not the way Buck is.

So he acts like a dick. It's a physical manifestation of the deep insecurity that he's simply not good enough for this job; that he loves them and needs them more than they need him; that they don't appreciate him; that he'll be left behind when he was just starting to feel like he'd found a home.

But Eddie doesn't bite. Eddie doesn't take up Buck's challenge. He simply gives him that little smile, a knowing look, and remains calm.

And weirdly, Buck's fear about Eddie dissipates. Why? He's not sure. Maybe it's the fact that Eddie has lived a whole life outside of the 118; that Eddie has an awesome kid; that Eddie is clearly not bothered by any posturing. Eddie has probably lived a lifetime of macho bullshit in the army and he just doesn't play that way.

~~

Eddie doesn't know what to make of Buck at first.

He thinks he's like a golden retriever, a puppy, desperate for attention and love and grateful for any morsel he's given. And then the puppy tries to bark at him and it's funny, more than anything else. Eddie is not interested in posturing. He's been through enough not to care about that. He's trying to build a life for himself and Christopher, and the fact that Buck is so obviously threatened is more amusing to him than anything else.

The thing is that Eddie doesn't care enough about Buck to be bothered by him all that much. He put up with enough guys like Buck in the army that he just dismisses them now, so he lumps Buck into the category of 'kinda dumb beefy guys who annoy him' and leaves it at that, for the first day, until Buck settles down and actually smiles at him – a genuine, hopeful, 'let's-be-friends' smile, and Eddie thinks maybe he's wrong about this guy in particular.

And then the earthquake happens, and they're paired together, and Eddie feels guilty for ever thinking that Buck is kinda dumb. He's anything but. He's smart and brave; he lives and breathes being a firefighter and he's damn good at his job. They work together as a team almost instinctually. Eddie is nothing but confident with Buck by his side, and whenever he gets distracted, worrying about Chris, Buck is there to remind him that Christopher is in the safest place he can be, and as soon as they're finished for the night, he will drive him to pick up his son. He doesn't have to do that, but Eddie allows it because… there's no motive behind anything that Buck offers him, other than friendship.

Eddie thinks he probably really needs a friend. He doesn't have many, is a loner, focused only on Christopher, but he likes Buck, and realises that he trusts him with his life, _already_. It's clear to Eddie that Buck would do anything for the people he cares about; that he would willingly throw himself into danger, disregard his own life in order to save someone else. Maybe that's why he lets him in so easily. He recognises those same qualities in himself.

Christopher likes Buck instantly. After they collect him from school, and Buck drives them home, chatting happily with Chris the entire time, Eddie invites him in for pizza. They've earned it, he thinks, even though Buck looks surprised – and then positively gleeful – at the invitation.

Eddie drinks a beer with Buck over a pizza and watches him interact with Christopher, like they haven't just had an exhausting day and Buck isn't as weary as Eddie is. Buck listens to Christopher with the expression of a man who thinks that the things he's saying are the most important things Buck has ever heard anyone say, and Eddie thinks, okay. He's a good guy.

Buck waits while he puts Christopher to bed, and they share another beer in relative silence before Buck says, "Sorry I was a dick."

Eddie, who sees that Buck is young, and threatened, and desperate for approval, says, "You don't need to apologise to me."

"I feel bad."

"You got over it quick," Eddie says, leaning on the kitchen counter. "I've seen guys who hate each other for years over this dick measuring bullshit."

Buck cringes. "I was a bit threatened."

"A bit." Eddie has the bottle to his lips, hiding a grin.

"I don't know."

"You're used to being the only superhero on the team."

"Yeah, but… I don't know," he says again, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly. "It felt really great to have a partner to work with; in that building? Someone I can trust, you know?"

"Yes," Eddie says, meeting his eyes briefly. "Someone who has your back."

Buck smiles, tentatively at first, before his whole face lights up. "And you were pretty slick up there, when you caught Ali before she went through the window? I was impressed."

Eddie shrugs, trying to seem casual, modest. "All in a day's work."

"Yeah, I bet." Buck downs the last of his drink, and looks around Eddie's house. "This is a nice place."

Eddie's distracted for a moment, studying the birthmark over Buck's eye curiously, wondering about this guy, where he came from, what his life was like – but when Buck looks at him questioningly, he recovers and says, "Thanks. I had to do a bit of work after we moved out from El Paso. Painted it, stuff like that."

"Just you two, huh?"

"Yeah, just us." Eddie really doesn't want to talk about Shannon, but Buck doesn't press the issue.

"You've got a great kid," he says, and Eddie can tell he's being genuine. "The best kid."

Eddie's grinning like a fool; he can't help it. "He liked you too. Maybe you could come around every now and then. He'd love it."

"I'd love it." Buck's positively beaming. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." Eddie finishes his beer, and sets the empty bottle down on the bench.

"So we're friends," Buck says suddenly, the look on his face turning hopeful.

"Yeah," Eddie says, and holds his hand out so Buck can shake it. "Friends."

~~

"Abby's not coming back," Maddie says to Buck, a month after the earthquake. He doesn't believe her.

"It doesn't look good," Chimney says to him a few weeks after that, and now he's starting to think they might be right.

"Maybe it's time you moved on," Hen suggests gently, another week after that, and there's a hollowness in his stomach that won't go away.

He never talks to Eddie about it, but sometimes he sees Eddie looking at him with curiosity and interest, like he's trying to figure Buck out. He mentions Abby only in passing; never getting too deep with him about it, and Eddie never talks about his ex either, so Buck figures it doesn't matter.

At family dinner one day, when the topic is brought up, Bobby says to Buck seriously, "It's not easy to let go, but I think you should. We are all here for you."

He meets their eyes in turn, and realises that they're right, and they have been right all along.

But it's Eddie, later that night as they're walking to their cars, who says, "Hey man, I'm here for you if ever need to talk."

When Buck looks over for confirmation, Eddie's smiling at him, and suddenly Abby seems very far away.

~~

"He was dating a 911 operator," Hen says to Eddie one day, as they're replenishing supplies in the ambulance. He has finally worked up the courage to ask her about it - he would never ask Buck directly. Buck sometimes looks so sad that Eddie insists he comes over to spend time with Christopher to cheer him up. "He was in love with her. She told him she was going on a trip to Ireland to find herself, and that she would be back, and now she's ghosting him."

"Oh," Eddie says, brain ticking over, trying to work out how this new information about Buck fits into the picture he'd already painted. "I thought… he was dating around."

"He was," Hen says with a laugh. "Boy, if you'd been here early last year… Cap was ready to wring his neck. And then Abby came along and calmed him down."

"That's good," he says. "I don't know if we would've gotten along—"

"Oh, you would've. Everyone loves Buck. Even when he's being an absolute fool, we all still love him. That boy has a heart of gold." Hen stops what she's doing and looks over at Eddie. "You guys are hanging out?"

He nods. "I don't have many friends."

"Neither does he." Hen glances down at her checklist, and then back up at him, her expression inscrutable. "No girlfriend?"

"Who, me? No, I'm… uh, separated. It's just me and Chris." Eddie feels embarrassed, and he doesn't know why.

"And you moved here from Texas?"

"Yeah."

"Well, maybe you should come over, and Christopher can have a play date with Denny," she suggests. "So he can make a new friend."

Eddie's heart lifts. "That'd be great," he says. "Right now, his best friend is Buck."

Hen laughs, a little too loudly, and suddenly Buck sticks his head in through the ambulance doors, looking in at them curiously. "What are you two giggling about?" he asks suspiciously.

Hen grins at him, tossing a wadded-up glove in his direction. "Aren't you supposed to be cleaning the truck? Get out of here."

"I just don't want to miss out on the joke," Buck protests, but disappears from view again, and a second later they hear Chimney shout with exasperation, "Damn it, Buck! Watch where you're going!" as something clatters across the concrete floor.

Hen's grinning. "He's a puppy," she says affectionately. "But he is going to be a great dad one day. You know how you can just tell with some people what they're born to do? Buck is meant to be a dad."

"Yeah," Eddie says quietly. "Yeah, I can see that."

**


	2. Chapter 2

Eighteen months ago

"Don't date her," Eddie says to him.

Buck, who has been flirting with Taylor Kelly all day, turns to him in surprise. "What?"

"Don't do it." Eddie gives him a _look_ that is so quintessentially Eddie – like he knows exactly what Buck is thinking, and it is _infuriating_ – and adds, "She's not a good person."

Buck looks over to where she's chatting with Hen and Chimney and wonders aloud, "Does that matter?"

Eddie gives him another goddamn pointed _look_ again. "You're too good for her."

Buck frowns. What does that mean? He's never considered himself to be much of a catch. Maddie says he's too eager, he wants too much, but he can't help that – if he likes someone, he's all in. And he kinda likes her. She's pretty, and she flirts right back with him, and he needs to move on after Abby, so why not have some fun?

But Eddie is quietly tying up his shoes, head down, focused on the task, and Buck says, "I'm not good enough for anyone," without thinking about it.

Eddie jerks his head up with surprise, but Buck turns his back on him before Eddie can give him another one of those patented looks. It's true, isn't it? He wasn't good enough for Abby. He tried his best and it wasn't enough.

"Buck," Eddie says, his voice gentle, but there's a knock on the glass and when he turns around, Taylor is leaning in through the door.

"Eddie," she says – there's a sickly sweet smile on her face that doesn't meet her eyes. "Can I have a moment of your time?"

Eddie looks positively venomous, and at his open hostility, she takes a nervous step back. "No," he says shortly. "Go annoy someone else."

Taylor's face falls, and her lips twist in a scowl. Eddie turns his back on her, but his eyes flick to Buck.

"Fine," she replies, and stomps away.

"Eddie," Buck says, but Eddie shakes his head and slams his locker shut.

He's mad, and Buck doesn't know why.

~~

"Is Buck coming over?" Christopher asks for the fifth time, pushing a toy car in Eddie's direction. His son is listless and bored and he wants Buck, keeps asking for him, but Buck isn't responding to Eddie's texts.

"I'll find out," Eddie promises him, rising to his feet and patting Christopher on the head before wandering over to the kitchen, his phone pressed to his ear. He and Buck have settled into this routine where they spend their Wednesday nights together, so that Buck and Christopher can have a playdate, and Buck was late. He hadn't thought that he would need to ask Buck if he was coming over, he'd just assumed, and maybe he'd assumed wrong because the phone was ringing endlessly, and—

The front door bangs open. Buck barrels into the house with two pizza boxes and a six-pack of beer balanced precariously on top, his phone ringing in his pocket. Eddie hangs up, filled with relief that Buck wasn't going to disappoint his son.

"Buck!" Christopher cheers from the floor. "You're late!"

"Hey buddy!" Buck replies, setting the food and drinks down on the bench. He pats Eddie on the shoulder briefly before bounding over to sit beside Chris on the floor. "What are we playing?"

As Christopher explains the game, which is to build ramps for cars to fly off, Buck sprawls out on the floor on his side like he damn near lived there with them. Eddie leaves them to it, grabbing some napkins from the drawer and a plate for Christopher. He's angry with himself, because he was so damn sure Buck was fobbing them off to spend time with Taylor Kelly – his gut had been twisted in knots thinking about it – but he was _here_ , and Christopher was positively radiating joy.

Eddie joins them on the floor, setting the pizza boxes down, and placing the plate in front of Christopher. "Here you go, mijo, dig in."

Buck gives him an easy smile. "Sorry I'm late," he says. "There was a line-up at the pizza place."

"It's okay," Eddie replies. "We hadn't locked in plans, so I wasn't sure if you were still coming." He takes a slice for himself, leaning back against the couch.

Buck reaches out to ruffle Christopher's hair and says, "It's Wednesday night! We always get together on Wednesday night. My favourite night of the week."

"You should come over every night, Buck," Christopher says, which makes them both laugh.

"He'll having you moving into the guest room if you're not careful," Eddie teases Buck, who looks delighted by the prospect.

Then Eddie remembers that Buck is technically homeless, and sleeping on Chimney's couch, and feels bad, but Buck doesn't seem bothered at all, totally distracted by the game that Chris is playing. And Eddie wonders if he's a bad friend by not offering his spare room to his best friend, but he knows, deep down inside, that if Buck moves in, he'll never leave, and Eddie… Eddie would be totally fine with that, actually.

~~

"Eddie told me not to date her," Buck says to Chimney. "He says he thinks she's a bad person."

Chimney swigs his beer. "Eddie's a good judge of character. Maybe you should listen to him."

Feeling defensive, Buck mutters, "I just don't know what else I'm supposed to do."

"Maybe stop thinking with your dick," Chimney suggests. "Look, you had a special thing with Abby – you can have that with someone else."

"I don't think so."

"Buck, people break up all the time. You seriously need to stop acting like this is the end of the world."

"Agreed," Maddie says, sliding into the seat beside Chimney. "It's been months." They're out at a bar together, and Buck is trying to delay the inevitable torture of listening to Chimney and Maddie harmonise.

"I'm over Abby," he argues. "This isn't about Abby. It just pisses me off that Eddie so casually says for me not to date her – hey, you don't think Eddie's into her, do you?"

Chimney snorts and starts _giggling_ , his whole body shaking with laughter. "Eddie?" he manages to spit out. "Eddie, who can't stand to be in the same room with her? No, Buck."

"But maybe he's hiding—"

"He's not," Chimney cuts in. "Eddie is not the kind of person who suffers fools gladly. If he doesn't like someone, he doesn't have anything to do with them. And, aside from that, he's not interested in dating."

It's Maddie that looks surprised at that, and she asks, "Why not?"

"He's got a kid to raise, and he's got issues with his ex-wife and his parents," Chimney explains. "He's barely keeping his head above water. Plus he's now got Buck to think about, which, you know, makes life hard."

Buck grimaces. "I'm not—"

"It's a joke," Chimney stresses. "I was joking."

"Oh."

"I'm just saying, Eddie's got stuff on his plate," he continues. "Dating isn't on his radar."

Eddie's life revolves around Christopher and work. The only downtime he seems to have is when Buck spends time with them, and even though Eddie is always inviting him over, Buck still feels guilty for invading their space.

"And you need to start thinking about finding your own place," Chimney says, pointing at Buck with his bottle. "Getting off my couch."

"I am," he protests. "Property hunting is not easy when I have a full-time job."

"And a second full-time job annoying your new best friend," Maddie teases, and while he laughs along with them, he internalises that comment, and sometimes it'll pop into his head out of nowhere and he'll feel bad about it all over again. Annoying Eddie, being in Eddie's space, wanting to spend time with Christopher – they hadn't even known each other that long, and Buck was already beginning to feel like a burden.

It's just that when he loves someone, he wants to be around them all the time. He's always been like that. Eddie and Christopher make him feel good, so that's where he wants to be, and it feels him with guilt. Always taking too much, all the time.

~~

Buck's sleeping with Taylor Kelly. He hasn't said as much, but Eddie knows it. He knows Buck is having sex because he's secretive, and he doesn't answer Eddie's texts as readily. It can't be anything else, after all, because he and Buck have been practically joined at the hip the last few months. So it makes sense to him that a new woman in Buck's life – a terrible, vile woman – would monopolise his time.

And he feels so let down by it, which is the stupid thing. He's disappointed in Buck for pursuing her – he thought Buck would see much how value he has, and how little _she_ has, and maybe not think with his dick. He thought he knew Buck - he'd put him into a certain box of the kind of person he thought he was, and now he's off screwing this… woman, this horrible, opportunistic woman, and Eddie's disappointed in him.

When Buck comes over on Wednesday night, he's subdued, but he curls up beside Christopher on the couch, long legs stretched out, sock-covered feet resting on the coffee table, and reads a book with him. Eddie's cooking for a change, and while he's plating up their spaghetti and meatballs, he hears Chris say, "What's wrong, Buck?"

Eddie can't help but listen.

"Oh, nothing," Buck says, shifting so he's sitting up straight. "Just… adult stuff."

"Yuck," Christopher says matter-of-factly, and Buck laughs.

"Yeah, yuck."

They go back to the book, and Eddie takes the garlic bread out of the oven. He hears Buck say, "Hey, you're the smartest guy I know. If your friends all tell you that someone isn't right for you, what should you do?"

Eddie's listening again.

Christopher says, "Listen to your friends, because they care about you the most."

"Yeah," Buck agrees.

"Because they want you to be happy."

"Yeah, you're right."

"Are you happy, Buck?"

Eddie holds his breath.

"Yeah, I'm here with you, aren't I? You and your dad make me happy."

Eddie lets out the breath.

Christopher says, "You just need us. You should stay over."

Buck lets out laugh. "I don't think your dad—"

"You can stay," Eddie says from the kitchen. "Come on. Dinner's ready."

Buck's smiling at him as he sits down at the table, Eddie to his left and Christopher to his right. "Sure it's okay for me to spend the night?"

"Yeah," Eddie replies. "It'll be like a sleepover."

"Yeah!" Christopher cheers.

Buck's smile is so big and bright that Eddie can't help but match it, and he shifts his chair closer to Christopher so he can help him with his food.

While Christopher is eating, Eddie says to Buck, "You don't need her, yeah?"

Buck nods at him. "Yep."

"You can do better."

"Yep. I know."

"You can stay over on Wednesdays if you want. Saves you driving home."

Chris gives Buck a tomato-y smile, and Buck grins back. "Okay," he agrees. "That would be awesome. Thanks, Eddie."

"Anytime," Eddie says, and he means it.

**


	3. Chapter 3

Sixteen months ago

"Shannon's back," Eddie says to him. They're picking up coffees for everyone at the coffee shop near the station, lounging at the window near the front entrance, shoulder-to-shoulder.

"Oh," Buck replies, because he doesn't know what else to say. "Good."

"Good?"

"I mean, yeah. For Chris." Buck shoves his wallet in his pocket. He feels awkward, and other things too, that don't make sense, like _jealousy_ and _possession_ , but it's stupid to feel that way. Eddie and Chris are his best friends, and that's it. And sure, is he a little concerned that this woman could so easily abandon _Christopher_ , the single greatest human being Buck has ever met? Yes, definitely, because Buck could _never._

Eddie has a strange expression on his face. His lips are drawn tightly together, and he's been staring at the ground intently. He doesn't seem happy, but he doesn't seem upset about it either. Just worried. Buck guesses he's worried for Christopher, and he's about to say something when Eddie says, "We're sleeping together. Chris doesn't know. I feel… I feel like the biggest jerk."

Buck doesn't know what the right answer is in this situation, so he says, "You're not."

"I am." Eddie grits his teeth. "I don't know what I want. It just happened. I feel so shitty about it. I've just been a bit lonely, you know?"

Now Buck really doesn't know how to respond, but he moves so his arm is pressed against Eddie's. Sometimes he likes it when Eddie does that to him, like he really cares, because they're touching, skin to skin or something like that, he doesn't know. He doesn't think about it. It just comforts him. He finally says, "Yeah, I get it, man."

Eddie doesn't move away. He's still staring at the ground. "When she was gone, I was… it was easier. But now she's back. And I don't trust her with Chris."

"You don't trust her not to leave," Buck says.

"Right." Eddie looks up at him then. "I trust you more. Is that weird? Because even though we haven't been friends that long, I know that you… you wouldn't… you wouldn't abandon him. Fuck. Sorry. That's a weird thing to say to a friend." Eddie looks away, clearly embarrassed.

"It's the truth though." Buck would _never._

"And I don't even know why you are this way. Like, why… you just accept him, like…" Eddie's struggling to speak, his face red. "And it was instant."

"He's the best," Buck says, because what else is there to say? It's the truth.

Eddie smiles, swallowing hard as he nods. "Yeah, he is."

"He really, really is."

"Really, really? Really?" Eddie's teasing him now, and the light is back into his eyes.

"Really, really, really – times infinity," Buck replies, folding his arms across his chest. "Beat that."

"Infinity plus one, Buck, jeez," and they're both grinning at each other when the barista calls Buck's name.

He strides over to collect the coffee trays, and then passes one to Eddie as they leave the shop, walking side-by-side down the street.

Eddie seems like he's feeling a bit better, but Buck is still thinking about Shannon being back in his life, and so he says, "Did I ever say anything to you about my parents?"

Eddie looks up at him with surprise. "No. Honestly, I thought they were dead."

"They're not. Listen, um… I'm going to try to make a point," he says, and Eddie looks amused. "So shut up and listen while I make the point."

Eddie raises his eyebrows but says nothing.

"So my parents shouldn't have been parents. You know how some people just shouldn't do it, but they do it anyway, and they're really fucking terrible at it? That's how they are." Buck rolls his shoulders a bit, unaccustomed to discussing his family, but Eddie seems interested, so he continues. "They were obsessed with presenting a perfect image to the rest of the world; and having kids fit into that, but they didn't really _care_. You know? They had high expectations for us but they never… I don't know. Gave us any, like, emotional support. They weren't abusive, they just… were sort of burdened by us, I guess, and bothered when we didn't fit into the perfect world they had created; that we didn't play that game."

Eddie's frowning deeply.

"So they were really absent, all the time," he says, and they're approaching the station but he really doesn't want anyone but Eddie to hear him speak about his family so he stops, and Eddie does as well. "They had super high expectations for us, but they were never there, and if you failed? Then you'd hear from them. So, it's like, no matter how hard you try, no matter what you excel in, if it's not the thing they want you to do, then it doesn't count, and you're not pushing yourself hard enough. Does that make sense?"

"Yes." Eddie looks like he knows that feeling all too well.

"So we're estranged, I guess. But I'm sure if you were to ask any of their friends, we're super tight," he says sarcastically, and rolls his eyes. "Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that… I've seen how shitty parents can be because I've lived it. And I see how great you are with Christopher, like, the best dad. The best dad I ever met. He's so goddamn lucky to have you, Eddie."

Eddie's looking emotional, but Buck presses on.

"I would've killed for a relationship like that with my dad," he says quietly. "To come home to people who love me is, like, my number one dream," and when he says that a strange look crosses Eddie's face, not sadness, but pity maybe, Buck's not sure. "So like, the decision you make is going to be the right one, because you know what's right, deep down in your heart. You know what he needs."

"Okay," Eddie agrees quietly, as Hen appears in the entranceway to the station, holding her hands up over her head, as if they've all been waiting for hours for them to return. "Come on."

They're walking over to meet her when Buck says, low and urgent, "Please don't tell anyone what I told you."

Eddie glances at him and says, "I won't," his voice low and sombre, like a promise.

"My god, you two," Hen complains, shaking her head at them. "We were going to send out the search party, and here I find you two gossiping out the front while our coffees go cold."

"For two minutes," Buck retorts, and when she reaches for her cup on his tray he holds it out of her reach. "Manners, Henrietta."

"Oh, Buck, are you and me going to have a problem today?"

"I feel like we have a problem most days," he shoots back, and suddenly she's calling for Chimney, who appears with a grin on his face, and then it's a pile-on, all of their many gripes and complaints about Buck, but if he's honest he loves it, because they get so much enjoyment out of teasing him.

It's only when Bobby calls out for them to break it up that they leave him alone, and he finishes handing out coffees and retreats to one of the benches near the wall to drink it, his legs stretched out, crossed at the ankle.

Eddie sits down beside him, and their shoulders are touching again – even their poses are mirror images, with Eddie's legs stretched out beside Buck's.

Neither of them notices Hen, Chimney and Bobby watching them from above.

Eddie says quietly, "Your parents missed out."

"Missed out?"

"On you." His voice is low and serious.

Buck wants to make a joke, but doesn't, and instead sips his coffee. "They don't matter."

"How did they raise such a great guy?"

"They didn't. Maddie did." He pauses, and then says, "It's left me with all-consuming abandonment issues and incredible self-doubt, so do me a favour and make sure Chris never feels this way. It sucks."

Eddie nods. "I wouldn't."

"I know you wouldn't. You're the best dad."

"I don't feel like it. I feel guilty, all the time." He lets out a mirthless chuckle. "Guess we both have our shit, right?"

"I think everyone does," Buck says honestly. "Some people have it worse than others."

"But you're okay," Eddie says suddenly, blinking up at him. "You're doing okay."

He's surprised by the question, and again, his default is to make a joke about the tragedy that is his love life, but with Eddie gazing at him with dark, concerned eyes he can't bring himself to fake it. "Day by day," he admits, and clears his throat. "I like being at work." _With you._

"Come over tonight."

It's not a question. Buck nods.

"He'll be excited to see you on a night that's not Wednesday," Eddie says after a moment. "He's been wanting to watch _Wall-E_ again."

"Oh, great." Buck is instantly cheerier. "My favourite. That sounds awesome; thank you."

He doesn't see the look of pure affection that Eddie gives him, because Chimney is clamouring down the stairs, calling his name, and he doesn't see the way Eddie stares after him as he hurries over to where Hen and Chimney are laughing, and he doesn't see the way Eddie's head lowers and his shoulders fall, but when he realises that Eddie isn't behind him he calls for him. After a moment Eddie is there, and they crowd around Chimney's phone to watch a video of that time Maddie and Chimney defeated Buck so soundly at Monopoly that he threw the board onto the ground like a toddler having a temper tantrum, and they're all laughing, and Eddie's hand rests on Buck's shoulder lightly.

~~

Eddie feels hollow when Shannon's around. He doesn’t know how to explain it. It's like he's playing the part of the husband who wants his wife back, because he knows that's best for Christopher, for both his parents to be together, but he doesn't really want it. He'll do it, for Christopher, out of a sense of duty.

Carla knows he's not happy, but she doesn't press him about it. Buck's dating Ali, so his availabilities have changed, but come Wednesday he's there, usually by 6pm, sometimes with fast food, sometimes without. Christopher lights up every time Buck arrives, because Buck is Christopher's joy.

And for the few hours he's there, he's Eddie's joy as well.

Eddie likes Ali more than that witch Taylor Kelly, but he's still inexplicably jealous that Buck's attention is divided. Sometimes he thinks to himself that they're an odd match and it won't last, and it's just a bit of fun, and Buck can have a bit of fun. It's just that Eddie would prefer Buck to be at his house, having fun with _them._

They try to teach Christopher how to play Battleship but eventually it turns into Buck and Christopher versus Eddie, and while Christopher has a terrible poker face, Buck is _alarmingly_ good at the game and wins convincingly. Frustrated, Eddie removes all the game pieces from the board and growls, "Again," because god damn it, he was in the army and he will not let a _civilian_ beat him so thoroughly.

Buck's smug. Christopher is on his lap, laughing maniacally, and the front door opens and Shannon steps into the house.

And just like that, all the air is sucked out of the room. Eddie's good mood instantly evaporates.

Christopher calls for his mother, so Buck helps him to the floor, and then he stands as well, wiping his hands on his pants. Shannon greets Christopher with a hug and a kiss, but she's looking over at them curiously, and Eddie can't even bring himself to stand up because he doesn't want Buck to leave.

"I'm Buck," he says to Shannon, holding his hand out. "Nice to meet you finally."

"I've heard so much about you," she says, but her smile doesn't quite meet her eyes. "Christopher talks about you constantly."

"He's my best bud," Buck replies, and Christopher is practically glowing with pleasure. "All right, Diaz family. I'm out. See you next week, buddy?"

"Buck, don't go," Christopher complains, because it's only 8pm and Buck usually sleeps over.

Shannon looks to Eddie for support, but Eddie says, "Buck, stay," and her face falls.

Buck takes a step back towards the table, and Christopher follows him, pulling out of Shannon's arms. "We haven't finished," he says, tugging on Buck's shirt.

"I've interrupted," Shannon says awkwardly. "I'll go."

"Just, uh, just…" Eddie's torn, and Buck looks embarrassed, and Christopher is ignoring his mother and climbing into Buck's lap again. "Just one sec," he says to them, and hurries over to her. "It's just that we usually have this boy's night thing on a Wednesday," he says, and her face fills with understanding. "And uh, I should've mentioned it."

"No, I'm sorry," she says. "Here, he left his jacket and a couple of books at my place. I just wanted to drop them off and give him a kiss goodnight."

"Sure," Eddie says, taking them from her. Buck is concentrating on the board game, steadfastly not looking at them. "Thanks."

Shannon gives him a strange look, and steps over to give Chris a kiss. Chris doesn't leave Buck's arms, but he beams up at her.

"Nice to meet you," Shannon says to him, and he smiles warmly at her. "Have fun. Don't stay up too late."

Christopher giggles loudly, and whispers loudly to Buck, "Can we stay up all night?"

Buck's grinning at him when he says, "We'll have to work that out with your dad."

Eddie follows Shannon to the door, and when she steps out onto the porch, she turns to him with tears in her eyes and hisses, "Are you sleeping with him?"

Eddie's eyebrows nearly fly up and off his face, and he quickly pulls the door shut so Buck can't hear. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me." Shannon has one hand on her hip, and she's staring at him determinedly. "This is why. He is why you've been so absent. You're not the same."

"Shannon—"

"You tried to hide it from me, but I've always known. You did what was right. What your parents wanted you to do. You've only been with girls, and you married me, but you never wanted this. You never wanted me." She's crying, wiping her face with her hand. "You're so goddamn repressed, Eddie."

Eddie's heart is pounding in his chest. "He's my best friend," he offers weakly.

"No," she says. "He's more. He's sitting in there with our son on his lap. You cooked him dinner. Christopher talks about him all the time, and he calls him _my Buck._ My Buck. This person you've only known for a few months has replaced me. God, I am so angry." She storms down the stairs, and when he follows her, she turns on her heel and says, "You don't have close friends, Eddie. You keep people at an arm's length, you always have. It's a way of protecting yourself from how you really feel. Don't you get it? I've known for years but I stayed because I love you, because you're a good man and I thought that if you were prepared to deny your own happiness for your family, then I would stick by you. But he's here. You let him into your house and into your life, and you've never done that before."

Eddie can't speak; can't even really think. His heart is pounding so loudly he can hear it, and he's sure she can as well.

"And we slept together," she says in exasperation, throwing her hands up in the air. "And even then I knew it wasn't right. You were just going through the motions, because it's better for Christopher if he has a mom and a dad, even though you don't want that. But you're willing to do it for him."

He shakes his head slightly, unable to speak.

"I used to think it was okay; that you chose me because you loved me. And that you would want to stay with me. But you abandoned me to go to Afghanistan once, and then you did it again, and you left me on my own. You've spent the entire time we've been together running away from me."

"I—that's not—"

"It is," she says, wiping her eyes. "And now you're with him."

"We're not, he's not—"

"Just stop." Shannon gives him a pitying look. "Oh god, Eddie. One day, I swear… one day you are going to have to stop denying the truth."

"The truth about what?" he asks, but he shouldn't have asked, because she's going to verbalise the thing that he has never verbalised, has never allowed himself to consider, has never, ever said out loud—

"You're gay," she says quietly, and her words are almost lost on the wind. "That's the truth."

He takes a step back, snapping his spine straight. His son and his best friend are in there, and they'll be wondering what's going on, and he needs to swallow this down just like everything else. "I'm not," he says to her, his voice clear. "You're wrong."

Shannon just sighs. "No, Eddie. You are."

"No. I have to go." He turns and walks back to the house, and when he enters the room Buck is standing with Christopher in his arms, swinging him back and forth gently.

"He's asleep," Buck says quietly. "We were waiting for you to come back and he yawned and fell asleep."

Eddie shuts the door and sags against it. "I'll put him to bed," he says wearily.

"Eddie."

"I'm okay," he says, because he knows that's Buck's next question. "We just had a fight."

Buck nods, moving across the room with Christopher sleeping soundly on his shoulder. "I can put him to bed."

Eddie nods, looking up at him gratefully. "Thanks."

"No problem." Buck carries Christopher down the hallway to his bedroom, and as soon as he's out of view, Eddie sinks to the floor and pulls his knees up to his chest.

She's wrong, he tells himself. She is definitely wrong about this. He's only ever been with women. That's it. He's straight.

But a little voice whispers, _But you know she's right._

Eddie presses his hands to his face.

_You know you're not straight. You're not attracted to women; you never have been in your life. You don't want to date anyone. You just want to be alone, because alone is better. Nobody questions when you're alone. Nobody judges you for it. You have a son. It's easy to pretend that you're just a regular guy, doing the right thing by his kid and not parading a stream of women through the house. You're a stand-up guy, Eddie. That's how they see you. And they don't know that when you allow yourself to jerk off, which is rarely, that you think about men. You think about Buck exclusively. You—_

"Eddie," Buck says with genuine concern. "Are you all right?"

Eddie looks up at him, defeated. The voice in his head quietens. "No."

"You want me to put you to bed too?" Buck asks, and he's joking, but yes, Eddie does want that.

He's silent. Buck sits on the floor across from him, all arms and legs. He's a big guy but when he sits cross-legged he looks like a little kid.

Buck asks, "What can I do?"

Eddie looks at him blankly, feeling like a failure.

So Buck does something so characteristically Buck that it breaks his heart. "If me being around is causing problems with you and Shannon, I'll take a step back. Christopher needs his mother. You guys should be together. I don't want to make things hard for you, Eddie."

That's what Buck does. He does the selfless thing. He doesn't want that, Eddie can tell, because he's chewing his lip and looking so anxious about it, about not being able to spend time with Christopher.

Eddie says fiercely, "That's the last fucking thing I want."

Buck looks at him with wet eyes. "Okay."

"You are not the problem."

"Okay."

"I'm the problem. It's me. Not you." Eddie stretches his legs out, leaning against the door. "I'm a fuck-up. I always have been."

Buck is silent. Eddie doesn't know this, but Buck is thinking that there's no way that is possibly true.

"Couldn't even make my marriage work," he mutters, because if he's self-pitying, he's just going to lean into it. "I abandoned my kid and my wife. I left my entire family back in Texas to move out here, and they hate me for it. They want me to move back. They tell me I'm doing the wrong thing by him. They tell me that I'm a bad father."

Buck's jaw clenches, for the briefest of seconds.

Eddie's lost in thought. "They say, you can be a firefighter here. You can come back here. They tell me about these women I could meet. How the fuck can I trust anyone else with him, after what she did? No one is going to love him more than me. No one is going to care for him the way I do. He's my kid. There are good schools here. Our family is here. And his mother…" Eddie trails off. "And you."

Buck looks down at the floor.

He has to change the subject, has to pull himself out of this spiral of doubt and shame, so he says, "We haven't even known each other that long. This is going to sound really stupid, but when we first met and you were acting like a total fucking doofus, I knew we were going to be friends."

"A doofus."

"Yeah, a big one," Eddie says, and reaches out to ruffle Buck's messy hair. "I don't know. I had a good feeling about you, Buck."

"I had a good feeling about you too," Buck says quietly. "I was just scared I'd be replaced. That they wouldn't need me anymore. That you'd come in and show me up, and they'd realise that… I'm not good enough to do this."

Eddie wants to scoff at that, but Buck needs the reassurance, so he says, "You're wrong. You sell yourself short."

Buck nods. "Maybe one day I'll believe it."

"Believe it." Eddie moves to stand up, but stops when Buck grabs his knee and shakes it.

"You are the best dad," he says seriously. "When I have kids, I'll be lucky to be half the dad you are. Your parents are wrong."

Eddie nods. "I know."

"Please don't go back to El Paso."

He laughs. "I'm not going to."

Buck's expression is serious. "Please."

Eddie's breath catches. They give each other a long look, and he says again, "I won't." It's a promise.

**


	4. Chapter 4

One year ago

Shannon's dead, and Eddie is… vacant.

Carla asks Buck to come over. She's going to take Christopher for the afternoon, but the house needs to be cleaned and Eddie hasn't left his bedroom all day.

Buck thinks about asking Maddie to come with him, but he goes by himself. Christopher wants him to come with them but he says that he'll be there when they get home, and they'll have dinner together. Buck spends the afternoon cleaning, and not really thinking about how he knows where everything is in Eddie's house.

When the house is spick and span, and there's still an hour to go before Christopher is due back, Buck goes to check on Eddie. The bedroom is dark, and there's a person-shaped lump under the covers.

"Eds," he says.

"Buck."

"You want something to eat? I brought donuts."

The blankets shift, and Eddie pops his head out. "Christopher?"

"He's out with Carla for the afternoon." Buck stays in the doorway; doesn't overstep by entering the room. "It's just me. Nobody else here."

Eddie gazes out at him, and then nods, throwing the covers off. "I'll have a shower."

"I'll make you a coffee."

"I'd rather a beer."

"Beer it is." Buck closes the door, and goes back out to the kitchen.

A few minutes later Eddie appears, freshly showered. He's unshaven, but he's wearing clean clothes, and Buck pulls out a seat at the dining table. The box of donuts sits between them.

Eddie rests his head on his hand and gazes at Buck. "How's work?"

"Good. It was busy yesterday, but Sunday was really quiet."

"Anything interesting?"

Buck sits back in his seat. "A house fire in Santa Monica. A woman was trapped upstairs. Chim and I had to climb up and go through the attic window. We got her out; she was okay."

Eddie nods. His fingers trail over the cold beer bottle, dragging through the condensation. "Anything else?"

"There was a kid stuck up a tree. I went up in the ladder to retrieve him. Got my photo taken and everything." He's proud about that, and he can't help but smile, and suddenly Eddie's looking up at him so fondly and with such affection that something flares in his heart. "Going to be in the paper tomorrow, I think."

"What a hero."

Buck grins. "A big damn hero." He swigs his beer, and shrugs off the praise. "Anyway. I'll feel better when you're back to work."

"My parents want me to move home." Eddie's voice is very quiet. "They keep insisting."

"They're wrong."

Eddie looks up at him. "They are, right?"

Buck nods. "Yes. Your family is here. Christopher's family is here."

"My family. You. The 118."

"Yep." It's on the tip of his tongue to say that they're brothers, but he doesn't, because the love he feels for Eddie isn't exactly how you should feel for a sibling. He wants to say soul mates, but that's way too weird. He thinks it a lot, though, like when they only have to communicate with a look, or how he just feels generally happier when Eddie's around, or how he just knows exactly what Eddie needs at any given time without even really thinking about it. It's the easiest relationship he's ever had in his life.

Speaking of which, Eddie needs a napkin, so Buck reaches across to the kitchen counter to grab the pack. Eddie takes one and says, "Thanks," and then he kicks Buck under the table lightly, so Buck kicks him back.

"Stay the night," Eddie says a moment later. "Play video games with me."

"Okay." He'll have to cancel on Ali.

"Come to the funeral."

"Okay."

"And the wake."

"Anything you want."

~~

Buck's asleep on the floor. Christopher is giggling, because Buck's asleep on the floor and he's snoring lightly. Eddie leans over to peer down at his friend and shakes his head. "He's tired, mijo. It's been a long day."

"Daddy," Christopher says seriously. "Can Buck move in with us?"

Eddie wants to laugh, but he shakes his head and says, "Buck has his own house."

"He's not happy," Christopher says, leaning over the side of the couch to look down at Buck. "He's happy when he's here."

"That's because of you, mijo." Eddie pulls him onto his lap and leans back against the cushions.

"I'm going to ask him."

"Don't," Eddie says into his ear, and Christopher goes quiet. "Because Buck has his own life. I don't want you to feel sad when he says no."

"He might say yes."

"Buddy—"

They're startled by a particularly loud snore, and Christopher lets out a giggle that's loud enough to wake Buck from his slumber, and he sits up, looking around comically. "Huh? What?"

Christopher loses it completely, and collapses in Eddie's lap, laughing hysterically.

Buck blinks up at Eddie innocently. "What did I miss?"

~

A day later, and Buck is trapped under a fire truck, and all Eddie can do is watch. And pray. And he's never liked praying; doesn't like the idea of religion. But Buck is trapped and he's praying because he needs Buck to be okay, and for Christopher to have his Buck again. That's what he needs. He doesn't care about Maddie, or the 118, or anyone else. He's only thinking about Christopher.

And himself, deep down, because that voice is back and it's screaming in his ear that that's _his Buck, and his Buck is trapped, and what if never gets the chance to say that he l—_

~~

Buck's awake, and in hospital – and he _hates_ hospital – and he's been on his own most of the day. To rub salt in the wound it's Wednesday, his favourite day, and he should be hanging with his two favourite guys, and instead he's here, and he hasn't seen Eddie in a day or two and he's miserable.

He's feeling a lot like wallowing in self-pity, and so without anyone else around – Maddie's at work, and so is everyone else – he allows himself a moment to cry, turned half on his side. What is he going to do with himself if he can never go back to work? What's the point of anything? His job is his whole world, his identity – if he can't be a firefighter, then there's nothing left. They'll move on without him, and he'll be left alone. Again.

He hears Eddie come into the room – _knows_ that it's him without having to look up – but he can't stop crying. He's shaking, and Eddie sits down on the side of the bed and hugs him awkwardly. And Buck sobs.

They stay like that for a long time. Eddie's chin is resting on Buck's shoulder, and Buck can't look up – won't look up – because he's so angry, and he's in pain, and he wants more morphine but he doesn't want Eddie to leave, and then Eddie says, "Chris will be here soon," and Buck tries to pull himself together.

Eddie shifts so he's sitting on the edge of the bed, and prises Buck's hands from his face. Buck squeezes his eyes shut and turns his head to the side. He waits for Eddie to release his hands, but he doesn't let go, and that is so comforting that fresh tears began to slip down his cheeks.

"Your surgery went well," Eddie says after a moment. "And they think you'll be able to go back to work. You're going to have a tough few months in physical therapy but you'll get through it. If I can get through basic training, you can do this. If I can sweat it out in hundred degree heat in the middle of the Afghanistan desert in full combat gear, you can do this."

Buck thinks of Eddie as a soldier, and the image in his brain has a strange way of soothing him. He can imagine no one better suited for army life than Eddie, who is easily adaptable, tough, strong, and capable. He needs to think more like Eddie, so he sits up straight, wiping his eyes. Eddie passes him a tissue, and he takes it gratefully.

"Sorry I'm such a baby," he mumbles.

Eddie laughs gently. "No, you're not," he says affectionately. "You're in pain, you're in hospital, you're tired—"

"I'm really lonely," Buck confesses without thinking.

Eddie raises his eyebrows, a look of concern crossing his face. "Oh," he says. "Then… okay. I can help you with that."

"Don't you have things to do?"

"No, I set aside the whole afternoon to come here and annoy you, and you've wasted most of it by crying," Eddie says, and Buck manages a chuckle. "I brought a pack of cards with me. Want to play?"

"You cheat at cards," Buck complains, but he's already shifting so he's sitting higher on the bed. His leg gives a painful throb and he clutches at his thigh, his face twisting with agony.

Eddie leaps off the bed as if he's been burned, and then leans over Buck. "Hey, are you all right?"

He's not all right. A cramp is settling into his thigh and there's nothing he can do about it, with his whole leg in a cast. He shakes his head, and Eddie's reaching to call the nurse, looking concerned, but Buck grabs his hand and manages to say, " _Cramp_."

"Oh shit," Eddie says, as Buck writhes with pain. "All right, it's all right. It'll pass."

The muscles in his leg clench tightly. Buck throws his head back against the pillows, trying not to shout.

The sheets and blankets move and then Eddie's hands are on his toes, exposed at the bottom of the cast. He flexes Buck's toes back and forth, as if by a miracle, the muscles contracting in his leg seem to loosen a bit.

"Oh god," Buck groans. "That's working."

"I thought it would." Eddie continues what he's doing for a few minutes, and after a while the cramp releases completely and Buck settles back down onto the bed, closing his eyes. Eddie massages his toes for a few seconds longer and then moves to the other foot, deftly working it with his fingers. It's all Buck can do not to moan with pleasure, so he just keeps his eyes shut and lets Eddie take care of him.

"There," Eddie says, a few minutes later, carefully fixing the sheets. "Better?" Buck nods, opening his eyes again. Eddie takes a seat beside the bed and smiles warmly at him. "You look too tired to play cards," he says. "You can sleep if you want. I won't go anywhere. I'll wake you when Chris arrives."

Buck says impulsively, "I love you."

Eddie's eyebrows fly up, and he pauses for a second before saying gruffly, "Love you too, buddy."

~~

He does love him.

He thinks about it a lot. He thinks about the fire truck on top of Buck. He thinks about having that conversation with Christopher, so soon after his mother died. He thinks about how empty his life would be without Buck in it. He's watching Buck sleep, holding his hand loosely, rubbing the skin on his palm without really thinking about what he's doing, or if this touch is too intimate.

Impossibly, Buck looks even younger in his sleep. There's no product in his hair and his blonde curls are messy. Eddie wants to run his fingers through them. The birthmark over his eye is even pronounced, because Buck's paler than usual, not as full of life and energy. Without thinking, Eddie reaches over with his free hand, and runs his thumb over it. He's always wanted to do that.

Buck doesn't stir.

He thinks about Buck all the time now. Before, it was just a feeling that he could push aside, but now… Buck's under his skin. He thinks about a future with him and what that would entail, and then he feels guilty for it, because Buck has never been anything other than straight, and Eddie is the one with the problem.

He's going to have to be alone, he decides, because it's easier. He doesn't hurt anyone, and nobody can hurt him. And he's found a best friend in Los Angeles, someone he trusts with all his heart, and he tells himself that will have to be enough.

And yet, he knows it won't be.

~

On Buck's last day in hospital, Eddie catches a lift with Hen, who casts strange looks at him every so often. They're not usually the ones who spend much time together – they get along great, but he's closest with Buck and Hen and Chimney are best friends. So maybe she'd thought it odd today when he'd taken her up on her offer to carpool to the hospital.

He wanted to ask her a question; he just wasn't sure if it was a question he should ask, and he didn't particularly want an audience for it.

"What's going on, Diaz?" she finally demands. They're about ten minutes out from the hospital. "You've been quiet all day. Hell, you've been quiet since Buck was hurt."

She doesn't say, _you didn't take your wife dying this hard_. She doesn't need to. He knows they're all thinking it.

He says, "Yeah, I know. Sorry."

"Are you thinking what would've happened if it was you under the truck and not Buck?"

"No," he replies honestly. "Because Buck wouldn't have handled it the way I did."

It's not meant to be a criticism of Buck, and she doesn't take it that way. Buck is ruled by his emotions; he always has been. It makes him a great firefighter but he's also prone to taking risks; risks that don't need to be taken. Buck is willing to lay his life down for anyone, and Eddie wishes he'd realise how precious it is. How precious _he_ is.

Hen says, "Buck would've gotten himself blown up if it was you in his position," and she's not wrong. Then she says, out of the blue, "That boy loves you. Worships the ground you walk on, ever since you got here. It's a little hurtful. Chim and I have known him longer."

Eddie tries to chuckle, but can't. He says, "He's my best friend."

"We were worrying that sometimes you just put up with him. You've got a son, and he's—"

"No. I love him." He says it to her freely, the first person he's ever admitted it to.

They stop at a traffic light, and she looks at him for the first time, studying his face. "What's going on?"

He's about to ask her the question, twisting his hands in his lap, and chickens out. "Nothing."

"Eddie." Hen's voice is sharp. "Look at me."

He does. He admires her so much. She's the strongest person he's ever met, and she won't judge him. "How did you know you were gay?" he asks, and her jaw drops.

They stare at each other. Traffic is still stopped around them. Hen finally says, "How do you know you're straight?"

He breaks eye contact, and looks down at his hands. "I don't."

"Eddie." Hen's voice is quiet. "Eddie, what are you saying to me?"

"I asked you a question."

A horn blares from behind them. Hen swears and starts driving again. She focuses on the road for a few moments and then says, "I've always known. Always. It wasn't a realisation. The _realisation_ was that the things I was feeling were different from the way my friends were feeling, and that the world, at that time, was not ready for someone like me. But if you're asking me if one day I woke up and a lightbulb went off and I said, yes, okay, I'm gay, the answer is no, that never happened. The only thing that happened to me is that I realised I would have to _tell people,_ and that's the scary part. Being gay is not the bad thing – most of the time, other people are."

He nods, but doesn't speak. Can't really speak. Doesn't really know what to say.

"Why are you asking me this?" she asks quizzically, and when he just lifts his shoulders in response, she screws her face up for a second, then lets out a breath, and says, "Okay, then I'm going to tell you what I think, if you're not going to talk to me. I think you've got a lot going for you. You're a handsome guy. You're smart and funny, but you don't open up easily, and you don't have a lot of friends outside the 118. You are damn good at your job and you're a great dad. You'd do anything for the people you care about. It amazes me that you don't have women following you around; that you're not a womaniser, because you… you could be. Guys like you, who have the whole world at their feet, you know? But you're not cocky like them, like Buck used to be. You're a quiet study. And as far as I know, since your ex-wife, you haven't had a girlfriend, and you're not all that interested in women."

He feels close to tears, and looks out the window.

"You save all of your smiles for Buck," she continues. "You think we don't see you two flirting? That's what it is. Chimney thought it was a rivalry but I know better than him; I've seen Buck in love. You haven't seen Buck in love."

"With Abby." He hates her, and he's never met her.

"Yeah, but I never thought it was real love. I think she came along and gave him a boost, made him realise that life doesn’t' have to be just casual sex. He was a cocky, horny little bastard."

"He was that bad."

"Oh yeah, he was that bad." The car comes to a stop at a light again, and Hen turns to look at him. "But she… I think he needed that relationship, because he has a lot of doubt. You know? It was all posturing, it wasn't really who he is. He's got a heart of gold, and he'd do anything for anyone, but… the women, the sleeping around… I don't know, I think it was kind of a shield. He's afraid of being hurt. And then she hurt him worse than anyone."

Eddie _hates her._ He hates talking about her; hates thinking about Buck, pining away in her apartment. He feels like he came into Buck's life at the right time… at the right time for both of them. They both needed a friend.

Hen's eyes are on him. "Eddie, why are we having this conversation?"

He sighs. "I don't know. I just feel like… you won't judge me."

"Judge you for what?"

"For… for not…" he falters, swallowing hard. "I can't tell him."

"Tell him what?" she presses.

"I just, it's not easy for me to—"

"Eddie, if you're going to tell anyone, tell me. I won't tell a soul. I promise you."

His lips begin tremble. She's serious; maybe she's never been so serious in all her life; he doesn't know. So he rubs his face with both hands and says, "Hen, I'm gay."

Traffic has begun to move ahead, but she leans in and presses her lips to his forehead in a reassuring kiss. "It's okay."

"I never told anyone that before," he admits.

They start driving again. "Not even Buck?"

"Buck… no." He's staring at his hands again. "I'm scared I'll lose him."

"And you're in love with him." The hospital comes into view in the distance.

"Yes," he says, swallowing hard. "He's the second best thing in my life."

"You know you and Chris are his whole world, right? Like, he has always wanted to be a dad," she says emphatically. "And he loves being an uncle to your kid."

Eddie nods again, but uncle isn't exactly the way he thinks of Buck. It's more than that.

"And I don't know if he's gay or straight or bi or what," she continues. "He's only ever talked about girls. That doesn't mean that there hasn't been some guys thrown in as well – Buck is pretty open. He doesn't have a homophobic bone in his body. He doesn't have a mean bone in his body either."

"No," Eddie agrees hoarsely.

"I don't know much about his parents," she says as they pull into the hospital parking structure. "I get the feeling he had it rough, from the things he's said. From the way he idolises Bobby. And he's spent every Christmas alone – well, last year he was with Maddie. But the rest of the time that I've known him, alone."

Eddie can't speak again.

"So…" she trails off, letting out a breath. "Jeez, Eddie, I know you well enough to know that you're not going to rush into this. I know you'll never talk about this with him. You've been in the closet your whole life. Are you going to be able to come out of it today?"

He shakes his head vehemently.

"Then… oh Eddie, I don't know. With Buck, I don't know. I can ask him for you. Feel around; see if he reveals anything interesting. He's pretty open. If I ask, he might tell me."

"Don't ask him about me," he manages to say. "Just in general."

"Okay," she says. "And if he says that he's open to being with a guy, how will that make you feel?"

"I don't know. I'm utterly terrified."

She guides the car into a park and shuts the engine off, turning to look at him sympathetically. "It's okay," she says reassuringly. "It's a process. I'm on your team. I will keep your secret, but if you need to talk to me, you just let me know."

"Thank you," he says, swallowing hard again. "Thank you, Hen."

She leans over and kisses his cheek. "Come on. I bet your boy is here waiting for you."

Christopher was indeed already in Buck's room, bouncing on the side of his bed. Buck was half-dressed, as Maddie attacked a pair of his jeans with a pair of scissors.

"Those are my favourite ones!" Buck complains. "Maddie! Jeez!" Christopher's laughing, and Buck turns to him with mock anger. "Are you making fun of me?"

Christopher squeals when Buck threatens to tickle him. "No!"

"I see you're feeling better," Eddie remarks from the door, Hen at his side.

Buck looks over at him with a bright smile. "Yeah, I've had my little buddy here with me all morning."

"Hi Daddy," Christopher says, waving to him, and Eddie hurries around the side of the bed to pick him up.

"Hi mijo. Are we going to get Buck set up at home?"

"Yes, we are," Maddie says determinedly, holding up the jeans and then grimacing. "Oh… no. I think I cut the wrong leg."

Buck's jaw drops open, and he snatches them from her. "Oh my god, are you kidding me?!"

"I had them around the wrong way!" she protests, holding her hands to her face.

Hen is chuckling in the doorway, and when Buck looks over at her in disbelief she says, "Buckaroo, you're going to have to exist in shorts for the time being, although that hospital gown is very becoming."

He scowls.

~~

Buck's had visitors all day, streaming in and out. Eddie and Christopher have stayed the longest, and Christopher is asleep on the couch, wrapped up in Buck's blanket.

As Bobby and Athena leave, and Buck hobbles over from the front door on his crutches to the dining table, Eddie comes down the stairs, scratching his chin. "You can't stay here," he says. "You won't be able to get up the stairs; you won't be able to sleep in your bed or go to the bathroom easily. It's not practical. You should come stay with us."

"No," Buck says firmly.

Eddie gives him an inscrutable look. "Why not?"

"Because I don't want to be a burden on you and Christopher."

"Why would you be a burden on us?"

Buck just shakes his head. "No. We'll do what we've been doing, and I will catch an Uber to your house, or—"

"No," Eddie objects, taking a step forward. "Why won't you let me help you?"

"Because I will not ask more of you than I already have. I'm in your life, I've got a key to your place—"

"I've got a key to your place," Eddie cuts in. "So?"

"So, I'm in his life," Buck says, gesturing to Christopher, "and I nearly died. And today in the hospital he asked me if that would happen to you too."

"What did you say?"

"I said that once I get back to work and we're a team again, I will be there to make sure nothing bad happens to you." Buck nods firmly. "Because that kid needs you. And I'm going to be out of commission for months, and—"

"And you think I can't do this without you?" Eddie asks, but he's not angry, merely questioning, one eyebrow raised.

"No, I think you and I are a great team." Buck swallows hard. "If Bobby had been there, Chim would've been in the ambulance with Hen, and you would've been beside me. And it would've been worse, if you were there. If I take the hits, you get to go home to your kid."

"You make it seem like your life is meaningless," Eddie points out. "That it doesn't matter what happens to you."

"It doesn't. I don't care about me."

Suddenly Eddie is blinking back tears, and he looks _furious._ "I care about you," he whispers, swallowing reflexively. "Shut the fuck up if you think your life is _meaningless._ God, you make me so mad."

"Eddie—"

"That kid, that kid over there thinks you're a fucking superhero," he continues, choked up. "He talks about you all the time. His Buck, when is his Buck coming over, when are we going to see Buck, what's Buck doing today, how was Buck today, can Buck come and live with us – that kid, that kid—" and suddenly he's crying, both hands pressed to his face.

Buck just stares at him in shock.

"I'm his father, but you are the sun and the moon and all the stars," Eddie finally chokes out. "And he just lost his _mom._ He can't lose you too. You are not fucking expendable, Evan."

At the use of his name, Buck freezes. Eddie has never called him by his Christian name. Eddie is practically shaking with rage, tears streaming down his cheeks. Eddie, who is still grieving the loss of Shannon, who has had to put up with Buck's shit all year, has finally had enough.

Buck looks down at his hands, ashamed.

"Buck," Eddie says, in a voice thick with emotion. "Look at me."

He just doesn't want to. He made his best friend cry, and some days Eddie and Christopher are the only things that keep him going.

"Did you hear a word I just said?" Eddie asks him, very close suddenly, and then both hands are on his shoulders. "You just looked at me like I killed your puppy."

Buck blinks rapidly, shaking his head.

"Buck," Eddie breathes. His hands slide down Buck's arms, clasping his elbows, thumbs pressing firmly into his skin. " _Buck_."

"I ask too much of you," Buck says numbly. "I dominate your life."

"That's not what I said, and you know it. You do this; you go into this shame spiral of thinking that you're not good enough for me or the rest of us, and that we're going to leave you. Like Abby did," he says, and Buck is suddenly ice cold. "I'm not going anywhere. You are with us. Understand me? You are in our family. Say you understand."

Buck finally meets his eyes, uncertainly. "I am?"

"Yes," Eddie says, exasperated. "Jesus Christ. Yes. Now let me ask you, and I want an honest goddamn answer – Buck, do you want to come and stay with me?"

Buck wants to, but how will he explain that to Ali? And have her come over to Eddie's house? "No," he says. "I'll be okay here."

"Then we'll work around my schedule," Eddie says, "and we'll have playdates. And you can babysit Christopher if you like. He literally can't run away from you. That's the beauty of it."

"Can I?" Buck asks hopefully. "You… trust me?"

"Of course I trust you. There's no one I trust more than you." Eddie clasps Buck's face in his hands. "Never doubt where you stand with me."

Buck nods. "I won't," he promises.

~~

Eddie finds out from Chimney who finds out from Maddie that Ali dumped Buck, the day after Buck told him that he'd stay where he was. Chimney announces it casually at family dinner, like it wasn't bombshell news, and everyone just murmurs sympathetically and continues eating.

Eddie wants to sprint from the table, to Buck's apartment, and bring him home.

But he stays put. Hen is watching him from across the table, and even Bobby is looking at him strangely as well. He worries for a second that she might have said something to Bobby, but Bobby surprises him by saying, "Eddie, he's going to be pretty lonely. You're his best friend. You'll keep us informed, right?"

Eddie nods. "Yeah, we're uh, working out a schedule to keep him busy," he says. "I'm going to use him for free baby-sitting."

Everyone chuckles at that.

"He will love that," Chimney says. "He thinks the sun rises and sets with Christopher."

"It does," Eddie replies, and they all laugh again.

Bobby smiles at Eddie warmly. "You'll let me know how he's doing."

"Yeah, I will," he says. "I'll stop in and see him after my shift. Make sure he's okay."

~

The thing is that Buck doesn't even seem that upset about it. He's more upset about his current position in life than he is about Ali dumping him, and when Eddie arrives, he's sitting glumly on the couch, watching TV.

So Eddie just takes a couple of beers from the fridge, uncaps them and wanders over to sit beside him, passing him a bottle.

Buck takes a swig and says bitterly, "Women."

Eddie nods. "Yep."

"It's not worth it."

He wants to agree, but he settles for patting Buck's leg and leaning back against the couch cushions. "What are we watching?"

"American Ninja Warrior." Buck glances at Eddie. "How was work?"

"Very quiet," Eddie replies. "Only three call outs my entire shift."

"Wow, that is slow."

"Yeah. Bobby was happy though, we did a bunch of cleaning." Eddie nudges Buck with his shoulder. "I missed having you around today. It was pretty boring."

"Yeah, you're gonna miss me," Buck predicts. "I keep things interesting."

"More like you talk so much that it's not so damn quiet."

"You love it. You love hearing me talk about things."

"I really didn't need to know the entire history of eruption of Mt Vesuvius. What'd you do, read an encyclopaedia when you were a kid?" Eddie teases him.

"Yeah," Buck replies with a shrug. "Didn't you?"

Eddie's jaw drops, but he recovers and says dismissively, "You did not."

"I wasn't allowed to watch TV." Buck swigs his beer again. He doesn't seem particularly bothered by this.

"Why not?" Eddie asks curiously.

"It was a rule. There were a lot of rules." He shoots Eddie a quick grin. "I've made up for some lost time, though. Chimney says I should watch _The Simpsons._ "

"Yeah, you'll like it. I can't believe you've never seen it."

"My parents were weird, man." Buck looks over at the TV. "Do you think you'd be able to do this? I was thinking about it, before I got hurt. I think some of it would be easy, but like, the wheel one, where you've got to twist and throw yourself? I don't know."

"You're not nimble enough," Eddie points out, and when Buck turns to him, aghast, he gestures to the TV. "Look at that guy. He's nowhere near as bulky as you are, and he's flying through the course. Yeah, you'd be able to do it, but you wouldn't be able to hang from things for a long time. Neither would I."

"You'd look good out there, though," Buck comments. "All the girls would like to see that."

Eddie makes a face. "Not interested."

"Still grieving."

No, not at all – in fact, he hadn't thought about Shannon in weeks. "No," he replies honestly. "I'm just not interested in dating."

Buck gives him a concerned look. "Scared?"

"No."

"Then…"

"Because I don't want to. I've got to think about Christopher." Eddie swigs his beer, feeling aggravated. "Just drop it."

"Okay. They're not worth it anyway." Buck slips down lower in the seat, pressing his arm against Eddie's.

Eddie's silent for a moment, and then confesses, "I never wanted to get married to Shannon."

Buck glances at him with surprise.

"I never loved her. We were dating for about a year. She knew I was going to enlist and then she got pregnant. It was an accident. My father said I had to propose, because that's what you did, so… that's what I did. But it wasn't my decision." He can't meet Buck's eyes. "She loved me. I cared about her, but I never loved her, not the way she needed me to. And when she left, I… was relieved, in a way. And angry. But it's easier to be alone, to give up the pretence of the relationship that wasn't working, and she pulled the plug before I did… because I never would," he clarifies. "I would've stayed with her."

Buck's brow is furrowed, but he says nothing.

"And I feel guilty all the time, that I wasn't there for her when she needed me. I was a shitty husband and a lousy father, and you say to me all the time that I’m the best dad you ever met, and it's like… I suck at this, I really do."

"Hey," Buck says quietly. "You care. That's the most important thing."

Eddie shrugs.

"Eds," Buck says, a little more insistently. "You stepped up. You could've let your parents take care of him; you could've left him with them. You didn't. He's your kid. You recognised what you both needed, and then you took control of the situation, moved him out here where you would have more support and a better job, and you're both happier. Right?"

He nods, swallowing hard.

"You are happy, right?"

He nods again, swiping at his nose. "Yeah."

"And so is he. He loves it out here."

"That's thanks to you, you know."

Buck shrugs. "It's not just me, it's you as well. Having his dad around all the time makes him happy. You know he talks about you a lot when it's just him and I. He loves you so much; he thinks you're a superhero. And you are," he says, nudging Eddie with his shoulder, trying to make him smile.

It works, and Eddie clears his throat, nodding. "Okay."

"We all have our shit," Buck says quietly. "We all have stuff we feel guilty about. But Eds… I wouldn't have thrown in with you if I didn't see something special. You know?"

"Yeah. I know."

"So don't beat yourself up. Let me get back to full health and do it for you," Buck says, nudging him again, and Eddie lightly punches his shoulder in retaliation. "Guess we're both here moping over our beers tonight, aren't we?"

"You need to come and stay with us," Eddie says impulsively. "Come on, Buck. Let's pack your stuff up tonight and you can come home with me."

"Nah, I'll be okay," Buck replies. "I've figured out how to get up and down the stairs."

"Buck."

"It's fine. Honestly. I'm not going to be a dead weight around your neck when you've got Christopher to think about, okay? Listen, I'll be going to rehab every single day soon, I've got stuff to do around here and I need to focus on getting better."

"If this is pride talking—"

Buck shook his head. "I'm not gonna be a burden on you, Eddie. No way."

"God, you're not, you wouldn't be—"

"Nope." He's firm, and when Eddie goes to protest again, Buck slaps his knee lightly and says, "Enough. Drop it. Not happening."

"Fine," Eddie groans. "But in a week, when you're complaining about how bored and lonely you are—"

"I'll be okay," Buck says again. "I promise. Stop worrying about me, you big dork."

Eddie scoffs. "I am not a _dork._ "

"You kinda are, y'know. And you're annoying, and you're all up in my space," Buck says, lightly shoving Eddie away, and laughs when he retaliates. "Hey, hey! I was crushed under a ladder truck; you show me some respect and _dignity_ , Edmundo."

"When you've earned it," Eddie retorts, rising from the couch to wander into the kitchen. "Can I heat up Maddie's lasagna?"

"Yeah, go for it," Buck replies, focused on the TV again. "You see this guy here, Eddie, he's nimble, but he's not very good."

"You need to be more than just nimble, Buck." Eddie takes the lasagna from the fridge. "Should I just heat the whole thing in the oven, you think?"

"She said it was meant to last me a few days; how much are you planning on eating?"

Eddie shrugs. "Honestly, all of it."

"Pig."

"You are. I'm heating the whole thing." Eddie shoves it into the oven and turns the timer on, and then grabs them another couple of beers from the fridge. "So you are cool to look after Christopher for me this week when I'm at work? I was hoping to give Carla and my Abuela a break."

"Sure."

"Might be easier if you come to our house, though."

"No problem, I'll get an Uber," Buck replies, taking the bottle from Eddie and popping the lid off. "You sure you trust me?"

"Yeah, of course," Eddie replies, dropping back into the seat beside him. "Why wouldn't I?"

Buck gestures to the cast on his leg, bottle to his lips.

"The only difference now is that you're just as slow as he is," Eddie remarks, and laughs when Buck nudges him indignantly. "Oh Buck, you're so damn _sensitive._ "

"Shut up, you are." Buck's grinning at him. "Anyway, I just bought him something that's going to blow his fucking mind."

"Oh, god. What is it?"

"A project." Buck looks positively gleeful.

"What kind of a project, Buck?" he asks suspiciously.

"Just a project, Eddie, nothing to worry your pretty little head about."

~

It's Lego. When Buck arrives at Eddie's house, hobbling in on one crutch with a box under his arm – that Eddie promptly takes from him and helps him inside, admonishing him for being so reckless - Christopher practically screams with excitement when he realises what it is. It's a huge pirate ship, with detailed instructions and a bunch of tiny little pirates, and when Eddie leaves them, they're on the floor together, puzzling over the plans.

**


	5. Chapter 5

Seven months ago

Christopher was just… gone.

One minute he was on the fire truck, and the next he was gone. Slipped under the waves and carried away.

And now it was dark, and Buck was barely keeping himself upright, filled with grief. There was no way he could survive that, being swept away, being pulled under, without Buck there to keep him upright.

He shouldn’t have survived the first wave. They got lucky, once, and then luck ran out.

Buck wishes he was dead. Being dead would be better than having to face Eddie, but then Eddie's there, Eddie's… looking at him, and he's going to have to tell him that Christopher is dead. That he failed him. That he is responsible for killing Eddie's kid.

And Eddie's eyes fill with tears because he knows. He _knows_. Buck doesn’t have to say it.

And then, as if by some miracle, there's Christopher.

And what little strength he had left vanishes, and Buck collapses into Hen and Chimney's arms.

~

"He's okay," Hen says reassuringly. "He's pretty banged up. He's not very coherent." Her voice sounds like it's coming from somewhere far away.

"Let me talk to him."

"Eddie, he's out of it. We're going to patch him up, and Maddie is coming to take him home."

"I need to find out what happened," Eddie argues. "Why were they there, Hen?!"

"I don't know. You have to calm down."

Buck opens his eyes, but the light is bright, and he's so tired. He lapses out again, welcoming the darkness, and when he comes to he can hear Eddie, but he is so far away. Buck feels sluggish, like he's still under the waves, trying to break free.

"I need to tell him," he's saying, and Buck vaguely wonders what could possibly be so important.

Hen says, "You need to take your kid home. Talk to him tomorrow."

Buck groans, because he realises what Eddie's going to say. Eddie's going to say that they can't be friends anymore. He whimpers, turning onto his side painfully. He's on the ground. Maybe he's on a cot. He doesn't know. He just wants to sleep forever.

"Where is he?" he hears Maddie's stricken voice, loud and clear, like she's on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

They're talking again, all of them, loudly. He thinks he can hear Bobby, but he's out again, back into the darkness for a few blissful, peaceful moments, until he awakens with the realisation that he's moving; they're carrying him somewhere.

"He can come to my house," he hears Eddie say. "I have a spare room. He sleeps there all the time."

"I'll take care of him," Maddie snaps. "He's coming home with me."

Buck opens his eyes briefly, and looks up at Eddie, who has one end of the stretcher he's laying on.

"He's not concussed, right?" Maddie's asking worriedly.

"We think he's just exhausted," Bobby's voice comes from somewhere behind them. "He's been in and out of consciousness."

"I'm going home now, with Christopher." Eddie's talking again, an urgency to his voice. "I'm a medic. He can come home with me, Maddie. Please."

"And I'm a nurse," she retorts, and it's clear that Eddie is going to lose this argument. "Look, I get that you guys want to keep him close, but this is the second time he's nearly died in a few months and I'm going to take care of him. He's my brother."

"He saved my son and I have to talk to him." Eddie's pleading with her.

"Eddie," Hen says. Her voice wafts into Buck's mind like a dream. "You can see him tomorrow."

"Hen, are you sure he's all right?" Maddie's crying.

"He was running on pure adrenaline all day," Hen's saying, "and now he's run out. We've cleaned him up; checked him out. He's going to be okay. Get home and into a warm bed, and he'll be all right in the morning. I promise."

"You won't be able to get him inside," Eddie suddenly says. "Let me take him, Maddie. Please."

They start arguing again, but Buck's out again, for good.

~

He awakes in a strangely familiar bed, in a room that's not his room at his house, and it takes him a couple of confused seconds to remember what happened.

And it hits like a freight train, and he's gasping, throwing the covers off, staggering to his feet. "Christopher. Christopher!"

The door to the room opens and Maddie's there, grasping his shoulders before cupping his face. "He's okay," she says urgently. "He's all right, Buck. He made it. You saved him."

The events of the previous day comes flooding back, and the memory that Christopher did make it, by some god damn miracle. Buck staggers back, his knees hitting the bed. He sits heavily, still breathing in short, panicky bursts. Maddie cups his face and kisses his forehead, murmuring about how he saved Christopher, and how he's a hero, and he just needs to take it easy and everything will be okay.

But all Buck can think about is how he failed him.

~~

"Can we go see Buck today?" Christopher smiles up at Eddie, a milk moustache on his top lip.

"Yeah, we're going to see Buck," Eddie replies, wiping it off with his thumb. It's been two days. He and Maddie had a huge argument in the parking lot, surrounded by their friends, and he's still smarting at having lost to her. Chimney wanted to know what he actually expected would happen – that is, did he really think Maddie would let Buck go home with him – but truthfully, he did think she'd cave, and he was surprised when she didn't.

And then she sent him a text, telling him to give Buck space, because he wasn't doing well, and when Eddie replied, practically begging her to let him bring Christopher around, she didn't respond. She's angry with him. He gets it. He was kind of a dick.

Christopher hasn't been talking much about it. The first night, he could hardly sleep, and Eddie sat by his bedside all night and just watched him, so grateful for every single precious second. There's a part of him that is actually relieved that he didn't know they were there; that he thought they were safe together, in Buck's apartment. He's great at compartmentalisation usually, but he can't imagine what his reaction might have been if he'd known that Christopher and Buck were in the thick of it.

Carla had come over, the day after the tsunami, and she tried to get Christopher to open up to her, but he was uncharacteristically quiet. He didn't want to talk about it. Eddie sleeps on his floor the second night, just to be close to him, so when he wakes up in the middle of the night he can check to make sure Christopher is still breathing.

That morning he gets a text from Hen, who says that Buck's back at his apartment now, and that Eddie should probably apologise to Maddie at some point. He doesn't reply, but he does have to go to work, and Christopher does need a baby-sitter, so they're going to see Buck.

Christopher plays with his cereal, a serious look on his face. Eddie wants to press him for details again, but Carla's words are replaying in his mind – _he'll open up when he's ready._

~

They're driving to Buck's apartment with the radio on low, when Christopher finally speaks. "He's amazing."

Eddie glances at him in the rear-view mirror. "Who is?"

"Buck."

"Yes, he is."

"He saved me." Christopher's voice is more subdued than usual. "He saved a lot of people, dad. He pulled them onto the fire truck. He was so brave."

They'd been told by a few of the other rescuers about the man with the birthmark on his face, who'd saved one person after another from the water by pulling them onto the roof of the fire truck. Bobby was planning to talk to Buck about it, but Eddie knew that Buck wouldn't want any recognition or credit for what he'd done.

"We're lucky to have him," Eddie says firmly. "He's our best friend."

"I tried to find him again. I knew he was looking for me."

"He was, mijo. He searched for you all day." Eddie's throat tightens, Buck's grief-stricken face flashing into his mind.

"I was scared, when he wouldn't wake up." Christopher pauses, and then says, "You were crying."

Eddie pulls into a parking spot in front of Buck's apartment and replies, "I thought I lost you."

"And Buck."

"Yeah." Eddie wipes his eyes and turns around in his seat to face his son. "Come on. He'll be so happy to see you."

And Buck is happy, but he looks so devastated and guilty; barely able to meet Eddie's eyes. Eddie grasps his shoulder, touches the nape of his neck with his thumb lightly, and forces eye contact. He wants to do more – he wants to pull him into his arms and kiss him, and break down and thank him over and over for what he did, but he forces it down. Buck's on the verge of tears, and he's barely keeping it together himself, so he tells him that there's no one he trusts with Christopher more than Buck, quickly leaves, and lets the tears fall as he drives to work.

**


	6. Chapter 6

Six months ago

He shouldn’t have gone through with the stupid lawsuit. He'd charged into it without thinking. He'd let his anger and temper get the best of him, and he should've cooled down and gone to talk to Bobby man-to-man. Or he should've gone to Eddie's house and talked it out with him, but he didn't. Instead, he'd let his emotions rule his brain and suddenly he was suing the city, and Bobby, and the lawyer was asking him for information on everyone in the team and he was freely giving it, even about Eddie.

Eddie, who stopped bringing Christopher over.

Eddie, who wouldn't return his calls or texts.

_Eddie._

Buck was usually the eternal optimist but he knew he'd fucked up, big time, and he knew how angry they all were with him, and when Eddie confronted him in the grocery store his heart had shattered, piece by piece. _Exhausting._ He was exhausting. Jesus Christ, that hurt.

And there was Lena, standing behind him with her arms folded across her chest, like Eddie was now _her_ partner and not Buck's. It hurt; his heart hurt. He'd never felt so abandoned in his life.

He goes home afterwards to drink and cry and drink some more. Hen arrives the next morning to find him in bed, with a bottle of whiskey on the nightstand and in clothes that hadn't been washed in weeks.

"Buckaroo," she says, shaking him awake. "You stink. Get up."

He's so shocked to see her there that all he can do is blink blearily.

"Get up!" she shouts at him. "Is this what you need? Someone to come in and start screaming at you to stop feeling sorry for yourself? Get the fuck up!"

He sits up rapidly, staring at her in shock. "I thought you weren't—"

"I don't care about the fucking lawsuit," she spits, stomping over to his chest of drawers and yanking it open. "I care about my friend, Buck, who won't return my phone calls. Or Chim's phone calls. Or your damn sister, who was too scared to come over here and find you in a drunken stupor. You stupid boy. Get up."

"Is Eddie—"

"Is Eddie okay? How the hell do I know? He stopped talking to people about the time that you filed a fucking lawsuit against your friends," she snaps at him. "He's hanging out with Lena, and—"

Buck groans at that, flopping back down on the bed. "He's going to want to be with her full time and he won't want to be my partner again."

"Oh good lord," Hen mutters, throwing clean clothes at him. "You two. You two are exhausting. Get up."

"I tried to call him—"

"He made his feelings pretty clear to you. You've hurt him, Buck, and you're going to need to apologise for that," Hen says sharply. "You fucked up."

He nods, swallowing hard. "I know, but I thought—"

"You didn't think, you just reacted, you dumb boy."

He thinks he was somewhat justified in his reaction, but he acknowledges that filing a lawsuit was a little like going nuclear, and maybe he should've just talked to Bobby, and… Hen is staring at him, her lips pressed in a tight line. "What?" he asks weakly.

"You and Eddie get together a lot outside of work?" she asks, out of nowhere.

His throat clenches. "We used to."

"You must miss him."

He nods, and now he can't speak.

"And Christopher," she says. "He came by the station the other day and asked everyone where you are."

Buck presses his hands to his face, feeling like the biggest piece of shit on the planet.

"Come on," she says. "You're coming with me."

~

He knows where they're going, but he doesn't know why, and when they pull up at Athena and Bobby's house he's shaking his head. "No, I can't talk to Bobby, I can't, not after everything."

"Bobby's at work. Get out of the car." Hen pokes him in the ribs. " _Get out of the car."_

Athena opens the door as they're walking down the driveway, her hand on her hip. "Evan Buckley," she says, eyes narrowed. "You get your butt in here."

"Are you both going to yell at me some more?" he asks timidly, and he doesn't notice the look of amusement pass between the two women as he enters the house.

Once inside, and in Athena's living room, he begins the apology tour anew. "Athena, I am so, so sorry for the way I acted at dinner, and I am so, so sorry for bleeding all over your deck, and I'm so, so sorry for suing Bobby and—"

"Shut up," Athena says, giving him a patented Athena look. "Sit down."

He sits in an armchair, swallowing hard.

Hen takes the spare armchair, and Athena sits on the couch. "I've got something to say to you and I asked Hen to bring you over," she says. "Mostly because I knew she would be able to get the key to your house from Eddie."

At the mention of Eddie's name, his throat tightens again.

"Buckaroo," Athena says, her voice suddenly gentle. "When you went into the hospital after the explosion, we tried to call your parents. Bobby tried numerous times to get through to them. He didn't know… he should've known, because you don't talk about it, that they wouldn't be forthcoming or helpful to you at all."

Buck wraps his arms around himself, his eyes blurring over.

"He finally got through. He had them on speaker phone. He said who he was and that he was your captain, and that you were in hospital in Los Angeles. Maybe they'd seen it on the news. Your father said, oh yes, we saw it on the news. He didn't ask if you were okay. Bobby told them you were in surgery, and your father said, well, that's what he gets for being stupid and reckless with his life, give us a call if he doesn't make it, for the funeral arrangements, and that was it."

Buck shudders.

Hen's face is screwed up, her right hand pressed to her lips.

"I heard that man dismiss you," Athena said in a low voice. "And I saw the way my husband looked after the phone call ended, like he was trying not to be sick. And I saw Maddie's face when we told them that we'd rung your parents, and the way she said we shouldn't have bothered, like… well, I don't know, Buck. Like your parents don't care if you live or die. Either of you."

He shudders again, and the tiniest whimper escapes his lips.

"And I saw Eddie, standing in the corner, listening silently, like he knew before we did what was on the other end of that phone line. And I saw him sag with relief when the doctor said you were okay," she continues. "And I saw your firehouse pull him into a group hug, and they all just stood there silently. Your family. Thankful that you are alive."

Hen wipes her eyes silently.

"We failed you," Athena says. "We all did. After that. Not Eddie, but the rest of us… we did. And Bobby knows he made a mistake. The thing is, Buck, the thing that none of us realised is how much you need your chosen family around you. And how hard it must've been for you, on your own for months, going through physical therapy. And you know Bobby isn't wrong about it being dangerous for you to work while on blood thinners."

He nods, shaking all over.

"But he should've talked to you instead of lying," she says gently. "He lied. I'm not proud of him for that. Because Bobby is your surrogate father, isn't he, Buck? And Hen is your sister, and Chimney is your brother, and Eddie… well, none of us knows what Eddie is to you. Best friend, brother? Something more?"

Buck can't look at her.

"What she's saying," Hen says, "is that you're suffering, and Eddie's suffering, and now we all are as well."

"Eddie," he manages to say. "Won't talk to me."

"Well, you broke his heart, Buckaroo," Athena says matter-of-factly, and he's so stunned that he can only sit there and stare at her, blinking back tears.

"I just wanted my job back."

"We know," Hen says patiently. "But you turned your back on him."

Buck wants to throw up.

"Evan," Athena says maternally, "you are so hurt, and angry, and we all see it. We love you. We still love you. Eddie loves you."

"And we're sorry we weren't there for you when you needed us," Hen says. "When you were all alone, and we… weren't there. I'm sorry."

He nods, and chokes out, "I know I made a mistake."

"Oh Buck," Athena says, and holds her arms out. Before he even realises what he's doing he's crawling over to hug her, burying his face in her shoulder. "Buck, you are really are impulsive."

"I know." Buck pulls away, sniffling and wiping his eyes. "I can't believe you guys called my parents. Why didn't you say anything to me sooner?"

Athena rubs his back and says quietly, "Because it's just too damn sad, Buckaroo."

~~

"Are you ever going to talk to him again?" Chimney asks, as he and Eddie change out of their smoke-filled clothes in the locker room.

"I don't know. That's up to him." Eddie is angry, with Buck, with himself, with everyone around them.

"Hen went over there today. She was worried about him," Chimney continues. "I talked to Maddie about him last night, and she said he hasn't been leaving the house much. They think he might be depressed."

Eddie grits his teeth. "Glad she went over then."

"Maybe you should go over," Chimney says pointedly.

Eddie snaps before he can stop himself. "Why, because I'm his keeper? I'm supposed to forgive and forget that he went right to suing us instead of, I don't know, fucking talking to us like a grown man? No."

"Hey, Eddie," Chimney says, genuinely surprised. "Don't take it out on me." Eddie yanks his shirt over his head, grumbling angrily. Chimney lets out a low whistle from behind him. "Whoa man. Where'd you get that bruise? Are you okay?"

Fuck. Eddie has been doing such a good job of not talking about fight club – ugh, yes, that is what it was – and now his bruises have given him away.

Chimney is staring at him with raised eyebrows, awaiting an answer. Eddie can't say, oh, I'm pissed off that my ex-wife died and abandoned our son, _again_ , and that the guy I love almost died, _twice_ , and then _again_ in a fucking tsunami, oh and my son also died as well, so there's that, and then the guy I love stopped answering my calls and then sued the fire department, and had the audacity to be mad at me for being mad at him, and also, I'm heartsick and broken without him that I need to take my anger out on something so I joined an underground fight club where I beat guys to a pulp every night and then I go home and tuck my son in and pretend like the world isn't crumbling down around me, oh, why do you ask, Chimney? Why do you ask?

Instead he pulls a shirt on, throws his dirty clothes in a gym bag, slams his locker shut and stalks out of the room.

Lena follows him out to his car. "What time are you getting there tonight?" she asks.

Eddie throws his gym bag on the passenger seat. "Not," he says. "Got something else to do."

"You look like you need an outlet."

Sometimes he hates her for introducing him to this, but he climbs into the driver's seat of his new truck and starts the engine. "I've got a kid," he says, as she gazes at him questioningly. "I can't do it all the time."

"No, this isn't about your kid," she says, folding her arms across her chest. "This has never been about your kid or your ex-wife."

"Lay off it, Lena."

She raises her eyebrows at him, smirks and says, "I've never met someone so committed to being miserable. If you love the guy, just go tell him."

Astounded, Eddie can only stare at her.

"Yeah," she says, tilting her head to the side. "If I can see it, they can all see it, and he probably can as well. You are taking this worse than a break-up, you know, and you're acting like a dick one hundred percent of the time. Not a good look, Diaz."

"Fuck off, Bosco," he snaps. With that he pulls out of the parking spot and heads towards home, but halfway there, thinking about god damn Buck again, he gets angry and changes direction, straight for Buck's apartment.

Hen still has his key, so he can't let himself in, and instead he stands outside the door, listening to the sound of the television inside, and is about to knock when he hears Buck's voice clearly say, "Maddie? Can you… can you come over? I need… I can't… can I come to you? Please? _Please?_ "He sounds so young, and broken, and damn sad, that Eddie's anger sort of dissipates. He listens, and Buck says, miserably, "Okay. I'm sorry. I know you have plans. No, tomorrow's fine. It's fine. I'm okay. I'll talk to you later."

So he knocks.

And when Buck opens the door, he looks momentarily hopeful, before that expression is replaced with fear. "Eddie."

Eddie wants to grab him by the scruff of his t-shirt and wring his neck. He wants to throw him up against the wall and punch him, hard. He wants to rip his clothes off and—no, nope, he doesn't think about that.

He pushes into the apartment, not knowing what to say or do. Buck closes the door wordlessly behind him and stands there awkwardly.

Buck's watching Spongebob. He usually watches that with Chris, on a Wednesday, and it is fucking Wednesday, isn't it? Buck is supposed to be at his house.

"Come on," Eddie says gruffly. "Get your stuff. You're coming over to have dinner with me and my kid."

Buck stares at him uncomprehendingly. "I… am?"

"Christopher is waiting. Come on."

At that, Buck practically sprints up the stairs. Eddie hears him pulling open drawers, and wanders over to turn the television off. There are a lot of empty bottles around, so it's pretty obvious what Buck has been doing with himself. Eddie fingers an empty bottle of tequila, scowling, and then happens to look up at the wall above the television. Stuck haphazardly to the wall with tape is a photo of Buck, Eddie and Christopher the day they went to Disneyland with Maddie and Chim. Maddie took the photo, laughing with delight. He has the same one on his fridge at home. They look like a family. Eddie's jaw clenches.

Buck returns, holding his overnight bag. A gift is sticking out of the top. Eddie reaches for it and grabs it before Buck can pull away. "What's this?"

"It's for Chris, it's a Lego set, I thought, he might…" Buck's stuttering, as if he's scared that Eddie might change his mind.

Eddie wants to remind Buck not to give presents unless there's a reason, but he guesses the reason is that Buck hasn't seen Christopher in a few weeks. He shoves the present into Buck's bag and says, "Let's go."

~

Christopher shrieks with delight when Buck arrives.

Eddie lets them reunite, Carla laughing at them as she leaves. He pulls dinner ingredients out of the fridge and turns the stove on, filling a pot with water to boil. Buck and Christopher sit on the floor together, surrounded by Lego, and Buck is so happy and answers all of Christopher's questions. When the questions turn to more serious things, like "What do you think happened to the dinosaurs, Buck?" and "Where does the moon go during the day?", Buck pulls his phone out and they look up the answers together.

Eddie lets Buck tuck Christopher in, and he goes into say goodnight after. "Best day ever," Christopher says to him, already drifting off to sleep.

Eddie kisses his head, and then returns to the living room. Buck has his phone out, but he shoves it in his pocket when Eddie appears.

"You staying?" Eddie asks, grabbing another beer from the fridge.

Buck blinks. "I don’t know."

"You always stay."

"Yeah, but…"

"So stay," Eddie says with a shrug. "I don't care."

That's a lie. He does care. He cares desperately. He wants to know why Buck's eyes have lost their light, and why they're rimmed with dark circles. He wants to have Buck wake up in a house with people, instead of on his own. He wants, god, he wants everything, to throw caution to the wind and say, hey, Evan, come share my bed with me tonight, but he doesn't. He swigs his beer and hates himself.

Buck is staring at him, swallowing reflexively. After a long silence he says, "Hen and Athena gave me a lecture today."

"Good."

"They talked about you, a lot."

"Oh."

"About how I completely and totally betrayed you." Buck's voice quavers, only slightly, but he forges on. "Do you want to know something stupid? I never had a best friend before you."

Eddie raises his eyebrows, ever so slightly.

"I've always had friends, but not a best friend. And in school, you remember, it was like… if you were someone's _best friend_ , that was a special thing," Buck says. "And I wasn't. You know what I think it is? I think it's because only a few people are actually able to put up with me."

_Put up with._ It makes Eddie seethe when Buck starts in on this self-deprecating bullshit, and he's about to say something when Buck says quietly, "The reason I think I'm not good enough for anyone is because my whole life, I never have been. Until I met you."

Eddie drinks his beer. He's trying not to show any emotion, but his whole body is pulled taut.

"And you let me into your life, and… you are my best friend in the entire world," Buck says in a rush. "The best guy I've ever met. And your kid, is just, he's just… if I had a kid, I'd want one like Christopher."

Eddie slams the empty bottle down on the bench, and Buck jumps. "You could have that, if you stopped being such a selfish prick!" he hisses, and Buck closes up again, wilts like a flower in front of his eyes, and fuck, Eddie hates himself for that. "Buck," he groans, pressing both hands to his head. "You make loving you the hardest thing in the world. Why'd you have to do this? Why couldn't you just come over and talk to me? I asked you to talk to me!"

"I don't want to burden you—"

"Stop acting like you're a burden on me! I've told you a hundred times that you're not!" Eddie can't help it, he reaches out and grabs Buck by the scruff of his shirt and shakes him. "Just stop. Just stop, stop, please, god, Buck, I can't… I can't keep doing this, you know? I can't keep… how am I supposed to go on when you make it so hard?"

Buck begins to cry. "Eddie, please. Please don't give up on me."

"I'm not giving up on you! I love you!" Eddie shakes him again. "You should've talked to me. You should've come over here after you and Bobby had it out and _talked to me._ And don't you dare fucking say that you put too much on me, because you don't. I'm your best friend! This is what friends do for each other!"

Buck's nodding, tears streaming down his face. "Okay, okay," he says. "I'm sorry, Eddie."

Eddie releases him before it's too late, and backs away. He sinks down until he's crouching, hands pressed to his face. "You saved my son," he says. "You nearly lost your life saving my son. I would die for you, Buck. I would do anything for you. You have no idea how grateful I am for you. I'm just so angry and I don't know what to do with it."

"Hit me," Buck suggests.

"I'm not going to do that. You're on blood thinners."

"I don't care. Punch me in the face."

"Shut up." Eddie stands up, some of the anger leaving his body.

Buck says, "If you're that angry at me, throw a punch. It'll make you feel better."

"I don't want to punch you. I want you to stop being such a goddamn doofus."

They're both silent. Buck looks around the room, and then says, "I'm gonna go before I fuck this up even more than I already have. Thank you for letting me see Christopher."

"Oh god, Buck," Eddie groans, raking a hand through his hair. "If you're not here in the morning, he will ask where you are. Please just spend the night. Please."

Buck swallows hard, and nods. "Okay."

"Okay. And you're making pancakes in the morning."

"Deal."

~~

Buck is awake when the door opens and Eddie steps into the room. It's the middle of the night but he's been unable to sleep, his mind racing, wracked with guilt, shame and embarrassment.

Eddie's standing in the doorway, watching him, and Buck pretends to be asleep. Is this something that Eddie often does when he's there? He usually sleeps like the dead, so how would he ever know?

And then he hears Eddie whisper, "I know you're asleep, but, I gotta tell you… I can't sleep because I'm lying there thinking how much I miss you, and… I did something stupid, I punched a guy… I got arrested, and Lena had to bail me out because I couldn't call you." He sounds like he's on the verge of tears. "And I joined a fucking fight club, Buck… I feel like I'm losing myself, and I can't tell you because you'll look at me like you don't know me anymore, the way that you looked at me all night, like you're scared that I'm going to hurt you. I don't want you to look at me like that anymore."

Buck wants to say something; wants to move, but this feels like a confession that Eddie doesn't want an answer to, and so he stays still.

"But I gotta tell you, Buck…" Eddie trails off. "Once this stupid lawsuit is over, I'll tell you all about it… about the fight club thing… about how I'm really angry all the time. Please just figure it out." Eddie lingers a moment longer, and then slips out of the room.

Buck opens his eyes. He lays there awake, thinking about leaving, but doesn't.

In the morning he makes them both pancakes and adds choc chips to Eddie's batch.

Eddie drops him at home on the way to work, and he says as Eddie's leaving, "I'll sort everything out, Eds."

Eddie looks up at him with a frown. "Okay."

"Thanks for last night." Buck pats the roof of the truck, and watches Eddie drive away.

Then he does a stupid thing and calls Maddie, because Maddie will tell Chimney everything he says, and when he tells her that he thinks Eddie is involved in some illegal underground fighting ring she laughs at him, and then she pauses and mentions that Chimney saw some unexplained bruising on Eddie, and then she's gasping and saying she has to go.

And Buck goes inside the house, downs a beer, watches some TV, and gets a call from Bobby to meet him at the station.

**


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some chapters are much longer than others. Enjoy.

Four months ago

"So here's the thing," Chimney says, a little drunk but not too bad for a night that's still relatively early. "It's his first month on the job, and Buckaroo here thinks that he's like Captain Kangaroo or somethin'—"

"Do you even know who Captain Kangaroo is?" Hen interrupts.

"Yeah, he's a captain of kangaroos," Chimney replies, rolling his eyes. "So Buck here tries to climb up the tree to rescue the cat and falls out of it. Literally just falls."

"I lost my grip," Buck tries to explain, but Eddie nudges him under the table to stay quiet, grinning broadly at Chimney.

"And then Bobby says, Buck, you're going to have to go up in the ladder," Chimney continues. Maddie has both her hands over her face, cringing. "And Buck says, Cap, give me another go at the tree."

"And the little old lady says, please, please help my kitty," Hen cuts in, "and Buck's all official, don't worry ma'am, I've got this under control." Her voice dips lower, and they all laugh.

"And he climbs up the tree again, and Bobby just looks at me and says, deadpan, get the first aid kit," Chimney says, "and sure enough, not ten seconds later, Buckaroo falls out again, only this time he's got the cat in his hands and four claw marks down his neck."

They're all giggling, but Buck is shaking his head, saying, "No, no that's not what happened—"

"But it is," Hen interrupts, a look of pure delight on her face.

"Now, now, the second time I lost my grip—"

"You didn't lose your grip the second time; the cat scratched you, you let out a scream and _fell_!" Chimney shouts at him, slapping the table, and now they're all in hysterics, and Buck is the one cringing at the memory.

"Man, the mess you were before I came along," Eddie teases him, nudging him with his shoulder. "Good thing I'm here to straighten you out."

"No, Eddie, the thing they're not telling you, that I'm trying to explain," Buck says loudly, holding his hand out to block Chimney and Hen's gleeful faces, "Is that the cat was _vicious_. There was something wrong with that cat; very wrong. It was like the Cujo of cats."

Hen retorts, "It was stuck up a tree, and this big blonde idiot kept trying to grab it!"

"No, it was feral," Buck says to Eddie, pointedly ignoring the others. Eddie has a broad smile on his face, his eyes positively twinkling, and when Buck adds gravely, "It could've been _rabid_ ," he loses it completely, doubling over the table with laughter.

"A rabid house cat?!" Chimney hoots. "Oh Buck, you never cease to amaze me."

"You two haven't even heard the half of it," Hen says, leaning back in her seat. "Baby Buck was a nightmare."

"Buck 1.0," Buck corrects, and she makes a face at him.

"Buck 1.0 then. The Buck 1.0 that, I don't know, borrowed the fire truck to go pick up a chick and then had sex with her in it," she says pointedly, and as he cringes away, Maddie's jaw drops and Eddie elbows him.

Continuing with the pile on, Chimney adds, "And then he had sex with a girl on top of the firehouse; not to mention the therapist—"

"Wait, what therapist?" Maddie demands.

"Yeah, what therapist?" Eddie adds in confusion, and Buck realises he must take control of this situation before Hen and Chimney make it worse.

He says, "The girl on the roof, that was pretty bad, but the therapist… that was kinda worse, and I regret it, so let's not…"

"You had sex with your therapist?" Maddie looks horrified. " _Buck._ That is such a violation of trust."

Buck holds his hands up. "Whoa, whoa, she was hitting on me; I never took advantage of her."

Eddie lays a hand on his shoulder and says quietly, "Not her. You."

He looks around the table, at each of them in turn – Hen and Chimney are suddenly looking guilty, Maddie looks like she might cry and Eddie… Eddie just seems concerned, and Buck was sure he was going to find disappointment there.

So he says, to try to lighten the mood, "Guys – seriously, it was a big mistake but I don't do that stuff anymore."

Maddie sniffs. "I hope you told someone after it happened."

"Oh, he bragged at the station and Bobby had her fired," Chimney replies, raising his eyebrows.

"It wasn't her fault," Buck says, and they all groan.

Eddie says patiently, "You go into a therapy session with the expectation that you can be open and honest with the person you're talking to; it's a charged environment and you need to be able to trust them. What she did was a huge violation of her responsibility to you, her patient."

Buck absolutely does not want to talk about this anymore, so he says, "Guys, just… please. I'm okay. Let's talk about something else, all right?"

Eddie's shoulder butts against his briefly. To try to change the subject they start talking about the time both Buck and Bobby lost their footing on a muddy path in the middle of the rainstorm and ended up sliding to the bottom of a small hill –Hen does a pretty decent impression of Bobby yelling at Buck for taking him down with him – and Buck relaxes again, downing the last of his beer. They're all laughing again, at him, and honestly, he doesn't mind that. There's no malice in it.

Chimney stands up to order them another round, and Maddie and Hen disappear off to the bathroom together. Eddie shifts his chair and somehow ends up even closer to Buck, their bodies connected from shoulder to knee, side-by-side.

"That's fucked up, you know," Eddie says, glancing at him. "What happened to you."

"Do we have to—"

"You never talked about that. I heard about the chick in the truck, and the one on the roof, but I never heard about this until right now."

Buck shrugs uncomfortably. "It's embarrassing."

"For you? It's not embarrassing. It's damn near criminal." Eddie swallows a last mouthful of beer and sets the bottle down on the table, extending one arm over the back of Buck's chair. Their eyes meet, and Buck is surprised when he realises how pissed off Eddie is.

"Eds," he begins, but is interrupted when Lena fucking Bosco appears, long hair draped over one shoulder, grinning at Eddie like the cat who caught the cream.

"Hey Diaz," she says, taking a seat at the table, uninvited. "What's up, Buck?"

"Hey, long time no see," Eddie says easily. His arm is still draped over the back of Buck's chair, and he makes no move to separate himself. "How's things at the 136?"

"Pretty good," she replies, her eyes focused on Eddie. "I heard about you two; rescuing the skydiver from the plane. Big damn hero stuff."

"All in a day's work." Eddie's tone is light, and he hasn't changed position at all. Buck gives him a sidelong look.

"And you, Buck?" she asks, turning to him. "How's the leg?"

He clears his throat. "Good. Got a clean bill of health from my doctor."

"So the dream team is back together," she says, practically smirking at Eddie, and suddenly Buck is utterly consumed with jealousy that they had this friendship, relationship – whatever – and he wasn't a part of it; he wasn't there for any of it.

Eddie shifts slightly in his seat; their bodies part for a fraction of a second, and Buck holds his breath – but he settles right back down, his shoulder pressed even more firmly against Buck's, and says, "Well, you know. We just clicked from day one."

Lena tilts her chin up, ever so slightly. She and Eddie have not broken eye contact, and Buck wonders what the fuck that is all about. "You ever think about jumping back in the ring? Stress relief?" she asks Eddie, who lets out a derisive chuckle.

"No. I'm done with all that shit."

"Maybe Buck should give it a go," she suggests, tilting her head Buck's way. "Might be too rough for you, Buckaroo."

The way she says his nickname has his hackles up, along with the suggestion that a secret, underground fight club would be too _intense_ for him, and he's about to retort when Eddie says, "Nah, he's got enough common sense not to bother with it."

"And you don't?"

And then Eddie's looking at Buck, his lips slightly curved, and he says, "Back then I had a reason to be pissed off. Now, I don't. Everything is good."

Buck had previously had lingering doubts that Eddie was entirely truthful when he'd said that Buck wasn't one of the reasons he joined the secret, underground, illicit fight club, but now he knew for sure that Eddie was a fucking liar.

Lena tilts her head to the side, studying them, but the mood at the table is disturbed when Maddie and Hen return. Lena jumps up so they can sit down, introducing herself to Maddie.

"It's nice to meet you," Maddie, ever the sweetheart, was saying as Chimney returned with a tray full of beer bottles.

"Hey Lena," he greets her. "Thought I saw some guys from your crew over there."

"I was just checking up on these two here," she says, winking at Eddie. "Making sure the band was back together again."

"Back together and damn near inseparable," Chimney replies, taking a seat beside Maddie, and passing two bottles over to Buck and Eddie. "Look at them. Siamese twins."

As if suddenly keenly aware that they're pressed too close together, Eddie pulls away and stands up. "I'll come over and say hi to your Captain, it's been a while," he says to Lena, and she leads him through the crowded bar.

Now alone, Buck has a swig of beer and tries not to scowl, but he's never been great at hiding his emotions.

"Boy," Hen says, raising her eyebrows. "You've got a case of the green-eyed meanies there, Buckaroo."

"I don't like her," he says, unable to keep the spite from his voice. "She's trouble."

"Yeah, he knows, he's got the criminal record to prove it," Chimney mutters, taking another swig of beer, his arm loosely around Maddie's shoulders. "Cheer up, Buck. She's no threat."

Buck grimaces. "A threat? What's that supposed to mean?"

"She's not going to take Eddie away from you," Hen clarifies, sharing a knowing look with Chimney. "He's all yours. Don't worry."

"What are you _talking_ about?"

They're all grinning at him, and he feels like even more of a fool without Eddie there to back him up. "Oh, it's very normal for two grown men to sit so close together that they're practically one person, at a table that's not particularly crammed in," Hen says pointedly.

"And for them to be sharing looks all night," Maddie adds – _betrayal_ , he thinks, shooting her a wounded look. She's supposed to be on his side.

"And for you to look like you wanted to positively beat Lena Bosco to death," Chimney says. "Nothing happened between them while you were away. They didn't really end up staying friends."

"And besides that, she's hella gay." Hen arches an eyebrow at him. "She's not interested in your boy, Buckaroo."

"He's not _my boy_ ," he says, exasperated, and now they're all openly giggling at him. "Guys, come on."

Maddie takes pity on him, reaching across to touch his cheek. "We're just teasing," she says. "It's nice that you two are so close. I mean, you're practically Christopher's second dad. You spend all your time with them."

Hen and Chimney exchange a knowing look, but Buck is feeling even worse, and he sinks down into his seat. Familiar doubts creep into his head – he was a burden; he was asking too much; he was taking too much, and they could all see it. That's why they were teasing him, because he loved Eddie and Christopher too damn much, and one day, probably very soon, Eddie was going to meet a nice girl and move on. And this little thing that they had going, this nice, comfortable routine would change, and Buck would be solo again.

Maddie's looking concerned, but Hen and Chimney haven't noticed his mood change, and it's with no small amount of mischief that Hen leans across the table and says, "Buck, tell me the truth. Have you ever fooled around on the other side of the fence?"

He is _totally_ confused. "Huh?"

"Oh, this is good," Chimney says, wiggling in his seat with excitement. "We've always wondered. Come on Buck, tell us the truth."

"The truth?" he asks, on the back foot.

Maddie sighs, giving Chimney a warning look. "They want to know if you've ever been with a guy," she says, rolling her eyes. "I told them you haven't. You guys have to stop with this, especially before Eddie gets back.

At the mention of Eddie's name Chimney lets out a hoot of laughter, and when Maddie practically glares at him, he holds his hands out innocently. "What? Why can't we just talk about the elephant in the room?"

Buck is still grappling with the realisation that they want him to explain his sexuality to them, and he's not really paying to the looks and pointed murmurs from the other side of the table. Realising that he has to take control of whatever this is, and preferably before Eddie gets back, he asks Hen, "Why do you want to know?"

"Just totally curious, you millennials, out there, doing whatever it is that you do. Truth time, Buckaroo. I will do the dishes for one week if you tell me the truth right now. Gay, straight, bi, pan – what's going on with you?"

One week? He could deal with a week of no dishwashing, and it really doesn't matter to him anyway – he's never hidden it; there just haven't been any guys in a long time. Or girls. Frankly, he's not really interested in anyone, what with spending all his time with Eddie and Christopher.

So he says, somewhat quizzically, "I've dated guys, yeah. Here and there."

They all fall silent, staring at him. It is clearly not the answer they were expecting. Maddie is the first to speak. "What do you mean, here and there?" Her voice is higher than usual.

Buck shrugs. "Here and there, I don't know. I date girls and guys. Well, I used to. I don't anymore."

"So you're… bisexual," Chimney says slowly.

"I guess. I never really cared enough to label it. I like who I like; doesn't so much matter to me what gender they are." Buck has a nervous sip of beer. "It's not a big deal."

Hen's eyes are wide, and she's about to speak again when Eddie returns to the table and slides in beside Buck, back into the nook, their shoulders pressed together again. "What'd I miss?"

And Chimney says, still clearly astounded by Buck's revelation - "Oh nothing, just Buck coming out of the closet."

Eddie's taking a sip of beer, and he almost chokes on it, turning to Buck in alarm.

Maddie says quietly, "You never told me about this."

"It's not a big deal. Is it?" Buck looks at them all in turn, except Eddie, because… he can't. If he turns to Eddie and sees a look of disappointment, his heart won't handle it. "I dated around, a lot. You guys know this. Some of them were dudes; I don't know. It's no big deal." He keeps saying that in the hopes that they will also see that it is _not a big deal_.

"But you haven't dated guys since you've been at the 118," Hen points out, as if she's making a point about something, and she looks at Eddie then – why, he doesn't know.

"I dated a guy my first year here; I just never told you guys that we were a couple." He feels hot, anxious and flustered, and keenly aware of Eddie's shoulder pressed against his.

Maddie's jaw drops. "Evan _Buckley_ ," she says, shocked.

"What? What's the big deal? Seriously," he says, panic rising in his chest. "Why are you all staring at me like that?"

"Because you just so casually talk about something we have never, ever heard you mention before, like we're all supposed to just know this about you," Chimney says incredulously. "Buck, you've never talked about it. Ever. I know more about your bowel movements than I do about this."

Buck makes a face, shaking his head. "What's the problem?"

"There's no problem," Hen says, "but now I'm feeling like I've just outed you."

"Outed me?"

"I made you talk about it."

"Hen, there's nothing to out," he says. "I don't care if you know or not. I just never mentioned it."

"But why would you never mention it, when you mention everything else that's going on in your life? Seriously, Buck," Chimney says. "Do you not trust us?"

"Of course I trust you. It just didn't seem important. If I met someone that I really liked, a great guy that I could see myself having a relationship with, then I would've said something," he says. "But if it's only a casual thing, what's there to talk about? You guys knew I was sleeping around. I'm not anymore," he clarifies, and this time he does glance at Eddie, whose jaw is positively clenched. Oh Jesus, what the hell is that all about?

"It's just a whole new layer to you that I wasn't expecting," Hen murmurs.

"I feel like I maybe shouldn't be so surprised by this, but I am," Chimney says slowly. "After all, it is you, Buck, and nobody is as easy-going as you are."

"I'm not easy," he shoots back, and then grimaces. "Well, not anymore. I was for awhile."

"And then Abby came along and changed all that," Hen points out.

It's the strangest thing. At the very mention of her name, Eddie stiffens beside him. Buck gives him a curious look, but Eddie is now steadfastly refusing to make eye contact with any of them. And he hasn't spoken in minutes, but they're still pressed together, so… they must be good, right?

"Well, we all saw how that turned out," Buck says. "And I still feel stupid about it."

At that Eddie lifts his head. "Why should you feel stupid for that?" he demands. "For loving someone? For believing them when they told you they'd be back? None of that was your fault. She was a selfish bitch who _used you._ "

Buck can only stare at Eddie, his mouth dry. Neither of them notices, but on the other side of the table, their friends are watching with rapt attention.

"She didn't appreciate you," Eddie continues. "And she walked away, and you deserve better. You deserve someone a million times better than that, because you're… you're the best guy. And she's a fucking idiot. And it pisses me off that you waited around for months and she couldn't even call you to break it off. It's cowardly and you deserved better." He takes a swig of his beer and wipes his mouth, then grasps the back of Buck's chair with one hand and gazes at him determinedly. "So you gotta stop beating yourself up about it. You did nothing wrong. Everyone always makes jokes about it, but they're wrong. Not you. Loving someone is not something to be ashamed about."

"Eddie, I…" Buck trails off, uncertain. "I, um…"

"Everyone around here has this thing where they're all constantly piling on you for shit that's not your fault," Eddie says bitterly. "Tonight all we've done is made fun of you, and I'm not doing it anymore. Not after what you've been through. After the tsunami, when you saved all those people and not one single person seemed to notice or care how brave you were? Everyone's getting medals left, right and centre, but somehow you're not on the list. And you're the one they were talking about on the news; the guy with the birthmark who rescued all those people from the waves, and you get nothing for it. You never get any fucking recognition for the amazing stuff you do and it pisses me off. I got a silver star for just doing my goddamn _job_ , and you're out there, saving people, saving my son, and we're still sitting here making fun of you for shit that doesn't matter. I've fucking had enough."

With that, Eddie shoves his chair out and stalks out of the bar.

Maddie's jaw is hanging open. "Oh my god."

Chimney rakes a hand through his hair, letting out a breath.

"I feel like we might have deserved that," Hen mutters, rising from her seat to follow him.

Buck has no idea what to think, about any of it.

~~

"Eddie!" Hen calls urgently. "Don't you dare leave!"

He's at his car, fumbling with the keys, shaking all over. "What do you want?"

"What was all that about?" she demands breathlessly. "Buck loves it when we tease him."

"Not when you tease him about stuff that isn't his fault," Eddie shoots back bitterly.

"He doesn't need you standing up for him—"

"Why not? He never does it for himself! Someone starts in on him, there's a pile on and he just grins and bears it, but fuck me, Hen. You're making fun of him because his therapist had sex with him, and then you fucking out him—"

"Hey!" she snaps. "You asked me to ask him, remember?"

"I asked you to ask him, not make fun of him in front of his friends!"

"No one was making fun of him for that," she retorts. "Eddie, you know it's very, very blatantly obvious that you're in love with him, right? Even if you'd never told me, I would know. You two are inseparable these days."

Eddie groans, looking up at the night sky. "He's never going to feel that way about me."

"He's a dumb boy," she says, and when he gives her a warning look, she adds, "and I say that with affection and all the love in the world, because I love that dumb boy so much. And I loved him before you did."

"But you don't love him the way I do," he points out, hoarsely. "He means everything to me."

"I know he does," she says, reaching out to take his hand, but he shakes his head and takes a step back. She sighs, pushing her glasses up her nose. "Eddie, you are going to make yourself miserable with this. You need to talk to him."

"He doesn't feel the same way."

"He won't make a move, even if he does feel something for you. You know that." Hen wraps her arms around herself, letting out a bitter laugh. "You know, I almost envy him. I spent so long hiding who I was. And he won't even give himself a label. He likes guys and girls, it doesn't matter to him, and it's easy for him to be that way. He's lucky."

Eddie swallows dryly, staring at the ground.

"And if you would just open up to him, tell him—"

"Tell him what? Tell him that I love him, and blow up our friendship? For what?! We just got it back! He doesn't… he doesn't have feelings for me."

"How the hell do you know that?" she demands. "He watches you all day; he follows you around like a lost puppy, he's always sleeping at your house. The other day he was wearing your shirt. Tonight when Lena turned up and you walked off with her, he lost all of his sparkle and it didn't come back until you sat back down beside him, practically in his goddamn lap, Eddie. You tell me. You tell me what will happen if you just man up and tell him the truth. Or are you going to be miserable your entire life? Torture yourself?"

"Yes," he spits, and her face contorts. "Yes, because my parents will be disappointed. Because I'll have another thing that I'll have to argue with them about. Because I could lose the person I care about most in the world, aside from Christopher. Yes, I'm going to take it to the fucking grave, Henrietta. Yes."

"Wake up," she says to him bluntly. "Wake the fuck up, Eddie Diaz. It's the year 2020 and you are torturing yourself for no damn good reason. Need I remind you that you went to jail not three months ago, and that you joined an illegal underground fighting ring to work out all your anger? Need I remind you, Eddie, that life does not always have to be filled misery and fear? What kind of example are you setting for your son if you are never happy? He thinks that's normal, and it's not. You know that."

Eddie's lips begin to tremble.

She gives him a long look, and then says, "I'm sorry. But I'll bet you any money that Buck is sitting in there with his head in his hands thinking that he's lost you, and when we go back inside Maddie will give you a look like you just murdered her baby brother, and you're going to have to explain yourself."

"I'm not going back inside."

"Oh Eddie," she groans.

"What are you going to do? Out me as well?" he snaps, and it's a low blow.

She looks briefly wounded, but recovers and says, "I don't have to. You're not hiding anything from anyone."

He makes a face and shakes his head. "I don't know how I'm supposed to do this," he mutters. "If I tell him, and he says no, it'll ruin our friendship. Christopher needs him. I need him. I can't… I can't jeopardise that. And not only that, if… if it goes the other way, and he wants me too… we'll be split up. We won't be able to work together; we'll work opposite shifts and we'll never see each other. So if I just keep going the way I'm going; if I just… I'll just keep pushing it down, everything will be okay."

"It's a bandaid, and they only work for so long," she replies. "You know it."

"Well, I've been in the closet my whole life – what's a little longer going to hurt?"

"But you don't have to be!" she argues, and he's about to retort when he hears somebody call his name, and turns to find Buck striding towards them.

Hen shoves her hands in her pockets, looking down at the ground.

"Hey," Buck says breathlessly. "Are you okay?"

Eddie nods and says, "Yeah, sorry… sorry. I shouldn't have said that stuff. I was out of line. Just seeing Lena tonight has thrown me, you know… this isn't about you."

"No, it is though, right?" Buck's voice is urgent. "Eddie, I was going to tell you at some point but I figured it didn't matter because I haven't really been interested in dating anyone in a long time. And I thought that if someone did come along I'd tell you then. It's not like I've been keeping a secret from you, I just… it was a long time ago, you know? Eddie? Please?" Buck, always so terrified of being abandoned, of being left on his own, was staring at Eddie with huge eyes.

And Eddie says quietly, "Yeah, I mean, yeah, it's fine, Buck, I don't care. But I gotta go. I just…"

"But we are okay," Buck says firmly, eyes locked on Eddie. "You and me."

"Buck, yes, of course," Eddie replies, and Hen raises her eyebrows at him pointedly. He ignores her, holding his arms out so Buck can step into them for a quick, reassuring hug. "Yes, we're fine."

"And you don't want me to sleep over now? Because I can grab an Uber."

Fuck, he'd totally forgotten about that. "No, I do," he replies. "I promised Christopher you'd be there when he got home tomorrow. Are you ready to go now?"

"Yes," Buck says, and goes around the passenger side. "I'm ready."

Eddie glances at Hen, who just shakes her head at him with pity. "See you tomorrow," he says to her.

She shrugs. "Whatever."

Neither of them will ever find out about how she went back inside and told them that she thinks Eddie is in love with Buck – fudging the truth a little, so she's not outing him, just theorising – and Maddie says wistfully, 'Buck adores Eddie,' and Chimney says, 'They look at each other all the time, even Bobby's noticed,' and Hen adds, 'Christopher told Denny that Buck has his own room at their house and he wants him to move in permanently.' They wonder if they're too hard on Buck, decide that perhaps Eddie is taking things more personally than he should, and Maddie tears up and says, 'I just want Buck to be happy,' and Hen mutters, 'I want them both to be happy, together,' and Chimney says, 'There's nothing we can do about it, you know. They have to figure this out,' as Maddie begins to bawl.

~~

At Eddie's, Buck showers and brushes his teeth, and goes out to the kitchen to get a glass of water before bed. Eddie is sitting on the couch, holding one of Christopher's masterpieces in his hands.

"What's that?" Buck asks, determined not to make it awkward.

"It's for you."

Buck takes the invitation to join Eddie on the couch, and accepts the drawing from him. There they are, the three of them, with Christopher in the middle.

Eddie says quietly, "He used to draw pictures of his mother. Now he draws pictures of you."

Buck feels terrible. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. He loves you so damn much." Eddie rubs his face with his hand, and slumps against the cushions. "I'm sorry about tonight. About the things I said. I embarrassed you."

"You didn't."

"It's just that you're so hard on yourself," Eddie mutters. "And you don't need to be. You're the best guy I ever met in my whole life."

"Well now," Buck says. "You met Barack Obama."

Eddie glances at him, and _finally_ smiles – one of those special smiles of his, where his whole face lights up, and his eyes sparkle. Buck loves to be on the receiving end of one of those brilliant smiles.

"Well, you make a fair point," he finally agrees.

"I can't compete with Barack Obama."

"Nobody can." Eddie grins at him again, and leans back against the cushions. "I lost my temper. I'm sorry."

"You were defending me and I… didn't even really know I needed defending."

"I know they mean well, and it's just jokes, and… I know you love being teased. It's affectionate, I know that." Eddie rubs his face. "But… the thing with the therapist threw me, and then the way… the way they reacted after you came out…"

"I don't really consider that coming out," Buck says gently, "as I don't consider myself to have ever been in the closet or hiding anything from anyone."

"But you never told me."

"I would tell you if I was planning on dating a guy. Or anyone. You would know about it."

Eddie gives a slow nod. "How many guys have you dated?"

"Dated? Just the two that lasted a couple of months. A guy in Brazil and one here. I've slept with a couple more than that, in my wild days."

"And you never struggled with it."

Buck shrugged. "No."

"Why, though?"

"Because I don't have anything to prove to anyone. I am who I am. I like guys, I like girls… it doesn't matter. Everyone is appealing to me. I've told you, Eddie. I _love_ people."

"Yeah, but I didn't think you loved all people." Eddie has a small smile on his lips.

"Well, there are only a few people that I really, really love." He holds up Christopher's picture again and grins. "He's getting really good with the colours."

Eddie smirks. "He's not, but it's nice of you to say."

"I see potential."

"You always see potential in everything." Eddie shifts so he's half facing Buck, folding one leg underneath himself. "When did you know you liked guys?"

He's confused as to why Eddie wants to continue the conversation, but as long as they're sitting together, talking, and Eddie looks relaxed and happy, he'll answer any question he asks. "When I went to Brazil. This guy kept hanging around, and I liked him… so… it just kind of happened, I don't know. It wasn't an exclusive thing. That was the free love phase of my life."

Eddie nods. "So no dating now then."

"No."

"Why?"

Buck shrugs. "Not interested."

"Why?"

He makes a face. "Why? I don't know, because I've got stuff going on, and I'm not interested in random hook-ups. I deleted Tinder. I don't know, I just don't care about that right now. I'm not worried about it. I just… want to go to work and then… hang out with you and Christopher."

"So we're monopolising your time." Eddie's looking guilty.

"No," Buck says quickly – maybe a little too quickly, because Eddie looks at him with surprise. "No. You're not." _Please don't take away my time with you._

"I feel like I ask a lot of you and you never ask anything in return."

Buck shakes his head. "No, you don't." _Please don't take my family away from me, please. Eddie, please._

"And I make you come over all the time. It's not fair on you." Eddie's chewing on his lower lip, his eyes trained on the floor. "You'll never meet anyone if we're blocking you."

"No," Buck says again, a little desperately. "No. That's not it."

"Then why?" Eddie's expression darkens. "It's not _Abby_ , is it?" He says her name like he has to spit it out of his mouth; as though it leaves a bad taste.

"No. Until tonight, I haven't thought about her in months."

"Then why?" Eddie is practically demanding, though he doesn't move from his spot on the couch.

Buck says, "Because I prefer to hang out with you and Christopher," and lifts his shoulders helplessly. "This is where… I feel happy. Here with you guys. After everything that's happened, I can't even imagine… going to a club, or… trying to pick up. I just… I don't want to. And I know it's stupid, and like, I'm putting this on you, and I'm holding you back as well, but… you guys mean so much to me."

"We're holding you back," Eddie murmurs.

"No, I'm holding you back." Buck swallows hard. "And I ask too much. I know I ask too much of you."

"No, you don't ask anything of us at all. You just give, and we just take. Fuck." Eddie bites down hard on his lower lip, shaking his head briefly. "Fuck, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for… being selfish with you."

"You're not though," Buck tries to reassure him. "Eddie, I want to be here with you two, my favourite people."

"But you want your own life, and kids, and someone to love."

Buck swallows hard. "Right now, I just want things to stay as they are. Please. Please, Eddie. Please don't… please don't take Christopher away from me, I… I go home to my empty apartment and I'm just alone, you know? And I come here, and you guys are here, and… I'm not so lonely. And I know it's asking too much. I know. He's your kid, and I'm just his fun uncle, and—"

"You are not his _uncle_ ," Eddie practically snaps, and Buck's heart constricts in his chest.

"I know," he says instantly, trying to appease him. "I know I'm not. It was the wrong thing to say. I'm just his friend."

"No, Buck," Eddie says, and reaches out to grasp Buck's knee. "You're more than his uncle. You're not some person who shows up occasionally and then disappears from his life. You're in his life, every single day. You make time for him; you listen to him, you treat him like a person and not just a kid. You're his best friend in the whole world, and that's more than being an uncle. Uncles… uncles aren't worth shit."

"Oh," Buck says, genuinely surprised, and suddenly bashful. "Okay."

They hold eye contact for a long time, and Buck thinks, _there's something he wants to tell me; he's hiding something_ , but then Eddie clears his throat and says, "So I think I'm holding you back and you think you're holding me back, is that where we stand?"

"Something like that."

"Then what the fuck do we do, Buck, because I like things how they are. I like having you here." Eddie sits back against the cushions, chewing on his lower lip. "But you want a wife and kids and I'm holding you back."

"Eddie, I honestly don't want that right now," he says firmly, and Eddie looks up at him with surprise. "I want this. Whatever the fuck it is we're doing, I want this. I just… I always wanted to be a dad, you know? And you let me pretend with Christopher for a while, and it's… the best thing, because he's the greatest kid I ever met. I just want to be a really great dad, like you."

"You already are," Eddie points out, and holds up the picture. "You're doing this with me, aren't you?"

Buck swallows the lump in his throat. "I'm happy for any time you let me spend with your son."

"I don't let you. I want you to. I want you here. He wants you here," Eddie says quietly. "And you go home to that awful apartment of yours."

"It's not that bad."

"I hate it. There's nothing personal in there. You don't have any pictures on the wall."

"You haven't been around in awhile," Buck points out, because there were pictures on the wall, upstairs, near his bed, where he could see them before he went to sleep.

Eddie glances at him. "You could live here," he says. "That room is yours."

Surprised, Buck says, "You want me to move in."

"Yes. We can both save on money. Your shitty apartment is expensive."

"Again, Eddie, it's not that bad."

"It's not a home." Eddie stands up, and passes Buck the picture again. "Do what you want. I'm offering. Take it or leave it."

Buck says quietly, "My lease runs out soon."

Eddie raises his eyebrows. "Good timing then."

"Yeah, good timing," Buck agrees, and his mouth is dry. "Yes. Okay. Yes. In a few months. In case you change your mind."

"I'm not going to change my mind."

Buck looks like he wants to argue the point, but he nods, looking around the house. "Roommates."

"Roommates." Eddie rolls his shoulders and cracks his neck. "I'll help you move… on one condition. You bring your couch. It's better than this one."

"Okay," Buck agrees numbly.

"Good. Good deal." Eddie looks around the house, and then murmurs, "And your TV as well."

"You stealing my furniture, Diaz?"

Eddie grins at him, and starts down the hall. "Just taking inventory. I'm beat. I'll see you in the morning. Pancakes, right?"

"Yeah," Buck says, but he's looking down at the picture again in disbelief. It was entirely possible that things were even murkier than they had been before, and now he was sure there was something Eddie wasn't telling him – or maybe something he was missing entirely, but… Eddie wanted him to move in, and nothing in the world sounded more appealing than that.

He stood up. Down the hall, he could hear the shower running, and he went to stick the picture to the fridge and grab a glass of water. Eddie wanted him to move in.

Eddie wanted him in their lives, as a more permanent fixture. Eddie had said they were both parenting Christopher. Eddie was worried that _he_ was burdening _Buck._ How was that even possible?

~~

"Eddie," Bobby calls, and cocks his head towards his office. "Can we talk?"

Eddie, who has been taking turns with Buck at the pinball machine, stops what he's doing and hurries over to him. "Sure, Cap." He follows Bobby into his office and takes a seat at his desk. "Everything okay?"

Bobby closes the door and takes a seat at his desk. "How are you going?" he asks seriously. "I think it's time you and I checked in."

Eddie shifts nervously. "I'm okay," he says honestly. "I swear."

"You're still going to therapy?"

He pauses, and then says, "No, I stopped. I'm doing okay, I promise."

Bobby looks concerned, but there really wasn't anything he could _do_ – Eddie had attended all of the sessions required of him for his job, plus a few more. He'd done what he needed to do. Bobby changes the subject. "How's Christopher? We haven't seen him for a while."

"He's great," he says honestly. "Buck and I took him to Universal Studios on the weekend. He loved it."

"That's good to hear. I'm glad you and Buck straightened things out."

"Yeah, me too."

Bobby nods, and shifts some paperwork around on his desk. "Chimney mentioned that you guys went out for drinks the other night, and both he and Hen were concerned about you, and Buck. They're both feeling pretty bad about it."

Eddie thinks, _they should_ , but he doesn't say anything.

Bobby clearly wants him to say something, and when he doesn't, he lapses into concerned captain mode. "I know the highlights, and I know you got upset."

Eddie opens his mouth, pauses for a second to ensure that his tone couldn't be misconstrued, and then says, as calmly as possible, "I feel like… at times, there's a default setting where everyone piles on Buck, and because he loves everyone so much, he sits there and takes it. But I… _know_ that he has problems with his, um, self worth, and so… I said something. And it got a bit heated."

Bobby arches his eyebrows, ever so slightly, and says, "And they said you were upset that Buck didn't get any recognition after the tsunami."

Eddie clears his throat. "I was just… pointing out to them that for all of the dumb stuff he's done, there's… a bunch more that's really amazing. And maybe he isn't… appreciated for it. I don't know."

"I appreciate him," Bobby says, but Eddie doesn't quite believe that, and he can't help the look of scepticism that flickers across his face. Bobby clearly notices it, and tilts his head to the side. "Eddie. After the tsunami, before the lawsuit, the department wanted to give Buck a medal for his bravery. He was on the list of recipients, but… then the lawsuit happened. And they took him off. That's why."

"He still should've gotten it."

"I agree, but… people know what he did out there. It wasn't forgotten or overlooked."

"Well, you could've fooled me." He's growing angrier by the second, and trying to control it by picking at a loose thread on the armrest of his seat.

"Eddie, you can talk to me," Bobby says, changing tactics. "You and I have always been able to talk. Lately I feel like you're pulling away from the team."

He makes a face. "I'm not."

"This thing at the bar, the fighting—"

"I got that under control and I went to therapy," he all but snaps.

Bobby holds his hands up defensively. "All I'm saying is that this is all, in a way, related to Buck."

He lets out a frustrated breath. "My wife had died; Buck nearly died, three times, and then he sued the city and yeah, I was feeling a little pissed off."

"You were so angry that you nearly killed a man," Bobby points out quietly, and suddenly it hits him – yes, he did nearly kill someone, because he was angry and hurt and heartsick.

Eddie looks away, jaw clenching, trying to control his emotions. Outside he can see Buck, who is clearly pretending not to be interested in what's going on in Bobby's office.

"Eddie," Bobby says again. "Are you and Buck in a relationship?"

He sniffs, wipes his nose and says, "No."

"So nothing is going on."

"No. Nothing."

There's an almost unreadable expression on Bobby's face, like he knows Eddie is lying but he's not in a position where he can call him out on it, and so they sit in silence for a few moments. Bobby finally clears his throat and says, "Just, for your information, not that there is anything going on – fraternisation between firefighters of the same house is strongly discouraged, and if there is something going on, the brass will look into moving one of you to a different station. I think you know that, and that's why you're telling me that nothing is happening."

"Have I done something unprofessional?" he asks.

"No, you haven't. Not yet."

"I wouldn't," he insists.

"You may not be able to control your emotions in an emergency."

Eddie gapes at him, and actually manages to bark out a laugh. "Me? You're saying this to me?"

"Yes," Bobby says flatly. "Buck wears his heart on his sleeve – when he walks in here, everyone knows what kind of mood they're going to get. But you? You are wound tight, Eddie, and I'm concerned if something like the truck bomb happened again now, you wouldn't handle it. We can all see how close you are. Do you understand?"

He swallows hard. "Yes."

"So you understand why I'm trying to figure out if I need to separate you two before something bad happens."

"But we're not in a relationship," Eddie argues. "There's no need to separate us. I'm telling you the truth – Bobby, I swear to god I'm not lying to you. And yeah, I care about him, a lot. He's the best friend I ever had in my life and he's been helping me with my kid, and… I owe him everything. But you can't sit there and say to me that you want to split us up for something we've done on the job, because there's nothing. You've got nothing to back it up. You've got no examples."

He'd made a good point, and Bobby let out a sigh, rubbing his chin. "Do you think I want to split you up? It's the last thing I want. I see how well you work together. And you're right – both of you have been nothing but professional and if this thing at the bar hadn't happened, I wouldn't be having this conversation with you. But I'm worried. You need to know that I am."

"Okay." He doesn't know what else to say.

Bobby shifts so he's leaning back in his seat. "Buck's been a lot happier lately."

"I guess so." Eddie wants the conversation to be over.

"I always know with Buck what's going on. If he's happy or sad. He's so open about it. You're the hard one to read."

"You don't need to worry about me, Cap."

"And yet I've heard this before, and it turned out I did need to worry about you. And right now, Eddie, I'm seriously worried about you." He's wearing that concerned father expression, like he's switched out of 'Captain' mode and is now just _Bobby._

And Eddie is just suddenly so exhausted with lying, and with trying to hide his feelings, and with how confused and angry and miserable he's been feeling for _months_ , and tears are brimming in his eyes before he can help it.

Bobby says, "Eddie, listen… right now, we're just friends, talking. I'm not your boss. Please… I'd really like to know what's going on with you. You know I care about you."

He did know that. Bobby cared about them all – they were a family, after all, and they needed each other. And Eddie could guess that everyone was feeling that there was something off with their boys, their two best boys – Buck _loved_ when Bobby called them that and would literally glow with pleasure.

Finally he says, "I know you do. I get it."

Bobby glances out the window, presumably at Buck, but Eddie doesn't bother to look. "He's been staring at us since we came in."

"I know." Eddie can _feel_ Buck's eyes on him; can practically read his mind at this point.

"At the risk of overstepping and opening myself up to a HR investigation, I'm going to ask, as your friend and not your boss – Eddie, are you in love with him?"

He should say no instantly, really firmly and with emphasis. But he's so goddamn weary; so tired of pretending, and he's never been a good liar. He's good at hiding things, yes, but not when he's confronted with the truth.

So he says quietly, "Yeah, something like that."

A flicker of emotion crosses Bobby's face – sympathy, or pity, he's not sure. "So you're not okay."

And now he can't lie at all, and he rubs his face with both hands and lets out a long sigh. "No."

"Are you going to tell him?"

He meets Bobby's eyes. "No."

Bobby's lips press together. "Why?"

"Because it could destroy our friendship, and that's the last thing I want. And… you'll split us up. So it's better for both of us not to be in a relationship – which he doesn't want, anyway, because he doesn't know that I have these feelings for him and he does not reciprocate them." Of that, Eddie was sure.

Bobby blinks at him with surprise. "How do you know that?"

"I know him. Like you said, he wears his heart on his sleeve. He doesn't feel that way about me."

"Eddie, he's been pacing back and forth out there ever since we came in here," Bobby says patiently. "He follows you around; he defers to your judgement; he's over at your house all the time; he—"

"He loves me," Eddie cuts in, "but just as a friend. Because he never had a best friend before, either. And we've made this great team, and I don't want to screw it up."

"There's nothing I can say to you, is there?" Bobby asks quietly. "You've convinced yourself of this. You know you're wrong, Eddie."

He shakes his head. "I think you are."

And suddenly Bobby lets out a tired laugh and says, "And I thought I was going to bring you in here, and we'd talk and feel better, but I feel worse. You know I care about you. And Buck's like a son to me."

"I know."

"Look, obviously… you're right, if there's nothing going on, there's nothing I can do. And you have both been nothing but professional at work. So here's what I'm going to do. You've had a rough year, and you barely took any time off, and you've got some days built up. Unless you're keeping them for something, why don't you take them now? Take Christopher away?"

That makes Eddie feel strangely hopeful, and he wants to ask if Buck can have the same time off – but that wouldn't be the smartest move. So he says, "I'd really like that."

"Good. And I'll give Buck time off as well." Bobby smiles at him.

He's surprised. "Really?"

"Well, I have a feeling he'd come in here and ask me for the same days off so he could go with you, so… I'll just beat him to the punch." Bobby passes over a leave request. "Fill it in. There's a long weekend coming up. You could book into Yellowstone for a few days. Have you ever been?"

"No," Eddie murmurs.

"You'll love it. Get out in nature for a bit."

"You want us to visit a super volcano after Buck and Christopher went through a tsunami this year?" he asks, somewhat incredulously, and Bobby laughs. "Man, if that thing goes off, it's your fault."

"I think you'll be fine," Bobby says with a grin. "You and Christopher will be fine; Buck I'm not so sure. Make sure he stays on the path."

"Okay." Eddie looks down at the paper in his hands. "You won't say anything to him?"

"No."

"The last thing I want is to screw up my friendship with him. We've been through enough this year. I'll get a lid on this and swallow it back down, and I'll be okay. Really. I've been living with it for a year; I can keep going," he says determinedly. "And Buck never has to know."

Bobby gives him a look filled with sympathy, and says quietly, "Eddie, what makes you think he doesn't already know? And that he doesn’t feel the same way?"

"He doesn't."

"He's just as scared of losing you as you are of him."

Eddie shakes his head. "No. Not even close."

~~

Buck wants to pounce on Eddie when he leaves Bobby's office, holding a piece of paper, but Eddie turns and heads down the stairs to the locker rooms, away from everyone.

So he goes to follow him, but when Bobby calls his name he stops abruptly and changes course, into his office. "What's going on?" he demands. "Is Eddie okay?"

"Yes, he's fine," Bobby says in exasperation. "Close the door."

Buck does, and can't help himself but to pace back and forth. "Did you fire him for something? For the fighting thing?"

"No, he's gotten support—"

"Did you find out about him asking me to move in?"

Bobby looks taken aback. "No, I didn't even know—"

"Because it's just to save money."

"Buck!" Bobby snaps. "Sit down! Stop pacing!" So Buck does as he's told, tapping his foot anxiously, and Bobby looks at him like he's lost his mind and says, "What the hell is going on with you two?"

"Nothing," he replies, genuinely confused.

"As your boss, I'm allowed to have a meeting with one of my employees that doesn't concern you," Bobby points out.

Buck goes red. "Sorry."

"And what's this about you moving in with him? Eddie didn't mention that to me."

"It's just to save money. LA is expensive." Buck clasps his hands together in his lap tightly, trying not to wriggle around with anxiety.

Bobby eyes him skeptically. "Okay. Well, I didn't know that until just now." He sits back in his seat, tapping a finger to his lips. "Have you told anyone else?"

Buck gives a quick head shake.

"Do you think this is a good idea?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

Bobby lets out a laugh, and says, "Jesus, Buck. I don't… You're either pretending that you don't know what I'm talking about, or you genuinely don't know. And if you genuinely don't know, then… you need to open your eyes."

Buck swallows hard. "To what?"

" _Buck._ "

"… Bobby?"

Bobby smacks his hand on the table lightly, raising his eyebrows at Buck. "He _asked you to move in with him._ "

Buck is clenched up tight in his seat, his heart pounding. He knows it's significant. He's not stupid. He just… can't allow himself to have any hope that things might be different. Eddie needs help with Christopher, and support, and that's what he will give them.

Finally he says, "I don't know what you want me to say."

Bobby groans, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Okay. This is going nowhere."

Buck glances out the window as Eddie walks past the windows to the office, doing a comical double take when he realises Buck is inside. He recovers and continues across the room to where Hen and Chimney are sitting, shooting another concerned look across as he takes a seat.

"Why did you call me in here?" Buck finally asks. "This isn't about us moving in together."

"No." Bobby passes him over a piece of paper. "Eddie's taking a couple of days off over the long weekend. You should as well. Get some distance."

Buck stares at the paper in his hands. "I don't—"

"Figure out what's going on between you two."

"There's nothing—"

Bobby sighs impatiently. "There is, Buck. Open your eyes."

So Buck looks out to where Eddie is sitting at the table with his shoulders hunched over. He thinks about the moving in together thing, and the way they're always together now, and the way Eddie reacted after he found out that Buck had dated guys. He thinks about the way he sometimes catches Eddie looking at him with a funny expression on his face, and sometimes there's a twinkle of something in his eyes that Buck can't put his finger on. He thinks about the way Eddie spoke to him that night he thought Buck was asleep. He thinks about the way Eddie was his constant visitor when he was in hospital. He thinks about how angry Eddie was about the lawsuit, like he'd been personally betrayed.

He looks at Bobby again, and then stands up. "Okay, I'll take some time as well," he says quietly.

"And you guys should go away together. Figure this out."

He doesn't know what they're supposed to be figuring out, so he just nods and says, "Okay."

And Bobby gives him a pitying look. "Oh, Buck."

Buck feels small as he leaves Bobby's office, and instead of heading over to where the others are seated, he does exactly what Eddie did and heads down the stairs. And when he's at his locker, he grabs his wallet and jacket and leaves the building, heading down the street to the coffee shop. He just needs some time alone, to think, because none of it is making sense to him anymore.

And then, as he's striding away from the 118, it hits him like a ton of bricks. _Eddie's in love with me._

Suddenly it all clicks into place, and Buck stops in place on the footpath, trying to catch his breath. But that can't be possible, right? They've never – Eddie has never, ever talked about it. Eddie has never been anything but straight. He was married, for Christ's sake, and he's got a kid. He's just letting Buck in to lighten the load of fatherhood a bit, that's all.

But then Bobby told him to go away with Eddie. And Eddie is upset about something. And Hen and Chimney keep staring at them like they're waiting for something to happen. And Eddie was so defensive that night at the bar, so angry, and he kept his arm around Buck's chair like he was claiming him, and when Lena was there, he was so possessive, and… that's not normally how two straight, male friends act around each other, right?

He simply cannot make sense of a world where Eddie Diaz could possibly be in love with someone like him; that he would be worthy of that. It makes no sense. Eddie is nice enough to let Buck into his house, to share his son, but it's out of friendship and nothing more. Buck knows that. He would never overstep his boundaries; the boundaries that he has put into place to protect himself when the inevitable hurt comes. And it will come, like it always does. He thought the lawsuit might have been the end, but Eddie was good enough to take him back, and now he'll never do anything again to jeopardise his tenuous position in Eddie's life.

So no, there is no possible way that Eddie is in love with him, because nobody has ever been in love with Buck. And maybe nobody ever will.

~~

Eddie is sitting there numbly in the kitchen, Bobby's words replaying in his head. Hen and Chimney are both milling around awkwardly – for what reason, he doesn't know, but they're both there. And when Hen gasps and covers her mouth, he turns to find Buck striding out of the 118 and into the night.

Well, whatever Bobby said worked a trick, because Buck has walked out. And Eddie's heart feels like a hardened piece of coal in his chest.

"Where's he going?" Hen asks Bobby as he emerges from his office.

"Who?"

"Buck. He just left."

Concern floods Bobby's face, and he grips the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. "Eddie. Go on."

Eddie shakes his head. He can't face Buck yet; can't look at him. Can't look at any of them, because he thinks they all know the thing he's been trying in vain to keep a secret.

Hen says, "I'm going," but she pats on Eddie on the shoulder as she leaves.

Chimney says, "What the fuck is going on?" and Bobby replies, "I think I made a mistake."

And Eddie says flatly, "You could've just stayed out of it," as he looks up at Bobby, who nods and turns away.

~~

Hen finds Buck on a bench near the coffee shop, staring off into space. He barely notices when she sits down, but when she touches his arm he first thinks that it could be Eddie, and is almost immediately disappointed.

"Buckaroo," she says. "What's going on?"

She already knew about the moving in thing – he'd confided in her that morning, too excited to keep it a secret. So he asks her, in a small voice, "Do you think I'm making a mistake?"

Hen pauses, her eyes searching his face. "No."

"I'm not being a burden on Eddie. He asked me to move in."

"No, you're not," she agrees, taking his hand. "You know what's best for you. Eddie knows what's best for him. If he thinks you moving in is the best thing, then that's what you should do. You're not missing anything. You know Eddie better than all of us. There's no ulterior motive behind this."

He nods. "I know," he says. "But Bobby—"

"Bobby is playing the protective dad because he's worried about you, because you're like a son to him. A very tall, annoying, adult son. You always seek approval from him." Hen squeezes his hand. "You seek approval from us all. You don't need to do that. We love you, and we will not abandon you, and we will not turn our backs on you. Understand? You are worthy of love, Buck. You are. I know your parents did a number on you, and I know Abby did as well, but you are worthy of being in love and having a family of your own, what you've always wanted. Believe me when I tell you this."

He nods again. There's a lump in his throat. "I still feel like I'm doing something wrong."

"You're not." She searches his face, and then says, "And I'm very sorry about the other night. About forcing you to talk about your sexuality. It was wrong."

"Hen, I don't care."

"You say that, but I think you care too much about what we all think of you." She's smiling sadly at him. "Buck, you are lovely, did you know that?"

He lets out a small, hiccup-y laugh. "Lovely? Me?"

"You're just so damn nice. When you first started working with us I thought, oh, here's this hot young guy, and he's going to be a total jackass. And you just blew me away. Your kindness towards other people, your generosity – you're always putting other people first. Like when Eddie started, and he needed support and help with Christopher – that was all you, helping him out. And you barely knew him. You just do what's right. You put others first. It's why you're such a great firefighter."

He swallows the lump in his throat. "Hen, that's… that's… you don't have to say that."

"I do have to, so you know it's not just Eddie by your side. It is all of us. Maybe we tease you a bit, but I don't really think you hate it—"

"I don't hate it."

"No, I know you don't, because you egg us on," she says, nudging him with her elbow. "But I think Eddie feels pretty strongly about protecting you. And it's nice to have someone in your corner."

He wanted to say that he didn't need Eddie's protection, but he kinda liked that he had it, and so he grinned, rolling his shoulders a bit. "He was pretty steamed up."

"Yeah, he's pretty possessive about you, isn't he?"

"I don't know, I like it. It's nice. I've never had that before I met him."

And then Hen says, out of the blue, "Buck, are you in love with him?"

He blinks at her. "What?"

"I asked the question. I have to ask the question."

He contemplates it, because the answer is yes – of course he's in love with Eddie, he has been for a long, long time. He simply decided to never act on his feelings, in order to preserve their friendship. "It's not that simple," he replies after a minute. "It's not just… it's not that easy."

"Why not?"

"Because he is unattainable, so I never let myself think about it," he replies. "Eddie's unavailable. He's straight. He's my best friend. I wouldn't want to screw that up – I almost lost him once; I can't do it again. And besides that, he doesn't want me like that. So I never think about it. It's not an option."

"What if he did want you like that?" she asks.

"He doesn't."

"But what if—"

"He doesn't," he insists. "There is no possible way that Eddie could ever feel about me the way I feel about him. He's not… messed up like I am. I know I'm screwed up, and I latched onto him and his kid because I just want to be _apart_ of something, you know? And one day he's going to wake up and realise he's got a fucking parasite attached to him and cut me loose. I know it. I always get left behind, Hen. Always."

"Oh, Buck," she whispers, and screws her face up as she pulls him in for a hug. "You're so hard on yourself."

It's then that he realises Eddie is walking towards them, shoulders hunched, and he pulls away from her and rises to his feet. Hen stands as well, her eyes darting back and forth between them.

"Night shift is here," Eddie says, shoving both hands in his pockets. "Your car is at my place. Are you… coming with me?"

"Yes," Buck replies, taking a step toward him. "I was just gonna get a coffee. Do you want one?"

Eddie checks his watch, scratches his head and says, "It's a bit late, but I'll take a hot chocolate. I'll park out the front here and wait."

"Okay."

As Eddie turns back to the station, Hen starts to follow him, but stops when Buck grabs her hand and pulls her back and whispers urgently, "That's between us. What I said."

She nods. She looks heartbroken.

Buck doesn't know that she goes back to the station and tells Chimney and Bobby what he said, and that Chimney tells Maddie later that night and Maddie cries about it. Bobby tells Athena and Athena gets that _look_ on her face, like she wants to intervene and call them and tell them to stop being so ridiculous, but Bobby says that they just have to figure it out.

And when Eddie does take his personal days, after convincing Buck to come camping with him and Christopher, and the three of them take a long road trip to Yellowstone, everyone else gets together for family dinner at Bobby's house. All they talk about is those two dumb, stubborn, stupidly-in-love boys and what they can do to help them, but Bobby says again that there's nothing they can do. They can't out Eddie. They can't magically fix Buck's self-esteem. They are going to have to figure it out for themselves, and the rest of them have to be there for support.

Buck and Eddie never find out about this dinner, and when they come back to the station and everything is normal, nobody mentions it, but Hen and Chimney are looking at them kind of hopefully. Eddie dashes that hope when Hen asks him, one-on-one, if anything happened while they were away - he says no, and looks at her quizzically like he doesn't understand why she would ask.

**


	8. Part A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so long that it's split into two parts! Enjoy. :)

Three months ago

Buck's coming off a 24 hour shift, sitting in his Jeep in traffic, the radio blaring to keep him going. He's on his way home, to his place – not Eddie's – to grab some sleep, but first he's going to stop off at McDonalds and get himself something greasy, because as much as he loves Bobby's cooking (and he does), sometimes the only thing that will hit the spot is a Big Mac.

He can see the golden arches in the distance when his phone starts ringing, and Eddie's name flashes up on the screen. He answers the call through Bluetooth, and Eddie's voice fills the car. "Buck, I fucked up."

"What's going on?"

"The schedule; Christopher's schedule. You know how I had booked in that advanced scuba course? Well, it's today, and I've paid two hundred bucks for it, and—"

"You need me to pick up Christopher."

Eddie laughs, but it's bitter. "Yeah, I do, but fuck. You must be exhausted."

Buck had picked up the extra shift to give one of the other guys at the station a night off with his family. "I'm okay," he says, rubbing his face. "I'll drink a Red Bull. Where is he?"

"Pepa picked him up but she's been called into work, and I tried to call Carla but she's busy, and I can't ask Abuela again, because it's not fair, and—"

"Eds, it's okay, I got this," Buck says with a laugh. "I'm coming to the rescue. He's at Pepa's – no problem, I'll pick him up and take him back to your place. What time does your course finish?"

"Early afternoon, two or three at the latest – I'll be home to relieve you. You think you can hold out til then? When's your next shift?"

"Not until tomorrow morning, same as yours," Buck replies, turning off to head back to Eddie's side of town. The golden arches disappear behind him, and his stomach rumbles, but he'll make something at Eddie's for them to eat. "No problem, Eds."

"Thank you," Eddie says gratefully. "Seriously, thank you. You're the best."

"Anything for Christopher, you know that." _And you._

"You can take him back to yours if you want—"

"No, no, the place is a mess right now. Plus, you've probably got food in your fridge."

Eddie laughs warmly. "Help yourself, bud. How was last night? You miss me?"

"A couple of call outs – a pretty bad accident on the 405," Buck replies. "Nothing life or death for us though, it just meant I didn't really get any sleep."

Eddie hisses. "Seriously, you can say no. I will… I'll cancel the course."

"Eddie, I've turned the car around and I'm ten minutes out from your aunt's place. Stop worrying; I'll be fine. Get going. I'll see you when you get home."

"Wait," Eddie says. "You need my car, for the car seat. Swing by here and we'll exchange keys."

"Are you running late yet?"

"Nearly," Eddie laughs. "But you're only a few minutes out. It'll be okay."

So Buck stops at Eddie's place, grabs his pack from the backseat of the car, and they toss their keys to each other. "Thank you," Eddie calls to him, climbing into the front seat of the Jeep. "Seriously, Buck."

"Go learn how to scuba dive," Buck shouts at him, and hops into Eddie's car. He's always liked driving the truck around. It's a bit more masculine than his Jeep.

~

Christopher is unusually subdued when Buck picks him up. He gives Buck a hug and a kiss on the cheek and waits while Pepa loads Buck up with a container of freshly baked cookies and a couple of jars of Abuela's famous strawberry jam (his favourite), but in the car on the way back to Eddie's house, he's silent in the backseat.

"You okay, buddy?" Buck asks. "All good?"

"Yeah," Christopher says, but he doesn't sound as cheerful as he usually does.

"You want me to stop somewhere, get something to eat?"

"No, I'm not hungry."

"Not even for pancakes?" Buck glances up at the rear-view mirror, and Christopher shakes his head. "All right. Want to watch some TV when you get home?"

"Yeah, okay. Where's Daddy?"

"He had to go learn how to scuba dive," Buck explains. "He's going to get an advanced certification so if we need to rescue someone underwater, he can do it. Because right now, only Bobby and I can do it."

"Stupid scuba diving," Christopher mutters.

Now Buck is really concerned. "What's wrong, buddy? You miss your dad?"

"Why does he need to learn that if you already know it?"

"I might not be there one day," Buck explains. "And your dad will have to take over. He'll be back early this afternoon, and then we'll do something together. Okay?"

Christopher nods silently. He is clearly out of sorts, but Buck hopes he'll cheer up when they get settled at home.

Once they arrive at Eddie's, Buck helps Christopher into the house and gets him settled on the couch, before returning to the car to collect his bag and the food. He's putting things away in the kitchen when Christopher asks for a glass of milk and a cookie, which Buck happily provides him. While Christopher is distracted by the TV, Buck stuffs one cookie into his mouth, and follows it with another and then a third, and washes them down with a fresh cup of coffee.

"All right," he says, joining Christopher on the couch. "What are we watching?"

Christopher passes him the remote. "I don't know," he says, sounding listless again.

Worried, Buck asks, "Are you okay, buddy?"

"I miss my Daddy," Christopher says, and bites his lip.

"He'll be home in a couple of hours," Buck promises.

"That's too long," Christopher complains, and begins to sniffle, "and I don't feel well."

Now extremely concerned, Buck checks Christopher's temperature by putting his palm on his forehead, the way Maddie used to do for him when he was little. "You do feel a little warm. What's bothering you, bud?"

"I feel sick," Christopher says again, and without warning, projectile vomits all of the food he'd eaten that morning onto Buck's shirt.

"Oh jeez, Chris," Buck says, shocked, as Chris coughs and pukes again, this time on Buck's lap. "Holy crap. Let's get you into the bathroom."

"I want my daddy," Christopher cries, but allows Buck to pick him up and carry him down the hall to the bathroom. He leaves a trail of sick that he'll have to clean up later, definitely before Eddie gets home.

He doesn't really know what to do. Christopher vomits into the toilet again, but this time it's mostly water. They sit on the bathroom floor together, Christopher at Buck's side, Buck's filthy clothes in the tub, and Buck tries to call Eddie, but it goes directly to voicemail.

So he calls Carla, apologising profusely when she playfully teases him about it – until he mentions that Chris is sick, and then she turns serious. "Symptoms?"

"Slight fever," Buck says, pressing his hand to Chris's head again. "Vomiting. Looking generally miserable."

"There's a stomach bug going around his school; they sent around a notice about it last week. Keep checking his temperature. If it goes above 100, take him to the emergency room. Try to get him to drink and give him some children's Tylenol. I think he'll be okay – all kids go through this – but if you're genuinely concerned, don't be afraid to call for help. I wish I could come over, Buckaroo, but I am booked up for the day. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," he says, as Chris coughs, and he's instantly up and helping him lean over the toilet bowl so he can vomit again. "Thank you. I gotta go."

"Call me in an hour," she instructs, just before he hangs up. "Good luck."

He's going to need it, because now Christopher was crying for Eddie in earnest. Buck rushes into his bedroom, clad only in his boxers, and fetches a fresh pair of pyjamas. He runs out to the kitchen to get the water and children's Tylenol, and rejoins Christopher in the bathroom, helping to clean him up and change him into fresh clothes.

He checks his temperature with the thermometer and relaxes a bit – it's 99, a little high but nothing too concerning. Christopher cries steadily, tears rolling down his cheeks, but he stops when Buck helps him to sip some water and take some medicine.

He finds a bucket under the sink – he guesses Eddie has been through this before – and carries Christopher into his bedroom, tucking him into bed, setting the bucket down beside him. He quickly hurries back into the bathroom to wipe himself down with a washcloth and retrieve his phone, and then goes into Eddie's room to borrow some clothes. He's never been in Eddie's room before and he doesn't allow himself to think about what that means, but he spots three things that catch his interest – one is the framed Disneyland photo that Maddie took of them, and the other is a book with the LGBT flag called _Understanding Sexuality_ , another photo placed haphazardly on top, of Eddie and Buck, from that day they took Christopher to the beach, before the tsunami. Buck knows Christopher took that picture, because he'd taken a hold of Eddie's phone and snapped a series of awful – truly terrible – photos of them during the day, but that picture was good. Buck and Eddie, both shirtless, grinning at each other.

But Buck doesn't have time to think about what any of that means, because Christopher calls out for him and he races back into his bedroom just in time to hold the bucket while he vomits.

~~

Eddie has one missed call from Buck and three from Carla, and his heart plummets into his stomach as he tries to call Buck back. No answer. He's still at the beach, dripping wet, a towel slung around his waist.

So he calls Carla, who answers on the first ring and says, "Honey, Christopher is sick and I haven't been able to get Buck on the phone to find out what's going on."

"He's sick?" Eddie demands, because his course ran long, and he's over an hour later than he said he would be, and he's bone tired, and his phone was in the car, and—

"Now, I think it's just that stomach bug," she says, and he relaxes just a bit, throwing his stuff into the backseat of Buck's Jeep. "But Buck was supposed to call me and he hasn't, and I'm not too worried, but I'm a little worried. If you know what I mean."

Eddie grabs a shirt out of his bag and pulls it over his head. "I'm on my way home," he says. "I'll call you when I get there."

He runs two red lights – the first is accidental, but the second is pretty deliberate. He comes in on the tail end of the amber light both times and is relieved there aren't any police around – it'd just be his luck to get done by Athena, and wouldn't that make her cackle with delight. He makes it home in record time, parking up on the footpath, and sprints into the house, calling for Buck.

The first thing he smells is the unmistakeable stench of vomit; the first thing he sees is the trail leading down the hallway, and he follows it, searching for them, and comes to a stop in Christopher's doorway.

There's Christopher, asleep. There's Buck, on the floor – head and shoulders on the bed, legs underneath. Christopher's hand is clutching a fistful of Buck's curls, and Buck has his arms stretched across the bed over Christopher's body. He's asleep as well.

Eddie sags against the doorframe, the panic and fear leaving his body. They're okay. They're just asleep.

He checks Christopher, uses his palm on his forehead to gauge his fever and then double checks it with the thermometer. It's almost normal. The bucket on the bed is empty. Neither of them stir, and Eddie leaves them, heading back out to the living room to call Carla and let her know that everything is okay.

Then he cleans up the house, mopping the floor and putting soiled clothes in the washing machine. His couch has taken a beating so he spends some time scrubbing it, and follows that with a quick shower before downing a bottle of water in the kitchen. He wanders back in to check on them again and finds that Buck hasn't moved, but Christopher's curled around him, his head resting on Buck's shoulder. He looks up at Eddie with sleepy eyes as he enters. "Daddy."

"Hey," Eddie whispers, leaning over to brush a hand through his hair. "You feeling okay, mijo?"

"Yeah, better."

"Is Buck okay? You're taking care of him?"

Christopher nods. "He was tired. He kept falling asleep."

Buck doesn't stir. Eddie steps around the other side of the bed and slides in beside Christopher, who shifts so he's spooned against him. "How's your tummy?" Eddie asks, rubbing his back.

"Feels better now." Christopher still has his hands twisted in Buck's hair. "I missed you."

"I missed you too. I'm sorry I wasn't here."

"It's okay. Buck took care of me."

"He does that, doesn't he? Always looking after his best friend."

"You should marry him," Christopher says, and suddenly Eddie can't breathe. "Bella has two dads. I could have two dads."

"You want me to get married again?"

Christopher nods, and then clarifies, "Only to Buck."

"Maybe Buck doesn't want to marry me, mijo."

"No, he does. He told me."

Eddie frowns. "He said that to you? When did he say that to you?"

"In his sleep," Christopher says, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. "I asked him if he would marry you and he said he would, and then he snored really loudly."

He relaxes enough to smile. "He's out of it. He's had a long day."

Christopher plays with Buck's hair, and says, "I think it would make you happy."

"Would it make you happy?"

"Uh huh." Christopher's voice is quiet. "Stay in bed with me?"

Eddie nods, closing his eyes. "Of course."

~

When he opens them again, Buck has moved from the bed and is sitting with his back to the wall, knees pulled up to his chest. He smiles at Eddie when he lifts his head. Christopher is still asleep.

"You okay?" Eddie whispers, propping himself up on his elbow.

Buck nods. "Wiped out. You?"

"I'm okay now. Carla was worried. You forgot to call her back."

"Shit." Buck looks guilty. "It slipped my mind. I was making sure he was okay."

"You did a great job," Eddie says sincerely. "Thank you."

"He kept asking for you. I didn't know what to do." Buck looks down at himself, and Eddie realises that his closet has been raided. "I had to borrow some clothes. Sorry."

"It's fine," Eddie says, but he wonders what Buck saw in his room, and from the way Buck is looking at him he thinks he probably saw the photos and the book, and he has to come up with an explanation, so he says, "The photo—"

"The Disneyland one?" Buck cuts in smoothly. "I have it on my wall too."

He wants to mention the other photo, but he just nods, and looks down at his son. "It was a good day."

"They're all good days," Buck points out.

Eddie lifts his head again. "Yes."

"You're my two favourite people in the whole world," Buck says. "Even today was good. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else."

"I wouldn't want you to be anywhere else either," Eddie hears himself say. Shit, he's fighting a losing battle, and Buck is staring at him with huge eyes.

They're dancing around it now, the truth of the matter. The goddamn truth of it. Someone needs to make the first move; someone needs to say something, but they're both standing on the edge and neither of them will take the leap.

Buck stands up slowly. Eddie's shirt pulls taut across his chest. "I need a shower," he says ruefully. "I really stink."

"Okay," Eddie murmurs, because he doesn't know what else to say.

Buck leaves them and heads into the bathroom, and a moment later the shower turns on.

It's early evening. Christopher awakens when Eddie climbs out of bed, and when Eddie asks him if he wants some dinner, he says he doesn't and burrows under the covers again. Eddie checks his temperature – back to normal – and makes him drink some water. He's wondering whether he should give him some Tylenol when Buck says from the doorway, "It was around 11am when I gave him the Tylenol, Eds."

Eddie looks up at him gratefully. It's been over six hours, so he gives him another two and sits with him while he goes back to sleep. Finally satisfied that Christopher is in a deep slumber, he wanders out and finds Buck leaning on the kitchen bench, freshly showered, wearing Eddie's clothes and eating a chocolate chip cookie.

And something inside him snaps; simply cannot take it anymore, can't take the pain of not being together. He steps right into Buck's space, takes the cookie from between his lips and puts it on the bench. Buck puts both hands on the edge of the counter with a fire in his eyes that Eddie has never seen before, and they stare at each other silently, as the air in the room hangs heavy and thick.

And Eddie says, because he simply _cannot keep it in anymore_ , "I'm in love with you," and he's barely gotten the words out when Buck groans, "God, I'm so fucking in love with you too, I can't stand this," and crushes their lips together.

They kiss, silent and frantic, pawing at each other, under the bright lights of Eddie's kitchen. They kiss, pushing each other up against cupboards, the fridge and the sink, hands roaming over and under clothes, finding new places to explore. They pull apart and stare at each other and then kiss again, and Eddie feels like he's been drowning for years and is only now coming up for air.

Buck picks him up – fucking _picks him up_ – and sits him on the counter, pushes in between his legs and tilts his head up so their lips can meet. When Eddie pauses for air, Buck's lips are on his cheek, his jaw, his neck, his ear and back again, and hands slide up his shirt and around to his back, fingers digging in for purchase.

"I want you," Eddie growls at him, and he's never fucking done this before but it doesn't matter, because Buck is picking him up again – and it's absolutely infuriating how much that turns him on – and carrying him down the hallway, pausing just outside Christopher's room so they can peek in to make sure he's still asleep, before continuing into the master bedroom.

Eddie hasn't had sex in nearly a year, and his son is asleep across the hall, but Buck practically throws him on the bed and sprawls on top of him, finding his lips in a messy kiss.

They hump like teenagers, clothes still on, hands everywhere. Buck is on top of him and his hips are grinding down on Eddie's, and he can feel both their cocks press together, stiff and hard. Buck breaks the kiss long enough to snatch the picture from the bedside table and hold it up so Eddie can see it, and he says breathlessly, "As soon as I saw this, I knew for sure," and as Eddie flushes with embarrassment he adds, "You could've had me from day one," and that makes Eddie groan with the want of it all.

Their breathing quickens, turns shallow. They roll over on the bed, Eddie on top, leaving a trail of kisses across Buck's face, paying particular attention to the birthmark above his eye as Buck grabs his hips and gasps beneath him. He finds Buck's lips again, and it's hot and urgent, and Eddie is keenly aware that he's never been with a man and that it's so completely different to anything he's ever done before, and suddenly he feels out of his depth and anxious about it all, but Buck's hands slide up his sides, tugging his shirt up and over his head. Eddie tosses it on the floor and kisses Buck again, wanting to savour every second, but suddenly he's being flipped again, onto his back, and Buck covers him with his body, kicks his legs apart and rolls their hips together.

Eddie throws his head back against the pillows, mouth open. He grabs a fistful of Buck's shirt and tries to tug it over his head, and Buck quickly shucks it off, pushing Eddie's hands up and over his head and finding his mouth again in an open, wanton kiss. They're thrusting against each other, dry humping, and when Buck releases one of his hands and slides it into his pants, wrapping it around his cock, Eddie gasps, because he's so fucking close and it's not going to take much than a few strokes to get him there. He comes, arching his back, Buck lets out a moan and follows after another hard thrust, shuddering against him.

They're breathing raggedly, sweaty, and after a moment Eddie's brain clears and he realises they need to clean themselves up, but Buck's kissing him again sweetly, and he holds off for a minute or two, savouring it. And then Buck is pulling away, reaching for the tissues on the nightstand, and he sets about cleaning them both up with efficiency. He tosses the soiled tissues aside and flops down beside Eddie, letting out a breath.

"God, I needed that," he said, and Eddie can't help but grin stupidly at him. "Fuck, Eds. That was amazing."

Eddie leans in to kiss him impulsively – he can do that now, because Buck's finally in his bed, home with him where he's meant to be. When they part Buck's beaming, gazing at Eddie with wide-eyed wonder. "You really love me? Me? Really?"

"I adore you," Eddie says vehemently.

"I never thought you could. Or would."

"I never knew how," Eddie admits, casting a hand down Buck's chest. "I couldn't admit it to myself."

"They all know," Buck whispers. "That's what Bobby was trying to tell me."

"And me."

"Why are we so dumb?"

Eddie cups Buck's face with both hands and says, "Because we're both terrified of losing each other," he says, and Buck's face contorts. "We've come close, a few times."

"Too many times."

"And I'm still terrified, of what this means for me. For you," he adds. "For Christopher. But I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend. I'm exhausted. I just want you here with me."

"That's why you asked me to move in."

"That, and for your couch."

Buck grins, and the smile is so joyful that Eddie can't help but chuckle at him. "I love you," Buck says, running his thumb along the line of Eddie's eyebrows. "I love you, and Christopher. I love you both so much."

"We love you too," Eddie says, kissing him again. He could hardly believe that it was real; that he'd finally let it happen – that Buck was in here, in his bed, in his arms. He doesn't want to think about what the ramifications might be, with their jobs, with their friends – their friends, who had been trying to get them together for months. They'd be happy about it, Eddie was sure, but… Bobby was going to split them up.

Before things heat up again, Eddie pulls away from Buck and says regretfully, "I better check on Christopher."

"And I'm actually starving," Buck confesses, and they both start laughing. "I'll order us some pizzas."

They roll out of bed, and Eddie changes into a fresh pair of shorts, and tosses Buck a pair as well. Before they can leave the room Buck kisses him again, cupping his face with both hands, and then pulls away to gaze at him, uncharacteristically serious.

"What?" Eddie whispers, suddenly nervous.

"I just can't believe it," Buck says, breaking into a broad smile. "You… said you loved me."

"I've said it before, though," Eddie teases, grabbing Buck by the hip and pulling him in. "And you have too."

"Yeah, but… I never let myself think about this," he says. "About us, like this."

"I thought about it."

"I didn't know you were into guys; and I know nearly everything about you. I know how you like your cereal, and I know where you buy your underwear, and what product you use in your hair, and I know about your life in the army and in El Paso…" he trails off. "But you never told me that."

Eddie cups his cheek. "Let me check on Christopher," he says, because he needs some time to figure out what he's going to say, "and you order us some food, and we'll talk over dinner."

"Okay," Buck agrees, "because I wasn't lying about being absolutely starving. I've had three cookies all day."

"I thought you might've lost your appetite, after all the vomit."

"I did, for a while, but it's back now." Buck kisses Eddie's forehead.

~

Christopher stirs when Eddie checks on him, and he gives him another glass of water. He still doesn't want to eat, and after having his drink he curls up in bed again, Eddie beside him, and drifts back off to sleep. His temperature is normal, and for the most part he seems fine, so Eddie waits until he's slumbering again before wandering out to find Buck, who is returning from the front door with two pizza boxes, a garlic bread balanced on top.

They set the boxes down on the table, open up a couple of beers and sit across from each other, eating in silence. Buck demolishes half the garlic bread before offering it to Eddie, and then starts in on the pepperoni pizza.

"Well, you've really worked up an appetite," Eddie teases him, and Buck gives a greasy grin.

"I was going to stop at McDonald's on the way home this morning," he says, "but you interrupted me. So I'm going to have to do that tomorrow instead."

"For breakfast?" Eddie wrinkles his nose.

"You never had a Big Mac for breakfast after a night shift? Best thing in the world," Buck proclaims. "You should try it. Next night shift."

"If you say so." It sounds decidedly unappetising.

Buck swigs his beer, snatching a napkin off the table to wipe his hands and mouth. "So," he says, appraising Eddie. "What's your deal?"

He says it like they've never met before, and Eddie rolls his eyes, leaning back in his seat. "Are you hitting on me?"

"Yeah, I have been for years now." Buck says this easily, and with a smirk. "Come on. When did you know you were into me?"

"When did you know you were into _me_?" Eddie counters, arching an eyebrow.

"The very first day."

"Oh what, when you were still pining for what's-her-name?" He does not want to say her name.

Buck's eyes light up. "Oh, you mean… _Abby?_ "

Jealousy flares in an instant, and he tries to swallow it back down, but can't keep the scowl from his face. Buck looks positively delighted. "Yeah, her," he retorts. "You weren't into me. You were still wrapped up in her."

"I noticed you. I was threatened by you, remember? I couldn’t work out if I wanted to fight you or fuck you," Buck says matter-of-factly. "Then I cooled off a bit, reminded myself that you're straight – at least, I thought you were – and that was that. I just tried not to think about how insanely attracted I am to you at all times, but I always know where you are, and what you're doing, and sometimes I can tell what mood you're in without even having to look at you. But I never let myself feel it. Not once. I shoved it all down inside."

"That's not like you."

Buck shrugs. "I had to. You were unattainable and I don't hit on straight guys. And you… were straight. Are straight? I don't know."

Eddie has a swig of beer, sets the bottle on the table and reaches for another slice of pizza. "I'm gay," he says, and lets out a breath he didn't even realise he was holding. "I think."

"You told me once you never loved Shannon, and I never understood why."

He lets out a mirthless chuckle. "Look, I grew up in El Paso, Texas, in a conservative family. We went to church every Sunday. The high school I went to wasn't tolerant at all. Being gay was something that other people in other, more liberal parts of the country did, not where I'm from. You were expected to get married and have children. Get a good job. Be a good member of society. Go to church." He looks at Buck, raising his eyebrows slightly. "So I did what was expected of me. I joined the army. I met Shannon. I did my tours of duty, and I had a son. I was faithful to her. I've never cheated on anyone in my life. I've never been with a guy before today; I never let myself think about it as a possibility because it's not who I'm supposed to be."

Buck swallows hard, nodding slightly.

"And then I walk into the 118 and there you are," Eddie mutters, rolling his eyes. "Looking the way you do, acting the way you did that first day… and for the first time in my life I'm away from El Paso. I'm away from my parents. I've got Christopher on my own, and I'm living in a place where being gay is okay. And… I don't know, Buck. I was attracted to you, at first, and then… we became friends. You and Christopher have this special bond, and the last thing I wanted to do was fuck that up. And besides that, you were off pining over… _Abby_ ," he practically spits, ignoring the flare of delight on Buck's face, "and then Shannon came back, and… when she came back, I told myself that I would need to be that guy again. That honourable, respectable guy. Shove all those feelings back down."

"And then she died."

"Yeah, but before that, she told me she knew about me." Eddie folds his arms across his chest. "I don't know how she knew. It was that night that she came here, and you were over. I don't know how she knew. No, actually, I do know, because I replaced her in Christopher's life with you."

"No, you didn't," Buck says gently.

Eddie shrugs. "I did. I let you in. I wanted you here. The one thing I knew about you then, the one thing I was certain of about you, before I know you the way I do now, is that… you're not the kind of person who cuts and runs when things get hard. You would never abandon him. You have never treated him any differently than any other kid, and he worships you for it. And I fell in love with you because of it. You are the only person I trust with Christopher, and she knew it. She knew I would never let her back in the way she wanted, and then… she died. She fucking died, and I was so angry about it, and at myself." He bites off a hunk of pizza and chews, sinking down into his seat, guilt and shame right at the surface again.

Buck moves so he's leaning with both elbows on the table, and rests his head on his hand. "I don't think you need to feel guilty for wanting to protect your kid."

"But she was his mother. I shouldn't have been… afraid for him to spend time with her. I didn't know how little time they had left."

"Eddie," Buck says seriously, "nobody knows how much time they have. You couldn't have known. If she was still alive, things would be different. It takes time for people to heal, you know? And you needed to heal."

"I replaced her with you."

"I don't parent him," Buck points out. "I'm only here for fun. He knows that. He gets away with murder when I'm around."

"You're not only here for fun," Eddie murmurs. "You've become a support system for him. We've become a family, the three of us, and I didn't even realise it was happening. That's why I wanted you to move in, you know… not to save money. Just so you're here, with us. Where you belong. And I didn't even really give you a choice."

Buck smiles slowly. "Eds, if the choice is being alone, or being here with you guys, I know which one I'm going to pick, every time. You said that stuff to me, that you ask too much of me – you know I don't have anyone else, right? Maddie has Chimney. I don't have any other friends outside of the 118. You guys have been my whole world for two years now, and when we're apart… I'm miserable. You saw how miserable I was, right?"

"I should've been there for that, instead of having my head up my ass," Eddie mutters. "I should've known you were struggling."

"It's okay. You had other shit going on."

"Lena knew," he says quietly. "She knew how I felt about you. She used to tease me about it."

Buck sits back, tipping the last of his beer down his throat. "Personally, I never liked her," he says arrogantly.

"Jealous."

"You are. All I have to do is say Abby's name and you get all tense," Buck points out, and sure enough Eddie's grimacing again. "God, I should've picked up on this months ago. I just never let myself think about it. It's the hope, you know? That's what kills me. So I just never let myself have hope." Buck pauses, and is about to speak again when Christopher's voice sounds from the hall.

"Daddy?"

Eddie's up, pressing a quick kiss to Buck's forehead before hurrying down to Christopher's room. "Hey mijo," he says, flicking the light on. "Are you okay?"

"What are you laughing about?" Christopher asks, blinking up at him. "I can hear you talking."

"We're just having some dinner," Eddie says. "You want to come join us?"

Christopher nods, holding his arms out. Eddie picks him up, carrying him out to the table, where Buck is tidying up.

"Hey," Buck greets him. "You look a lot better, buddy."

"You guys had pizza," Christopher complains. "Can I have some?"

"No, not after being so sick today," Eddie replies, setting Christopher down on the floor. "But I can make you some toast, or a grilled cheese."

"Grilled cheese."

"Okay. Why don't you and Buck go and watch some TV, and I'll bring it out for you?"

"Okay," Christopher agrees, and starts out to the living room.

Buck joins him, sprawling out on the floor, flipping through the channels. "Spongebob?"

Eddie glances over, watching as Christopher settles in beside Buck, right where he belongs. Suddenly emotional, Eddie forces himself to focus on making dinner – one grilled cheese for Christopher and an extra for Buck, so he wouldn't steal any – and joins them in the living room.

Buck turns the volume down slightly, as Christopher sits up to eat his dinner. "Is that for me?" he asks, eyes lighting up when Eddie produces the second sandwich.

"It sure is, buddy," Eddie teases, "because you never met a grilled cheese you didn't like."

"I think it's my favourite food. Thank you." Buck's grinning at him, eyes sparkling, and Eddie wants to kiss him again.

With Christopher distracted by food and the television, Eddie asks, trying to keep it cryptic, "When did you know, for sure?"

"When I saw the book and the photo. Today."

"You had no idea before then?"

"Not definitively. I thought you might, but I wouldn't have asked you or made the first move." Buck is on his side, head propped up with his hand. Eddie is his mirror image, and Christopher is sitting between them, plate on his lap, focused on the TV.

"Why not?" Eddie asks him.

"Scared. Of losing this."

"Us."

"Yes. I already nearly lost you; not planning on doing it again."

Eddie shakes his head. "Gonna take a lot more than that, Buckley."

Buck grins. "Did you ever tell anyone?"

"Hen. And Bobby."

"And that's why Hen asked me about it at the bar. She was asking for you."

"Not in the way I wanted her to."

"And before that, you didn't know that I… I'm equal opportunity."

"No."

"And you've just been waiting for the right person."

"Yes," Eddie agrees. "I've been waiting for you forever."

"You should get married," Christopher giggles.

They both laugh, but then they exchange a look, and Eddie thinks, yeah, that's a good idea. Maybe they'll do that.

~~

"We keep it quiet," Eddie says. They're driving to work together, even though they know that it will look suspicious, but Buck has a beyond genius plan.

"Yep," Buck agrees, trying to sound confident. He can tell that Eddie is quietly freaking out, so he reaches across the squeeze his knee. "Nothing's changed. We can do this."

"Everything has changed though," Eddie murmurs. "Are you going to be able to keep your hands off me?"

"Never could before, Eds," Buck retorts, and Eddie relaxes enough to grin. "Come on. It'll be okay."

"Will you at least tell me your grand plan?"

"My grand plan isn't that grand," Buck says, just to curb Eddie's anticipation of his delicious scheme somewhat. "It's a fudging of the truth."

Eddie glances at him, brows knitted together. "Sounds like they'll be suspicious."

"Just leave it to me," Buck says confidently. "I got this."

As soon as they arrive at the station and hop out of the car together, eagle-eyed Chimney spots them and lights up with glee and mischief. "Carpooling?" he asks, slinging his bag over his shoulder. "You guys already moved in together?"

"Not yet," Buck replies, grabbing his bag from the backseat. "In a couple of weeks."

"You still going through with that?"

"Yeah, living in LA is expensive," Buck says, as if Chimney has asked the dumbest question in the world.

Chimney looks entirely unconvinced. "So you're going to live together," he says, raising his eyebrows, "and work together, and carpool together?"

"Saving on rent and petrol, and also, if you think about it – saving the environment as well," Buck points out. "In a way, you could say that my moving in with Eddie is a truly selfless act."

Eddie shakes his head, trying not to laugh, and pushes past them to stride into the station. Chimney has an incredulous look on his face. "It won't last," he says to Buck. "You'll drive him nuts."

"I haven't driven him nuts yet. He loves it. Keeps him on his toes." Buck slaps Chimney's shoulder, veering off to follow Eddie into the locker rooms.

"But why the carpooling, though?" Chimney demands as he pursues them determinedly.

"Well, it's a funny story," Buck says. "Yesterday morning after I worked my 24-hour shift – you heard about that, right, how I did that?"

"Oh, you're so selfless, Buck, thank you for pointing that out to us again."

Buck grins, opening his locker. "Well, Eddie here calls me in a panic, a blind panic—"

"I did not," comes Eddie's grumbled response.

"Because he had that scuba course yesterday morning that he'd completely forgotten about, and someone needed to pick up Christopher. So, I rose to the challenge."

"Oh I bet you did," Chimney scoffs. "What'd you do, stuff him full of pancakes and waffles and everything that Eddie doesn't let him eat?"

"Well, that was the plan," Buck replies, as the door opens again, and Hen joins them. "But as soon as I got him home, he projectile vomited all over me."

"I don't know why, but somehow, I feel you deserved that," Chimney says, and laughs when Buck flicks his belt at him. They pretend to challenge each other, eyebrows raised, and when Buck whips the belt at him again, Chimney dodges it easily.

"No rough-housing in the locker room," Eddie warns.

"All right, _Dad_ ," Chimney teases. "So he was sick, huh? He's okay now?"

"He's fine," Eddie replies. "Buck did a great job. There was a stomach bug going around his school; I'm pretty sure that was it. He's back to normal today but I've given him an extra day off, just in case."

"So Buckaroo really stepped up to the plate here, huh?" Hen asks, her eyes twinkling. "How cute. Man, I wish there was security camera footage of you being barfed on."

"Actually," Buck says, as he buttons up his shirt, "I do too. The force of it was really impressive, especially for such a little dude. And I would've enjoyed putting it in slow-mo so you could really see the look of pure horror on my face when it _just kept coming_."

They're all groaning, but Buck's grinning, wondering if he should push it further when the sirens start to blare. They snap to reality instantly, and Buck hurriedly finishes dressing and rushes to climb into the truck. He straps in beside Eddie, putting his headphones on, and the first thing Chimney says is, "So why the carpooling though?"

Buck barks out a laugh. "That's what you're focused on? I saved Christopher's life, again."

"Okay, he was in no real danger of dying," Eddie interrupts. "Calm down."

"Christopher's unwell?" Bobby asks from the front seat, turning around to look at them.

"Just a stomach bug, Cap," Eddie replies. "It unfortunately happened while Buck was baby-sitting, so now he thinks he deserves a medal."

"I do," Buck agrees. "I will take one."

"You didn't even do any of the clean-up, you know. I had to do that. I should get the damn medal."

"Well, after a long day of saving your son's life—"

Everyone groans, even Bobby from the front. Eddie punches Buck lightly in the shoulder and says affectionately, "Cut it out, idiot. When I got home after the course, you were snoring so loudly I'm surprised Christopher was able to get any rest at all."

They all start laughing again. Eddie's clearly relaxed, his eyes twinkling, but Buck never had any concerns that he wouldn't be able to throw them off the scent.

Except Chimney, again, asks, "But why did you carpool today?"

Now everyone is looking at them expectantly, and even Bobby turns around, his eyebrows raised.

Buck explains, "Because Eddie took my car to the beach yesterday, filled it with sand and the tank is nearly empty. So he's got to sort that out for me after our shift."

"Why did he take your car to the beach?" Chimney asks, wrinkling his nose, but Hen says knowingly, "The car seat, right? You had to swap cars."

Buck gives her a thumbs up. "See, Hen, this is why you're the brains of the team."

She smiles warmly at him. "It was good of you to look after Christopher yesterday. You must've been exhausted."

Buck shrugs. "I'd do anything for that kid. You know me, I walked around the city after the tsunami searching for him. A little vomit is nothing."

Eddie catches his eye then, the hint of a smile playing on his lips, but the truck pulls to a stop at the scene of a traffic accident and they all leap out to go to work.

~~

They're out most of the day, responding to calls. Eddie is able to throw himself into work and forget about everything else for a while. Buck's the same way – when they're at work, that's it. He's not distracted; they're both focused on what they're doing. Eddie has never been ruled by his emotions and he's not going to start now, so when they're rappelling down a cliff face to save a woman trapped in her car and Buck slips on loose stones and drops a couple of feet, he doesn't even really think about what that means for _him._ He calls out for them to stop lowering, waits for Buck to collect himself, and then continues.

"Nice work," Bobby says to them, once they're back on flat ground. "Nice teamwork there."

Buck glows with the praise.

Eddie punches his shoulder lightly and wanders over to the truck, stripping the gloves off his hands.

Someone calls for Buck and he jogs off, and that's when Eddie realises that Bobby is standing beside him. "Things have changed," Bobby says quietly. "I can tell."

"Nothing—"

"Eddie, you and I both know that he's terrible at hiding it. He walked in here today on cloud nine. Everyone can see it."

Eddie clears his throat, shaking his head. "Nothing's changed."

Bobby doesn't buy it. "He's not usually _this_ happy," he points out. "Look. We talked about this. I know how you feel about him. I just want you to be honest with me."

"And if I tell you something has happened, you'll split us up. And neither one of us has been compromised from doing our job today, have we?"

"So you are together."

"I didn't say that."

There's a moment where they're standing off against each other. Eddie's chin is tilted up defiantly, and Bobby has both arms folded across his chest, and it is at that moment that Buck bounds up to them with a big grin that fades once he realises what he's walked into.

Bobby gives Buck a sidelong glance. "Why are you so happy today?" he asks.

Buck, unable to keep a poker face, instantly starts sweating. "Well, you know, I like coming to work, just sort of woke up in a good mood, had a good breakfast, that kind of thing—"

Bobby gestures to Buck as if to say, ' _See?_ '

"He's always happy," Eddie says with a shrug. "Proves nothing."

"Eddie."

"Bobby, everything is normal," Buck says in a rush, and when Eddie shoots him a warning look, he closes his mouth and takes a step back.

"Do I have to reprimand you? Are you actually going to make me reprimand you?" Bobby asks Eddie.

"For what?"

"For carrying on in a relationship with your co-worker—"

"We're not," Eddie says again. "You have no proof."

Bobby gestures to Buck again. "He's my proof. If I start questioning him, he'll fall apart."

"Then do it," Eddie replies, folding his arms across his chest, shooting Buck a warning look.

Buck is sweating profusely.

"You know I don't want to do this, right?" Bobby asks unhappily. "You know I have to do this. I'm your captain."

Eddie shrugs. "You're also our friend."

"My responsibility is to the team."

"So is ours."

"You two are compromised."

"He nearly fell down the side of a mountain half an hour ago and I had no reaction," Eddie counters, as Bobby rubs the bridge of his nose. "Did I?"

"It's not you I'm worried about, and you know that," Bobby mutters, and this time, they both turn to Buck, whose eyes are wide. "Look, Eddie – you aren't the one who has trouble controlling your emotions in the field."

"Hey," Buck practically snaps. "You're talking about me as if I'm not here. Don't I get a say?"

"Of course you do, unless you're happy for Eddie to continue speaking for you," Bobby says dryly.

At that, Eddie clenches his teeth.

"What I'm getting from this is that neither of you think I'm a professional," Buck says bluntly. "And that neither of you trust that I can do my job, professionally."

Eddie doesn't respond, but Bobby says, "Buck, that's not what we're saying."

"You're saying that I let my emotions get in the way and you both know that's not true, not when I'm at work. I've had a gun pointed at me, I've been in burning houses, I've been through a tsunami – you're acting like I'm made of glass or something," he says bitterly. "That if Eddie trips and falls, I'm going to freak out. This is really fucking insulting."

Hen and Chimney round the side of the fire truck and stop abruptly.

"Buck, I didn't mean to insult you," Bobby says sharply.

"You, more than anyone, know how hard this year has been for me," Buck says. His hands are on his hips, but he's unusually calm. "You know how depressed I was."

It's the first time he has ever used the word ' _depressed_ ', and Eddie's eyes flick to him with concern.

"I know," Bobby says, on the back foot, trying to placate him.

"Getting my job back was the number one, most important thing to me. How stupid do you think I'd have to be to jeopardise my tenuous standing here in any way?"

"Tenuous," Hen repeats in shock, and then covers her mouth.

Buck shrugs. "Yeah, tenuous. It was made pretty clear to me that you guys weren't too concerned about whether I'd make it back or not, and now you're wanting us to admit that we're a couple so you can split us up, right? Finally get me out of here?"

"Buck," Bobby says, aghast. "That's not what this is about."

"Kinda seems like it, considering we've done nothing wrong."

Even Eddie is shocked – how did he miss this? Has Buck been harbouring these secret feelings all along?

"Evan," Bobby says angrily, "I thought we were past this. We all made mistakes."

"No, my mistake was getting crushed under the ladder truck," Buck says flatly. "Your mistake was treating me like I'm a child."

"This isn't about that!" Bobby suddenly snaps. "I know what you're doing, and you can cut it out. Stop trying to twist things around to get me on the back foot. I see what's going on here – I'm not stupid. We're not stupid," he adds, gesturing to Chimney and Hen. "And you know I'm right, and you acting like a brat could get someone killed."

Buck folds his arms across his chest. "Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence, Cap." With that he stalks off, around the other side of the truck.

Bobby turns to Eddie, who is feeling just as lost. "Yeah, I… I don't know," he says numbly. "I don't know."

"You know I’m going to have to write him up for that," Bobby says to him.

"Jesus Christ, I'm not his keeper. He can go off on you if he wants. Can you guys just back off?" Eddie gives them all a warning look. "I get it. I know you're concerned, but we are okay. I promise."

"He doesn't really seem okay to me," Bobby replies, making a move as if to follow Buck.

Eddie blocks him. "Please, just give him a minute to cool off before he really says something he regrets," he says. "Because you know as well as I do that he's probably going to charge around here in a second to apologise profusely."

And sure enough, Buck does reappear a few minutes later, stripping out of his gloves. He makes no attempt to apologise to Bobby or speak, or to even meet Eddie's eyes. So he's feeling guilty, Eddie realises, but mad enough not to apologise about it.

But Bobby's there, arms folded across his chest, waiting, and when Buck finally lifts his head and looks over at him, he asks, "Have you cooled off?"

Hen and Chimney have left with the ambulance, so it's just the three of them, standing on the windy hilltop alongside the ladder truck.

Buck says, "I get what you're saying. I shouldn't have brought that stuff up."

"I thought we were past that." Bobby's voice is unexpectedly gentle. "Listen. Without going over old ground again, we are all aware that we let you down, and that we were perhaps… not as supportive of you during that time as we should have been. And I know that you and Eddie were estranged as well, which couldn't have been easy."

Eddie glances at Buck, concerned to find him staring at the ground.

"Look, guys. As your captain, and as your friend, I do need to know," Bobby says, almost pleadingly. "We can stand here and go around in circles all day, and you can refuse to tell me the thing that I already know, or you can just be honest with me. I'm not going to split you up. We're going to figure this out."

Eddie needs Buck to meet his eyes before he'll confirm anything, but Buck is still steadfastly avoiding eye contact. So Eddie says, "Can you please give us a moment to talk, alone?"

Bobby sighs, shrugs, and wanders around the other side of the truck.

"What's going on?" Eddie asks Buck, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Where did that come from?"

"Honestly, I was trying to deflect, but then I just got so angry." Buck's still not looking at him.

"Look at me," Eddie whispers, and Buck finally does, a haunted expression on his face. "Listen. If he wants to split us up, it won't be you that leaves the team. I will."

"Eds—"

"You need them more than I do," Eddie says gently. "All I need is you and Christopher."

"It's not about me needing them more than you do. I need _you_ ," Buck says urgently. "I finally have a partner I can trust. Hen and Chimney were paired up from day one, and Bobby is the captain, and until you came, I was alone. To be able to work with you; to do the things we do; to have total trust? That's why I love this job. I love working with _you._ "

Eddie nods. "I know. I get it."

"So we're totally fucked, because he doesn't trust me. And by now he never will."

"He's thinking worst case scenario," Eddie points out. "If the truck bomb happened to me, instead of you. If I knew where you actually were during the tsunami, instead of thinking that you were at your apartment - do you think I would've been any good at all in the field if I'd known you and Christopher were out there in the thick of it?"

"Honestly, I was kinda hoping you'd turn up in a boat and rescue us." Buck relaxes a bit, rolling his shoulders.

"So are we going to come clean?" Eddie asks him, squeezing his shoulder lightly.

"If we do, this could be the last day we work together," Buck whispers, screwing his face up.

"He's not going to split us up."

"You don't know that," Buck mutters.

Eddie uses his thumb to push Buck's chin up, forcing eye contact, and says, "The reason he's so freaked out about this is because he doesn't want to split us up, and he's going to have to figure out a way to hide it. He's going to cover for us."

"You don't know that," Buck says again, but he's faltering for the first time.

"I know him pretty well," Eddie says seriously. "And you do too."

"Buck, Eddie," Bobby says from behind them, and they break apart, turning to face him. "What's it going to be?"

There's a pause, and then Buck clears his throat. "Yeah," he says. "We're together now, and I'm moving in. We're a couple."

Bobby relents a bit, nodding slowly, rubbing the back of his neck. "Okay. Let me see what I can do. For now, nothing changes, but Buck, listen to me very seriously. Eddie's able to compartmentalise; you're not. We all know that. You get one chance to prove me wrong. If you screw up, I'll have to split you up."

Buck looks utterly crestfallen, and he says quietly, "I can't believe you don't trust me to do my job."

"It's because I know how you are when you love someone," Bobby replies. "I saw you chase off after Maddie and nearly get yourself arrested."

"This is different," Buck replies, straightening his spine.

"Is it?"

"Eddie's not Maddie," he replies. "Eddie hasn't been kidnapped by his psycho ex. When we're at work, we're professional. I won't let you down."

"I hope not. And I'll expect an apology later on," Bobby adds, stabbing a finger at him. "All right?"

Buck nods. "All right."

~

That night, back at Eddie's house, with Christopher asleep, Buck cracks. "He just doesn't trust that I can do this job," he complains, shedding his clothes at Eddie's bedside. "He thinks I'm going to get you killed."

"No, he thinks you're going to get yourself killed," Eddie corrects, already sprawled out in bed, freshly showered.

Buck gives him a wounded look. "Do you think I will?"

"No."

"Truthfully."

"No," Eddie says again. "Not when you have so much to lose."

"You and Christopher."

"Yeah, us. Christopher wants us to get _married_ , Buck. So no, I don't think you're going to throw your life away, because… we've waited too long for this. Haven't we been through enough? You got crushed by a truck, then a blood clot, and then I nearly lost you and Christopher in a fucking tsunami… and everything else," he adds, as Buck crawls into bed beside him. "You and me, we're a good team. A great team. He knows that; that's why he doesn't want to break us up."

Buck turns on his side so he's facing Eddie, propping his head up with his hand. "Yeah. But you do hide your feelings better than me."

"It's army training, Buck… you just keep it all inside."

"Until you can't anymore, and then you're telling your best friend that you love him."

"I seem to recall that said best friend pretty much blurted out the exact same thing at the exact same time," Eddie replies, poking Buck in the chest.

"I was going to tell you anyway," Buck protests, and Eddie laughs. "No, I was."

"And why were you going to suddenly do that?"

"Because… of that photo," Buck says. "And the book on your nightstand about coming out."

Eddie blushes, and buries his face in the pillow. "Hen put that in my bag one day."

Buck lets out a breathy laugh. "That figures. Honestly, Eds, we were at the tipping point and one of us was going to have to be brave, and if you faltered again, I was going to do it. Sometimes with you, I've done the cowardly thing. Like not telling you how angry I was about everything. Not talking to you. I would just get so scared that I loved you too much, and that I was going to push you away."

Eddie lifts his head again slowly, eyes trained on Buck.

"And… then I pushed you away, and you were so angry at me. And I thought, well, I've done it, I screwed up the best thing in my life. But then you forgave me and let me back in, and I… I swore to myself that I'd never screw up that badly again."

"Buck—"

"No, let me finish," Buck says, clearly struggling to speak. "I don't know how else to say it. I'm so scared of being left behind. Abby left me. Every girl I've ever dated has dumped me. My parents don't want me, and even Maddie left. And then they were so quick to replace me when I was injured. I just feel like… there's something wrong with me. Like I am not worthy enough to be a part of a family."

"Evan," Eddie says quietly, and Buck looks at him with tearful eyes. "Even when we weren't talking, you were still part of my family. I was just mad. It wasn't all about you."

"But some of it was."

"Some, yeah. Not all." Eddie reaches out to cup Buck's cheek with his hand. "You are so hard on yourself. You're harder on yourself than anyone I've ever met."

"I feel like I latched onto you and Christopher. Like I didn't give you a chance to find anyone else." Buck is whispering, his eyes trained on Eddie's face. "Like you wouldn't have picked me if you had a chance. Like I'm, like, a parasite. I don't know."

Eddie feels his heart crack in two, and he slides across the bed, so they're pressed together, and says, very quietly and seriously, "We chose each other."

"But…"

"No buts. It was meant to be."

"You really believe that?"

"Yeah, I'm secretly very romantic," Eddie says softly, and Buck's eyes light up. "I didn't go through all the shit I've gone through in my life not to find my happy ending. You really think you're a parasite, Buck? You don't see how happy you make Christopher? How happy you make _me_? It was never you asking to come over; it's always been me, asking, insisting. Wanting more. Wanting you to sleep over. Wanting you here. Wanting you to move in. Don't you see that? If anyone is a damn parasite, it's me. Not you."

"I thought you were just being nice, because… you were taking pity on me," Buck mumbles.

"The only time I ever take pity on you is when you lose at video games," Eddie replies honestly, and Buck manages a laugh. "Come on. Come _on._ We're doing this. You and me."

"Boy…friends?"

"Ugh," Eddie says, wrinkling his nose, and Buck laughs. "That just seems wrong somehow."

"Well, I don't know, what else would you call us? Lovers?"

Eddie grimaces.

Buck sighs. "Fuck buddies?"

"No, as if."

"I'm running out of options here," Buck protests. "I don't know. I don't know! Best friends plus something more?"

"Partners," Eddie says, and shrugs. "We're partners."

"Yeah but that can mean so many things."

"That's why it's so perfect." Eddie kisses him, pulls away, groans and then kisses him again, still in awe that they're actually doing this. When they part again, he rolls over to check that he set his alarm. "Tomorrow Christopher has a doctor's appointment, so I'll be late. Bobby knows about it."

"What doctor's appointment?"

"Check-up and a flu shot. Remember?"

"Oh, right." Buck rolls onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. "When is our day off?"

"Next Thursday, I think. Why?"

"We could go to the beach again."

Eddie checks the schedule on his phone, and then says, "Or Chris can spend the day with Abuela and you and I can spend the day at your apartment, alone, without distractions."

Buck points at him. "That."

"I thought you'd like that." Eddie sets the phone down and flicks the light off, scooting back over to Buck's side. "And I'm beat. Long day."

"I know, me too." Buck's arms encircle his shoulders.

"We can get up early and take a shower together."

Buck chuckles, deep in his throat. "Okay. Good deal. I'd like to see you all naked and soapy."

"I feel like you're gonna be sex starved," Eddie whispers. "Chris is just down the hall. I feel weird about it."

"Don't. I get it. I'm not pushing you, am I?" Buck sounds concerned, and Eddie turns so he's on his side, and buries his face in Buck's neck.

"No."

"Then don't worry about it," Buck whispers, pressing a kiss to Eddie's head. "We have plenty of time."

~~


	9. Part B

Two days later, and Eddie's buried under 30 feet of mud.

When the dust settles and Buck realises that Eddie's gone, he loses his mind, and it's only Bobby dragging him back from the brink that forces him to snap out of it; to get back into problem solving mode. But his heart, his heart is pounding in his chest, and he is filled with panic.

When they look at him, like they think Eddie's dead, that panic is replaced with pure, white-hot anger. He can barely think straight; wants to scream at them that they're giving up on him, but he tries to think like Eddie – to be like Eddie, for once in his damn life, and swallows it.

He's numb when Bobby briefs them about the grid search – he's listening, but not really taking it in, his eyes trained on the sodden earth beneath his feet. Eddie's down there, somewhere, if he's still alive. That morning Eddie was in his arms, safe and warm, and now he's… down there. Alone. And Buck can't believe it might almost be over, when they were only just beginning. How can it be over so soon?

And then Eddie appears, bedraggled, soaking wet, eyes rimmed with red and his skin whiter than Buck has ever seen him. Buck is so damn relieved to see him that all he can do is smile in disbelief, and all Eddie does is laugh.

~

At the hospital, Bobby takes Buck aside and says, "You lost it for a minute there."

Buck grits his teeth, turning his head to the side.

"You know you did."

"I pulled it together."

"You tried digging him out with your hands," Bobby hisses, and grabs Buck's left hand – the glove had ripped, and one of his fingernails was torn and bloody. "Buck."

"I didn't do anything stupid," Buck argues. They're speaking in low, angry voices, off to the side, but all eyes are on them. "You can't reprimand me. I had moment, but I got it back together."

"If you break down every single time he's in danger—"

"He was _trapped_ _under_ _30 feet of mud and debris_ , _"_ Buck hisses. "This wasn't him being in danger; this was him on the brink of death."

"Cap," Chimney calls, as Eddie shuffles slowly into the room.

Bobby glances over, but while they're all distracted, and before Buck can leave, and while Eddie's arms are wrapped around his son, he drags Buck further away, around a corner and says bluntly, "Do I have to give you a lecture on respecting me as your captain?"

Buck is rigid, staring at the floor. "No."

"You questioned me tonight."

"You were giving up on him."

"At no point was I giving up on him," Bobby argues.

"You delayed it so long that he had to save himself."

"He had no choice but to save himself, Buck. We wouldn't have gotten to him in time. You know that," Bobby says urgently. "He was going to die. You scrabbling at the ground with your hands wouldn't have changed the outcome."

Buck wants to shove him away, but instead he maintains his composure and says, "I won't question you again." _Because I'll save him myself next time._

Bobby eyes him, unconvinced. "Buck."

"I waited my whole life for this," Buck says before he can stop himself. "For him. For Christopher. I nearly lost it all tonight."

"You guys have only just started dating—"

"It's not dating, Bobby, and you know it," he says, voice hoarse. "It's not just dating. It's more than that."

"Then I need to separate you."

"I don't care. He's the most important thing in my life. I can't keep screwing up; I can't keep feeling like shit all the time. I need him, and he loves me, so I'll put him first, over my job, and fuck the consequences." Buck stomps out to the waiting room, where Eddie and Christopher are seated on chairs near the door, waiting for him. "Hey, guys. Are we going home? Where is everyone?"

"They had to leave," Eddie says, standing painfully. "I told Carla to take off. Where's Cap?"

"Here," Bobby says, following Buck out to the waiting room. "Good to see you up and about, Diaz."

"Thanks," Eddie replies. He looks exhausted, one arm draped around Christopher. "Gonna sleep well tonight."

~~

He sleeps in fits, off and on, tossing and turning all night.

In the early morning he and Buck lie together in bed. Buck has his head on Eddie's shoulder, lying half on top of him, a heavy warm weight that fills him with comfort. He just wants to be warm. He doesn't think the cold will ever leave his bones.

They kiss, on and off. Occasionally Buck will drift off to sleep, but if Eddie moves he's awake again, alert, checking to make sure he's okay, fingers skimming over his face with the lightest of touches. Like Eddie is something precious.

"We need to do something," Eddie murmurs, as the sun peeks in through the blinds. "If I die."

"Can we not—"

"For Christopher. For you to be with Christopher. I kept thinking about him, and you. We need to figure out what we're gonna do. This is it for me, Buck, this isn't dating… this isn't a fling, this isn't a one-night stand. I wouldn't have let you into my life if it was."

"I know." Buck's hugging him close.

"We need to decide about the future. What we're gonna do." Eddie swallows hard, closing his eyes. "Talk to Bobby. Figure it out. Tell me if I'm asking too much."

"You're not."

"So move in. Just move your stuff in. Let's do that. Tell my family that we're together, so they know. If something happens, they won't cut you out. Christopher needs one of us. Fuck, I almost died tonight. I almost died." He says it like he can't really believe it, even though he's come close before. "I nearly… left him without his dad. I can't do that again."

"Then let me do the risky stuff—" Buck begins, but Eddie silences him with a kiss.

"No," he says firmly. "Sorry. We're partners. We work together. You can't stop me from doing something because of Chris."

Buck sits up, and the covers pool around his waist. He's shirtless, but Eddie is wearing sweatpants and a warm jumper, still chilled to the bone. He reaches out to touch the tattoo on Buck's chest lightly, tracing the familiar shape. He can see that Buck is wrestling with his emotions, but before he can say something, Buck says, "I fucked up. With Bobby."

Eddie closes his eyes.

"I was… panicking. For a second. I got it together. It was enough, though. He doesn't think I can do this, with you." Buck grasps Eddie's hand and kisses his knuckles.

"Then we have to prove him wrong. Or he is going to separate us. And maybe he should, I don't know. I don't know."

"He says I can't control my emotions the way you can." Buck looks as vulnerable as Eddie has ever seen him.

"That's why I fell in love with you," Eddie says, and Buck's eyebrows arch up. "You're emotional. I like that. It's better than being like me. So afraid to open up to anyone. It's not fun, Buck. I'm tired of it. I just want to be happy."

"Then I must exhaust you," Buck says, filled with self-doubt.

Eddie sits up, leans against the wall and pulls Buck in so he's almost sitting on his lap. "You know what's exhausting? Pretending to be something you're not. You never do that. You are just you, and I love you for it."

"Pretending to be straight," Buck guesses, glancing up at him.

"Yeah. And working at a station with Hen, who is out and proud. And meeting Michael, who found the courage to come out as well… yeah, being surrounded by those brave people has made me feel worse about myself than anything else. Because I know there's nothing wrong with it – I know that." Eddie casts his fingers through Buck's hair. "I thought by coming to LA that I could rebuild myself, make a good life here for Chris, make my parents proud. Keep pushing it down. Keep getting by. And then I walk into the 118 and there you are, and my plans were all shot to shit the second we met." He presses the ghost of a kiss to Buck's forehead. "So no, you don't exhaust me. Being around you makes me happy. I'd be happy to come to work, to see you. To find out what you'd been up to; what stories you would tell. The way you make everyone laugh, and the way you'd look at me after you said something funny to make sure I was laughing as well. You're always looking at me, Buck. Touching me. Bumping into me. Following me around. I don't even know if you know that you're doing it."

"Making things harder for you."

"No. I loved it. I love it when all your attention is on me. When I'd come in, wearing something different, the way your eyes would light up and you'd point it out. If I got a haircut, you're the first one to say something. Most days you're the first person to text me and the last person as well. Some nights I'd wake up and check my phone and find a Snapchat from you. Do you have any idea how much your friendship meant to me? That there were no strings attached and you just liked me for me, and you loved my kid? Some people don't like Christopher, you know. They don't want to be around him. You just made him your best friend from day one and he adores you for it."

"I love him," Buck whispers.

"I know you do. And that night, that night Shannon came over. A few weeks before she died. She told me I'd replaced her with you, and I said I hadn't, but I did, Buck… I still feel guilty about it. I let you spend more time with Christopher than his own mother and she _died._ And now I'm replacing her even more, with you, moving you in… and I worry that he's not going to remember her. For all of her flaws, she loved him."

"Then we make it so he doesn't forget," Buck says, looking up at him. "With pictures, and videos of her. I'm not a replacement. I'm just… a bonus."

"And this is what I love about you," Eddie says, kissing the top of his head. "Because you just try to figure out a solution."

"I'd do anything for you." Buck looks up at him. "It took me a long time to figure it out. That night at the bar, when I told you that I was bi… you looked so betrayed. I never understood why."

"Have I mentioned to you that I'm also ridiculously possessive?" Eddie murmurs, and Buck lets out a laugh, and then sits up, a look of mischievous delight on his face.

"You _are_ ," he says, stabbing a finger at Eddie. "Taylor Kelly."

At the mere mention of her name, Eddie's face twists into a scowl, and Buck flops backward onto the bed with glee.

"You hated her," he says through giggles. "God, you were so jealous. I couldn't work out why."

"Because I was in love with you, dummy."

"And Ali?"

"Nice girl, not right for you." Eddie moves so he's lying across the bed beside Buck, staring up at the ceiling.

Buck slides one hand into Eddie's hair and says, "Abby," and Eddie's face twists again, this time with disgust. "Oh wow," Buck says, rubbing Eddie's head. "You hate her, and you never even met her."

Eddie mutters, "Yeah, well, the woman destroyed your self- esteem and made you think that the love you have to give is worthless. So no, I don't like her. I hope she's happy in Sweden."

"Ireland."

"Wherever, as long as it's not here."

"Well," Buck says, "I never liked Shannon either."

Eddie whacks him, playfully, and shakes his head. "The feeling was mutual."

"But that doesn't mean I'm not sorry she died. I am sorry. I remember that night she turned up to your house. You looked shattered afterwards. I couldn't work out what she'd said to you to make you say the things you did. Because all I saw, and all I see now, is the greatest guy on earth, the best dad I ever met with the best kid I ever met, and I just think she was crazy to leave you guys behind. Because I never would," he says, rolling onto his side and tapping Eddie's chest with his finger. "You've got me now, man. I ain't leaving."

"Oh you ain't?" Eddie teases. "You ain't leavin'? Well, thank the moon and stars we're moving you in here."

Buck grins at him and says, "Christopher's right, we should get married. Wouldn't that be funny? Bobby would kill me."

"If we walked into the station with matching rings?" Eddie's tone is light, but the thought has been on his mind for a long, long time.

"We'd need to take time off for a honeymoon, and I'm running low on days." Buck sounds rueful. "We could go skiing."

"Christopher—"

"I'll put him on my back."

"I've never been skiing," Eddie admits, and Buck's grin grows even wider.

"How is that possible?" he wonders. "In this day and age?"

"I grew up in Texas and skiing is for rich people," Eddie says dryly, sitting up to check the time. Sunlight is pouring in through cracks in the curtains. "Nearly time to wake Christopher up."

"Give him the day off school."

"No, can't set a bad example."

"I'll call in sick to work," Buck offers, and Eddie glances over at him. "Wouldn't that really piss Bobby off?"

"He'll probably just drive over here and pick you up," Eddie points out. "You'll have to survive without me."

Buck makes a face, and then sits up to reach for his phone. As Eddie is changing out of his clothes, he lets out a whistle and says, "Well, I'm about to make your day. Apparently, Bobby is still pissed at me, because he has suspended me. For one day."

"What?!"

"Yep. Insubordination." Buck throws his phone onto the bed, shaking his head. "He's going to transfer me. I know it."

"What did you say to him? Buck."

"I didn't say anything, but I guess my tone was clear enough." Buck gives him a long look. "I thought they were giving up. And then you appeared. And Bobby's pissed at me."

"Then you should go in and clear things up."

"No, I'm going to have breakfast with you and Chris, and then I'm going to take him to school so you can get some sleep, and then I'm going to come back here and make you feel good all damn day until I go pick him up again," Buck says firmly. "If Bobby's firing me, it can wait until tomorrow. Today I'm all yours."

Eddie's nervous, but excited, and he doesn't think he'll be able to sleep, and just as Buck is about to leave the room for a shower he whispers, "Buck, um, I don't have any condoms."

Buck flashes him a grin and says, "Don't worry. I've got everything we need."

~

They both decide to take Christopher to school, and he is none the wiser as they watch him walk into the building. They're silent in the car on the way home, Buck's hand moving from the gear shift to Eddie's knee every now and then, and once they're back inside the house, and the front door is locked, and the air-conditioning is on, Buck does that thing that Eddie loves to hate and picks him up, pushes him up against the closed door and kisses him lazily.

"Gonna make you feel good," Buck says, dragging his lips across Eddie's cheek. "Going to take my time."

"I want you," Eddie whispers in his ear – he's practically shaking with anticipation; he's never wanted anything so much in his entire life.

"You can have me. All of me."

They stumble down to the bedroom, stripping out of their clothes.

Things slow, for a minute, inside the room, both clad only in their underwear, breathing heavily. Eddie is keenly aware that he has never done this before, and aside from their frantic humping session the first night they've only been kissing and touching since then, and showering together early in the morning before Chris is awake, because they don't want to do anything that might confuse him.

So he reaches out for Buck first, sliding his fingers into the elastic of his underwear and tugging him in. Buck gazes at him like he's the most beautiful thing in the world – he has that _look_ in his eyes that drives Eddie wild, that so-serious-because-he-can't-believe-it's-really-happening look – and Eddie lets out a slow breath and presses his lips to the tattoo on Buck's chest.

And then Buck's hands are on his face and they're kissing again, and his back is against the wall and he almost _died_ , _last night_ , but now he's here in his bedroom with Buck, who is dropping to his knees and oh – oh god.

~~

Eddie's asleep on his side, and Buck can't sleep, because if he does, it'll make the day end quicker. He doesn't want that. He wants to be here, present, with Eddie, and he'll sleep at night. He wanted Eddie to claim him and now he has, and there's a bruise forming on his chest from where Eddie bit him – damn well _bit him_ – and he thinks, maybe if the bruise comes out clearly enough, he'll get it tattooed there. Permanently.

Eddie's been asleep for about an hour, but when he opens his eyes and finds Buck staring at him, he just lets out an amused chuckle and reaches for him. "Sorry. Tired."

"It's okay."

"Time?"

"It's only 12."

"Mmm." Eddie sits up, pressing kisses to Buck's lips and face, down to his neck and chest. "You want a drink and a snack?"

"I am the snack," Buck says, and Eddie groans loudly.

"You didn't."

"I did. But yeah, I'll take an energy bar and then I'm good for round two."

Eddie kisses him again, long and slow, and just as things are heating up again, Buck's phone starts to ring.

"Ignore it," he orders Eddie, who is already pulling away and searching for it. "It's nothing. It's no one important."

"Could be, though. Where is it?"

"In my pants on the floor." Buck leans over and grabs his jeans, pulling the phone out of the pocket. He holds up the screen to show Eddie that it's Bobby and is about to hang up when Eddie snatches the phone from him and answers it.

"Hey, Cap. It's Eddie."

Buck covers his head with a pillow, irritated by the real-world intrusion.

"Yeah, he's here with me. I just got to his phone first. What's up?" Eddie pauses, and then says, "I'm doing okay. No, all good. Sufficiently warmed up. Got Christopher off to school and everything." There's another pause, and then he says, "Yeah, I'll put him on. Thanks."

The pillow is removed from his face and Eddie is there with the phone, pressing it to Buck's ear. He sprawls on top of Buck, chin on his chest, and gazes at him pointedly.

"Cap," Buck finally says, clearing his throat.

"Oh, it's Cap now, is it?" Bobby sounds mildly amused. "I just wanted to call and tell you that this one day of suspension of yours expires at midnight. You'll be in tomorrow; Eddie's got the rest of the week off."

"And then you're moving me to another team."

"I never said that. I haven't decided if you've used up your one and only chance yet. Last night there were… extenuating circumstances. I realise that."

Eddie's eyes are on him. Buck reaches out to run his fingers through his hair and says, "It won't happen again."

"What, Buck? The accident or the way you reacted?"

"The way I reacted. I'm good."

There's a long pause. Eddie mouths, ' _Apologise_ ," so Buck says, "And I'm sorry. I shouldn't have… said those things to you."

"Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow morning."

"See ya, Cap." He hangs up the phone and tosses it onto the floor, mock-glaring at Eddie. "All right, all right. I apologised."

"Good." Eddie leans in to kiss him, and then slides off the bed. "Water and a snack, coming up."

~

When Maddie invites Buck over for lunch on Saturday, he feels guilty for wanting to say no. Eddie and Christopher are spending the day with Abuela and Pepa, and he was hoping to go along, but Eddie gives him a pointed look that tells him all he needs to know, and he accepts Maddie's invitation.

He arrives at her apartment to pick her up, promptly on time – she would appreciate that, he knew – and is surprised when she answers the door and invites him in, with a big smile on her face.

"I thought we were going out," he says quizzically, following her inside.

"I have leftover lasagne that I need you to finish," she says, pulling him in for a hug.

"Ah, so you're using me for my eating ability, I see what's going on here."

"No, I just remembered how much you love my lasagne, so I made a special batch for you," she said, squeezing his cheeks with both hands. "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."

He shrugs and says, "Good deal," and follows her into the kitchen. "Can I help?"

"No, it's all done. Just sit down." Maddie gestures to the dining table, so he takes a seat. "How are you, anyway? Howie told me what happened with Eddie. You must've been terrified."

"Yeah, I was." Buck doesn't really want to talk about it. Both Hen and Chimney have been a little awkward around him, but Eddie is due back to work on Monday and that will take some of the heat off. "Eddie's all good though. Strong as an ox."

Maddie has a strange expression on her face, but she doesn't say anything. She picks up a plate and carries it over the table, setting it down in front of him. There is a huge slab of lasagne with a very small and sad looking salad beside it, but he lowers his head and takes a big whiff and says, "Mmm," before digging in.

Maddie kisses the top of his head and bustles back into the kitchen, returning with her own small serving and a jug of water. "You are such a trash compactor," she says affectionately. "Slow down. You're not in a competition."

"It's just so good. You know, I tried to make it and it did not turn out like this. Eddie wouldn't eat it. He ordered a pizza while it was still in the oven, the bastard."

"You cook for Eddie?"

He shrugs. "Sometimes. If he's tired."

Maddie has the strangest look on her face, a small smile playing on her lips. "And you're living there now."

"Not quite yet; still got to move out. We're going to pack my stuff next week. Eddie's got his eye on my couch; I think I'll sell the rest. The furniture was pretty expensive. Thanks Mom and Dad," he says, rolling his eyes. "You still get five grand a month from them?"

"Yep. Into my savings account." Maddie sips some water, rolling her shoulders. "Sometimes I wonder if it's guilt money. What do you do with it?"

"I put half into savings," he says after swallowing a mouthful of food. "I put the other half into an investment account."

Maddie tilts her head to the side, about to ask him a question, and then stops suddenly, slaps her hand on the table and says, "You know what? Mom rang me. I forgot to tell you. It was so _weird_."

"What'd she want?"

"She saw me on the news. The Doug thing. She told me how they'd seen it on the news and all their friends had commented about how strong and brave I was, and you know what? Not once did she ask if I was okay. Not once. And you know what else? At the end of the conversation I said, Mom, I'm seeing someone. And she asked me what he does, and I said, he's a firefighter, like Evan. And she makes this noise – you know what I'm talking about—"

He did know, remembered it vividly, the clucking of the tongue and the disapproving slant of her lips.

"And she says, Doug was a surgeon, Madeline. I think you could do better than a firefighter." Maddie sets her fork down on the table with disgust. "Typical. Typical Gwendolyn Buckley, right? Image and status above everything else – never mind the fact that Doug tried to murder me, and he nearly killed Howie."

"She is still the worst. The absolute worst."

Maddie nods, and then says, with a self-satisfied smirk, "I hung up on her."

He hoots. "I bet she _hated_ that. Always had to have the last word."

"Not this time. I'm done with toxic people." Maddie lets out a breath. "And you are too."

"Yep, have been for years."

"So what's the investment account for? Are you into stocks and bonds now?" Her tone is light, teasing.

Buck shrugs. "It's for Christopher."

Maddie blinks rapidly. "What?"

"Yeah, after the tsunami… when I almost lost him, I opened it up. I'm thinking he can use it for college. Eddie mentioned once how expensive it was when Christopher had his surgeries, so I thought if something like that happened again, there'd be a pile of cash sitting there to cover it."

She's looking at him with the strangest expression on her face, like she can't quite believe what she's hearing. "Does Eddie know about this?"

He shrugs again. "No."

"Are you going to tell him about it?"

"I guess I probably should." Buck sets his fork down, sitting back in his chair. "I haven't told him a lot. He knows the basics. He doesn't know about the money. Once he asked me how I was able to afford my place and I said that the rent was cheaper than he thinks, and he seemed to accept it."

Maddie nods slowly, twirling her fork in her hands. "Are you going to tell him?"

"I guess I'll have to, now… because we're together." His voice is low, uncertain, but when she groans and says, " _Finally_ ," he relaxes enough to laugh. "Yeah, I guess… I guess it took a while."

"A while? Snails move faster than you two do." Maddie is positively beaming at him. "What brought this on? Who made the first move?"

He doesn't want to go into specifics, so he says, "He did, but only by a second. I wasn't sure how he felt until I had confirmation. I wouldn't have made the first move. I love him too much. Scared of fucking it up, you know. Of losing him and Christopher again."

"That boy has been in love with you for the whole time I've known him," she says bluntly. "Everyone can see it."

"You know my self-esteem is shot to shit." He shovels some food in his mouth. "Anyway, it doesn't matter now. We figured it out. We're moving in together."

"You're practically living there already." Maddie's eyes are twinkling. "You two make one hell of a good-looking couple. You're going to leave a trail of broken-hearted women in your wake."

Buck takes the compliment in his stride – filing it away for later, when he will tell Eddie what she said and they'll both laugh about it – and says, feigning modesty, "Thank you."

Maddie shoves his shoulder lightly. "The team wants to know. You know they do. You're going to have to tell them. I mean, everyone pretty much knows by now, after… Eddie nearly dying and everything."

"I thought Bobby would've told them. He knows."

She shakes her head. "He definitely hasn't said anything – Chimney would've told me if he had, but he and Hen both think you two are together on the sly. They've been watching you at work. Chimney keeps talking about how you have a suspicious spring in your step."

Buck makes a face, chuckling with amusement. "God, I can't even walk without being suspicious. I’m just a happy guy."

"Yeah, very happy at the moment," she says, reaching out to touch his cheek. "You can't stop smiling."

"Can you blame me? I'm so in love with him, Maddie, you have no idea. And he loves me too." He's still so amazed by that very simple fact that when he thinks about it, his skin breaks out in goosebumps. "He loves me. He wants me to move in. He wants me there with him. He never gets annoyed by me, you know? I don't tire him out. He just looks at me and gives me that little smile and fuck, I've been in love with him for years and I can't believe it's finally happening. He said it first, you know? I've never been so happy in my entire life." He set his fork down on the table, shaking his head again in disbelief. "I never thought this could happen to me."

"I knew it would," she says. "I just didn't know when."

"Nobody has ever wanted me, Mads, but he does. He wants me. Christopher wants us to get _married._ I can't fuck this up."

"I want you," she says, her dark eyes filling with tears. "I always wanted you."

"Yeah, I know, but that's… different. You practically raised me. You're the only reason I turned out somewhat normal." Buck rubs his lips, lost in thought. "I used to be so angry, all the time. Because of… Mom and Dad. You know what it feels like to be told that you're not good enough."

Maddie, blinking back tears, gives a small nod.

"And then… and then I just decided that if they were gonna be like that, then I wasn't," he says. "That I was going to be different. That I was going to do something worthwhile with my life rather than worrying about money or status or parties and all that bullshit. And even then I get rejected, over and over, by everyone, except him. He's never let me down. Ever. So if Bobby wants me out, then so be it, because I can still have Eddie. Because he loves me. He told me he loves me." Buck stares off into space, remembering that magic moment. "He said it first. He loves me. He wants me. I'm not a parasite. He wants me there."

"It breaks my heart that you would ever say that about yourself," she says, reaching out to cup his cheek. "You're wonderful."

"I still don't really believe that, but I believe he wants me. And if he wants me, then I must be okay. Because he's the best. I'm going to spend every single day for the rest of my life making him and Christopher so goddamn happy." Buck smiles at her. "I always wanted a family. I finally got what I wanted."

Maddie is crying, and she nods, and rises from her seat to wrap her arms around him. "I'm so sorry our parents screwed us both up."

"It's not your fault."

"I'm sorry I left you."

"You had to go. You were going to college. Maddie, it's okay. Honestly. I'm doing great," he says, and means it.

~

When he and Eddie return to work, together, the entire firehouse falls silent as they enter.

Chimney, Hen, Bobby and even Athena are waiting for them, in a little huddle, and when Eddie spots them, and the hopeful looks on their faces, he glances at Buck and rolls his eyes.

"All right, all right," Buck calls to them. "Play it cool."

"Anything you two want to tell us?" Hen asks, her face positively filled with glee.

Eddie looks supremely uncomfortable, so Buck says, "I don't understand the question."

Hen and Chimney both groan in unison. "Come on," Chimney groans. "We all know. Just tell us that you're a couple."

"That's very personal information," Buck teases, "and I wouldn't want to overstep any professional boundaries."

"You're impossible," Athena says to him, but she can't wipe the grin from her face. "You two are as bad as each other."

Eddie hitches his bag up onto his shoulder and says in a rush, "All right, yes, fine. Yes. You happy? Can everyone just go back to normal?"

Hen practically shoves Buck out of the way to pull Eddie into a hug, and he's left bewildered, exchanging a confused look with Chimney. "What am I, chopped liver? No one's happy for me?"

"I'm happy you'll finally stop moping around," Chimney says. "And guess what, Buckaroo? Guess who gets to wash the truck today?"

"Oh, god damn it."

"And polish it as well. Lucky you!"

Hen pulls away from Eddie after whispering something in his ear, and then slips an arm around Buck's waist. "This is wonderful and all, but if you two get each other killed, we will bring you back to life so we can kill you _again._ Just saying."

Eddie smirks, exchanging a look with Buck. "Nothing to worry about."

"Oh, you haven't seen the video?" Chimney asks. "The video of your beloved here screaming and trying to dig you out of the hole?"

Eddie glances at Buck again, who shakes his head slightly. "Didn't happen; doesn't exist."

"It was on the news," Hen says, releasing them so she can fish out her phone. "They're calling it a moment of pure brotherhood, but we all know what it was."

"I don't want to see it," Eddie says suddenly, and pulls away from them. "I don't need to see that. Buck doesn't need to relive it. Let's just get on with the day, huh?"

"Good idea," Bobby agrees. "You two get dressed and meet me in my office in five minutes." He walks Athena out to her squad car, his arm around her shoulders.

Eddie heads off to the locker room to get changed, his head down. Hen gazes after him with concern, but Buck says quietly, "He's all good. Don't worry. Has a session booked in this week and everything."

"He should watch the video," she says. "Shouldn't he?"

"Maybe not with everyone gawking at him," Chimney says gently. "Come on. We're all happy for you, but we have to get back to work."

Buck follows Eddie into the locker room to change his clothes, and then they both head up the stairs to Bobby's office. Once inside, Bobby gestures for them to sit down, and passes across two pieces of paper.

"You have to sign this," he says, "to acknowledge that you're in a relationship. So if you break-up, or something goes wrong, the department is aware of it."

Buck takes a pen from Bobby's desk, signs the document without reading it and passes it back across. Eddie takes a moment to skim it and takes the pen from Buck, signing as well.

"Don't give me any reason to split you up," Bobby says, taking the forms from them. "Buck. This is directed mostly to you."

"I know. I'll be okay."

Bobby nods at him, and then levels his gaze at Eddie. "I didn't want you to watch the video in front of everyone, but I really do think you should see it."

Eddie shifts nervously in his seat, his eyes flicking to Buck. "Buck told me what happened."

"I just want you to know what you're both up against, should something like this happen again," Bobby says quietly. "And none of us can promise that it won't happen again."

"But it could happen if Buck was transferred, and I wasn't there," Eddie points out. "And who's to say that wouldn't distract me? At the end of the day we're both doing the same dangerous job, whether we're apart or together, what does it matter?"

"It matters if someone dies because you two are focused on each other," Bobby says, raising his voice slightly. Eddie bites down hard on his lip. "I know you're both professional. I know you can do this job, maintain a distance from each other, and then go home together at the end of the day. If Athena and I can do it, so can you. But my concern is that if another earthquake is happening, and you two are trapped in a building together, and someone has to make a tough call, you won't be able to do it. And both of you will die."

Buck is staring at the floor, his stomach twisted in knots. Eddie shifts beside him again and says, "In that case, if it's a choice between saving myself or Buck, or vice versa, then we know what to do. It's what any of us would do. You save the other person. Right?"

"If you _can_ ," Bobby clarifies. "Tell me, Eddie. Could you walk out of a burning building knowing that Buck was still in there?"

"Could you do it if Athena was?"

"This isn't about me."

"But it is though, because you're in the same position," Eddie points out. "It's just that Buck and I work together as a team. A month ago, when we weren't a couple, if you'd asked me that same question, do you know what my answer would've been? No. I couldn't walk out of a burning building knowing that he was still in there. I'd go back for him then, and I would now. And you would too if it was Athena. You would."

Bobby lets out a long sigh, leaning back in his seat. "Okay," he says to Eddie. "You've thought about this."

"Of course I've thought about it. You know I don't do anything half-assed."

Buck has been quiet for the entire conversation, and as both Eddie and Bobby fall silent as well, he can't help but fill the void with, "I am going to try not to be reckless with my life, because I have too much to lose now."

"You had too much to lose before," Eddie says with exasperation.

Bobby runs his hand over his face and says flatly, "You're always too damn cavalier with your own life, and now it takes falling in love to make you see that it's not worth throwing away?"

"No," Buck says honestly. "I just never knew that… people cared enough about me to want me to stick around. You know why I'm always fighting for my spot here? Why I sued the department? Because this is the only decent family I have ever known, and there's a part of me that was terrified that you were all going to wake up one day and realise that you didn't need me the way I need you all. And this isn't some miracle fix, that being with Eddie and Christopher has magically changed my warped brain – you can all reassure me a thousand times and it still won't sink in, because that's how my parents raised me. Not good enough. Not worthy of love. But I made a promise to Eddie and Christopher that I wasn't going to throw my life away and I mean it. So that's what I meant when I said that I'm not going to be reckless anymore. I can't promise not to be stupid."

"You're like a son to me," Bobby says, uncharacteristically emotional. "How many times do we need to go through this, Buck? What do I have to do to make you see how much you mean to me, to all of us?"

"He gets it," Eddie says, and closes his hand over Buck's. "He does get it. He's working on it."

"You never talk about your parents, and until you were in the hospital, I didn't know how bad it was for you," Bobby says, filled with guilt. "We never asked you about them."

Buck shrugged. "Chim asked; Hen did as well. I lied. They're just a pair of assholes. Rich, snobby, assholes."

Eddie looks at him then, realisation flashing across his face, but he doesn't speak.

"And somehow they raised you to be the way you are," Bobby points out. "One of the finest men I've ever met."

Colour floods his cheeks and he can't look at Bobby; turns his head to the side and mumbles, "Maddie raised me. Not them. Don't give them any credit."

All three men fall silent. Buck wishes that the alarms would go off, so he could leave the oppressive atmosphere of the room, but nothing happens. Bobby finally clears his throat and says, "You know, as much as I've been giving you a hard time about it as your captain, I really am happy for you both. Athena and I have both worried about you, especially the last few months. You two both seemed pretty unhappy."

Eddie says quietly, "It's my fault. I… needed to figure some things out. I'm sorry. I know I've been a bit difficult."

"You both have," Bobby says bluntly, and at that Buck and Eddie exchange a look. "But I was just hoping you'd figure it out. I'm going to try to shield you both, as much as I can. It'll be my head on the chopping block if something goes wrong, so… please, guys. When you're at work, you're professional. No stealing the fire truck to go have sex," he says to Buck pointedly, who makes a face. "Work is work. Whatever you do outside of work, I don't care, but when you're here, it's business only."

"I understand," Buck says – he doesn't have to speak for Eddie, who wouldn't cross a line at work anyway.

"It's not that I don't trust you," Bobby says to him, unexpectedly gently. "It's just that… I can see how happy you are, and in love, and I just need you to be careful at work. Is that okay?"

He nods, glancing at Eddie uncertainly.

"It's not going to be easy all the time, you know," Bobby says thoughtfully. "If the department finds out and wants to split you up, there's nothing I can do about it. I shouldn't be letting you work together, but… Eddie's right. Aside from the night at the farm, where everyone's emotions were running high, you two really have been nothing but professional, so I’m trusting you to stay that way. You keep up your end of the deal and I'll uphold mine."

"We will," Eddie replies firmly. "We won't let you down."

"Good." Bobby lets out a breath. "Athena's planning a party next weekend, and you're both invited; Christopher as well, of course. It's to celebrate her 30th year on the force."

Instantly excited, Buck sits up straighter in his seat. "Are you cooking?"

Bobby grins at him. "I'm building a pizza oven in the backyard. We're having wood fired pizzas."

He's practically drooling thinking about it. "That sounds amazing."

~

Later that night, at home, Christopher was tucked into bed while Eddie and Buck had one last beer together, sprawled out on the back steps, looking up at the night sky.

Eddie says to him, "Your family is rich."

Buck gives a nod. "Yep."

"How come?"

"Wall Street. My father is a stockbroker."

Eddie rolls his eyes. "Oh."

"Yeah. They recently moved to a gated community near Lake Wynonah," Buck says, rolling his eyes. "But I grew up on the outskirts of Philly. My father worked in the city, but he would occasionally spend a week or two at the New York office. My mother didn't work."

"So you're still in touch with them?"

"They send me Christmas cards, every year," Buck replies with a smirk. "Not sure how they got my new address. I guess they have their spies, I don't know. We'll see if one turns up here this year."

Eddie shifts, stretching his legs out. "What kind of house did you grow up in?"

"Kind of a mini-mansion. You know the house in _Home Alone_? Kind of like that, but bigger. That style, though." They'd watched _Home Alone_ with Christopher at Christmas, the first time Buck had ever seen it.

"So a really nice house then," Eddie murmurs.

"I guess. It never felt like a home, though. It wasn't warm or inviting. It was cold, and it had a draft in the winter. My room was like an ice block; Maddie's was worse, apparently. There was a big foyer as you walked in, so it sucked all of the warmth out." Buck picks at the label on his bottle. "I never want to live in a place like that again."

"So now you're here," Eddie says, "in my shitty house—"

Buck makes a face, glancing at him. "Hey, this is a nice house."

"It's not as nice as your apartment."

"You hate my apartment."

"Yeah, but you're here, and they're there, and—"

"Are you asking me why I'm not more of a snob?"

Eddie rubs the back of his head. "Yeah."

"Because I hate money. That's why. It doesn't impress me. They're so selfish; they don't do anything for anyone else. They just accumulate wealth. It's disgusting. It's all offshore so they don't pay any tax on it. They just take, take, take and they give nothing in return. They don't live in the real world. They live in a gilded cage."

Eddie raises his eyebrows, letting out a low whistle. "A gilded cage. I can't imagine you in a gilded cage."

Buck shrugs. "I'm a constant disappointment to them. To think, a son of theirs, who is not impressed by nor wants a large amount of money and has dedicated his life to _helping people without financial gain._ Can you actually imagine, Eddie?" He's trying to keep his tone light, but it still hurts, even after all these years.

"So tell me about them," Eddie says, shifting so he's more reclined on the stairs, propping himself up with an elbow. "Tell me about your childhood."

"You don't want to hear about this; it's not interesting," Buck says dismissively.

"Please, Buck. You know all about me. You've met my parents. You're Abuela's favourite," he points out, and Buck manages a laugh. "Tell me about you. It's not fair that we've been friends for as long as we have, and I don't know anything about how you grew up."

He lets out a long breath and scrubs a hand over his face. "Well… I was a mistake. They had Maddie when they were in their 30s, and I came along when they were in their early 40s. So as I understand it, it was a tough pregnancy, and… honestly, I think my mother held a grudge against me for that. Maddie says that by the time they found out they were pregnant again with me, it was too late to do anything about it. So you're actually lucky I'm even here at all, I guess."

Eddie has a dark look on his face.

"So there was a nanny who took care of me when I was a baby. My first memory is of Maddie – being outside with her, somewhere. I loved her; I've always loved her so much. And she loved me." He closes his eyes, thinking of his sister. "I don't have a lot of early memories of my parents. In most of my memories, they're not there."

"Jesus."

"And we were different from your family," he says, lifting his head. "There was no church, no family connections, no extended family – nothing like that. They were always out at one event or another, steady social invitations. They were constantly flitting off to New York. Once they went to Europe, and we weren't even told where they were going or how long for. They were gone for four months over summer. I was five; Maddie was fifteen, turning sixteen. I remember how angry she was." He sips his beer, lost in thought. "When they came back, she was fighting with them all the time. I remember she and our mother would scream at each other, and I'd be hiding somewhere with my hands over my ears. And things were really bad for a while."

Their eyes meet briefly. Eddie murmurs, "And then what?"

"Well, she got accepted to college, to study business or something like that. I don't remember. And halfway through her first year, she changed her major to nursing, and the following year she told them she wanted to change schools. She'd met Doug by that point, and they liked him. Narcissists are attracted to each other, apparently. They didn't want her to do that, but they agreed to it, and she followed him to his school, and they ultimately moved to Hershey. So I didn't see her much, after that. Doug kept her away."

"And you were… nine? Ten years old?"

Buck nods. "Ten years old and alone with them for the first time, and… I wasn't a bad kid. I tried really, really hard to get their attention; to be what they wanted me to be. I pushed myself. I know you all think I'm dumb—"

"Hey—"

"No, even you thought that about me at first," Buck cuts in, shooting Eddie a warning look. Eddie closes his mouth and sits back with a frown. "I'm not actually dumb, Eddie. People are nicer to you if they think you're not smarter than them."

"Oh, Buck."

"I did really well in school because I had no choice not to. Going into high school I started playing sports, joined the football team, did track, played baseball – you name it, I did it. I worked hard; brought home great grades. It was never enough. It was suddenly like, with Maddie gone, and the focus back on one kid only, they could really hammer home what a total and complete disappointment I was. And when I say nothing was good enough, I mean _nothing._ Straight A's, sports awards, advanced classes – nothing I did was ever good enough. Football was a real sticking point – my father would attend every single game, and I'd stupidly think, _maybe this means he's proud of me._ No, it was because he got a real kick out of running me down in the car on the way home. A play-by-play of everything I did wrong."

Eddie gives him a haunted look. "Jesus."

Buck lets out a mirthless laugh, bitter memories swirling in his mind. "I was constantly walking on eggshells. I wasn't really allowed to go out or have friends. Maddie and I weren't allowed to watch anything but the news or business channels. I was a real anomaly; I had no knowledge of anything going on, pop-culture wise. I was able to get by because I'm charismatic as hell, but sometimes I'd say something and people would look at me like, _how do you not know who Will Smith is?_ I'd get invited to the movies, to parties and they wouldn't let me go. And so one night I snuck out and went to a party. I was 16 and there was a girl I liked, and she wanted to hook up with me, so I went. I got home around 4am, climbed up the trellis into my bedroom and there's my dad, waiting." Buck sighs, closing his eyes briefly. "He beat the shit out of me. I was off school for nearly a week."

"Jesus fucking Christ," Eddie groans. "Why didn't you ever say anything about this?"

"What am I going to say, Eds? There's nothing that can be done to change it now. It is what it is." Buck shifts, trying to find a more comfortable position on the stairs. "I towered over him by a foot and he still got the best of me, nearly broke my nose and my arm."

" _Buck_."

"I know, I know. There was other stuff, but that was the worst thing he ever did. They would constantly make fun of me; belittle me for things. Make me feel small and inferior. My mother used to tell me that nobody would ever love me. When the crash happened in 2008, they lost a chunk of money and things were really, really bad for a few months. They were particularly vicious. I guess they had to take their anger out on someone, and I was there."

Eddie moves closer to him, almost protectively. Buck drapes an arm around his shoulders automatically. "So how'd you get out?"

"College. I was accepted to Stanford. They weren't happy about it, because my father wanted me to go to Yale, to follow in his footsteps, but Stanford was on the other side of the country, so I bailed on them and Maddie, even though I knew at that time that she was going through some shit with Doug. I still feel guilty about it, but I had to leave."

"You were only a kid."

"Yeah, but I was her brother, and I should've been there for her." He rests his chin atop Eddie's head. "So I move out to Cali, and I hated every single miserable second at that school. Hated it. I was so angry and unhappy; I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I hated all the preppy assholes that went there, and the professors and classes, and everything. And then when I turned 18, the trust from my grandparents came in, and let me tell you, Eddie – for the first time in my life, I wasn't dependent on them anymore. I had my own money. I dropped out," he says, and Eddie glances up at him with a grin. "They found out a week after I did it, but by that time, I was already on the road. I bought myself a Jeep—"

"You do love your Jeeps."

"Yeah, I do," he agrees. "I took myself on a road trip across the country, just… to find myself, I guess. To figure out what I wanted to do. And everywhere I went, the one thing I wanted was to be around people. I took off to Brazil for six months to continue the party, was there for Carnival, met some great people, had some great sex, all that fun stuff. But I was still feeling empty."

"And then what happened?"

"Then Maddie called. She and Doug were getting married, finally, and they wanted me to come back for the wedding. I was planning on coming back anyway, so I packed up and headed back to Pennsylvania. At that point they still seemed happy, and she loved being a nurse. I came to visit her at the hospital, and I saw how great she was with her patients, and I thought, I could do that. I love people. I love helping people. I could do something like that as well, just like Maddie, and it would be meaningful, and I wouldn't feel so lost. So that's when I decided to try to become a Navy Seal, but… it wasn't the right environment for me. I am not cut out for the armed forces," he says, and Eddie lets out a laugh. "I moved back out to California, saw there was a shortage of firefighters and thought, I could do that. I'd be good at that. And then one day, this knockout walks into my station and takes his shirt off, and I was done for. Absolutely wrecked."

Eddie's laughing, with one of those brilliant smiles that lit up his whole face. "I just wanted to give you a show."

"It was a great show. I'm glad I get to see it, every night." Buck leans over to press a kiss to his cheek. "So that's me, Eds. That's the shitty story you wanted to know."

"So when they found out that you became a firefighter; how did they react?"

"Badly. I'm a disappointment, I've ruined the family name, blah, blah, blah. It's all bullshit. It doesn't matter. They don't matter, and I don't really talk to them anymore." Buck presses a kiss to the top of Eddie's head. "And when you showed up, I was scared, you know… because I had made this new family here, and for some reason I thought you were going to replace me. Bobby, Hen and Chimney were the first people I really bonded with here in LA. They actually seemed to like me for me, especially Bobby. So I was feeling pretty good about myself until you walked in, and then… I started thinking that I wasn't good enough."

Eddie chews on his lower lip guiltily.

"It's not your fault, it's me," Buck says, trying to explain. "I just… I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. For Bobby to finally get sick of me, for Hen and Chim to have finally had enough. I love you guys all so much that it can't possibly be reciprocated, and I'm just bracing for the worst."

" _Buck_ …" Eddie breathes, in a voice filled with anguish. "I wish they'd never made you feel this way about yourself. Look, when I first walked in there, I could see how insecure you were. I could've tried to prove myself to you in a different way, but I just let you work your shit out. And you did, you know, really quickly. But that first day, I know we've made jokes about it, but… I really was thinking that I didn't know how we'd get along, and then I saw you in the field and… well, my mind was changed. That's the thing that pisses me off the most about you," he says, suddenly sitting up, and Buck's blinking at him with surprise. "You're always willing to lay your life down so easily. The bomb could've gone off with us in the ambulance together, but no way would you have let anyone else be in there. You'd die for any one of them in a heartbeat, and they don't even _know_ it. So somehow your parents have raised this amazing, selfless, wonderful man and after what you've told me, I don't even know how it's possible that you turned out to be this good. Seriously, Buck," he says, grasping Buck's shoulder. "I'm sitting here with you, and I know you love me, but honestly, I don't know why I'm worthy of your love. And I can't believe that stupid idiot, Abby," he practically spits, "would throw you away."

"God, you really do hate her."

"I'm allowed to." Eddie cups Buck's face with both hands and gives him a long, serious look. "You are the only person I want raising my son, aside from me. I just want you. I want you to stop thinking you're not good enough for us; that we'll leave you. I'm not like that," he says firmly. "I don't throw people away."

"I know. That's why I fell in love with you."

Eddie smiles at him, and presses a kiss to his forehead, and then to his birthmark. "No more sacrificing yourself. You've got a family to think about now."

Buck nods, swallowing hard. It's not a promise he can make, but he has a reason not to throw his life away.

Eddie doesn't ask him to promise, but he does take him by the hand and lead him back inside the house. They spend some time tidying up, brushing teeth and checking on Christopher, before retiring to the bedroom. Buck's crawling into bed when Eddie says, out of nowhere, "You never told me you have a trust fund. Or that they were rich."

"It's to make sure you're not with me for my cash," Buck replies loftily, and ducks when Eddie tosses a pillow at him.

"Ha ha," he says, unamused, changing into his sleep shorts and a singlet. "No, really, though. You inherited it when you turned 18?"

"Maddie and I both did."

"How much money?"

"A little less than a million. From my grandparents."

Eddie's jaw drops. He sits down heavily on the side of the bed, an incredulous look on his face. "You never mentioned this."

"There's not a whole hell of a lot of it left. I used a chunk of it to buy the loft."

"You told me you rented."

Buck shrugged. "I lied."

"Yeah, you're doing that a lot lately," Eddie mutters, glancing at Buck suspiciously. "Where'd the rest of it go?"

"I donated a big chunk to both the earthquake and tsunami relief funds," Buck replies, "and I donate to the firefighters fund every year. I mean, there's not nothing left, because I'm not terrible with money, I just… give a lot of it away."

"Jesus Christ."

Buck grins at him. "No. And you want to know the other thing? I get five grand from my parents on the first of the month, every month, and have done since I turned 21. Maddie gets the same."

"Holy shit," Eddie whispers, and then rubs his face with both hands. "I can't… even imagine."

"I've been putting a lot of it aside," Buck admits. "For Christopher."

"What?" Eddie demands, looking over at him with alarm. "You don't have to do that."

"I'm already doing it." Buck tucks a pillow under his head, rolling on his side. "Listen. I don't like money, and it's easy for me to say that because I've always had it – and I know that – but it's true. I don't spend a lot of money. I occasionally buy some new clothes, but other than that, I don't waste it. It's sitting there in my account if I need it, but most of the time, I don't. I live off my salary."

Eddie's nodding, but he still looks astounded.

"Anyway, what I'm saying is that while this sounds like a good deal, and when we're married we'll be comfortable, I still don't like money. Don't want a lot of things; don't want a big house. Just want this house, you and Christopher. But if we need it, it's there. If Christopher needs to have surgery again, we can pay for it. If you want to buy this house, or a different house, we can."

"Are you seriously telling me that… I don't need to worry about money now?" Eddie's voice is hoarse. "Buck, I cannot ask you to do this."

"You're not asking me to do anything. You know I’m all in," Buck replies, patting the bed insistently. Eddie moves so he's lying down beside him, head propped up on his hand. "I'm all in with you, Eds."

"Everyone is going to say that we're rushing this."

"Yeah, but not everyone knows that we've been doing this for a long, long time without actually doing it," Buck points out. "I've been your partner for over a year now."

And suddenly Eddie is grinning at him. "God, you're the sappiest," he groans. "I love it."

"I know."

"I still feel weird about the money, though."

Buck shrugs. "Don't. Nothing's changed. You just now know we have a safety net. And the reason I never told anyone is because… people aren't always nice to you if they know you come from money. Money can make people toxic. And I don't consider it my money, anyway. I didn't earn it. It's just been handed to me. I may as well use it for something good rather than just accumulating wealth or buying cars or… I don't know."

Eddie chews on his lower lip, thinking, and finally asks, "How rich are they?"

"Not Bezos rich, but… rich. In the hundreds of millions, probably. Honestly, I'm not sure what my father does is on the up and up, but I have nothing to do with it now. And he's retired, as far as I know."

"What happens to their money when they die?"

Buck shrugs. "It's not coming to me. I've been written out of the Will; my dad told me the day I became a firefighter that I wouldn't get a cent more than what I'm already getting, because I'm such a disappointment. I genuinely don't know what will happen to it, and I don't care. I'm telling you, I've met a lot of rich people in my life and I don't like them. I got as far away from that as I possibly could. Can you imagine how disappointed they were when I was living in Rio, in a studio apartment above a bar, spending all day on the beach and all night serving cocktails? I had a fucking ball, Eds. Nineteen, on my own, in Brazil… it was a good time. A lot of good times."

Eddie's grinning at him. "And I was in Afghanistan."

"You grew up a lot quicker than I did."

"Had to. Expectations, and all that." Eddie lets out a long sigh, reaching out to trace Buck's tattoo with his finger. "You are not obligated to take on my finances or save money for Christopher, you know."

"Hey, we're partners, right? You got debts? We can pay them off."

"I can't ask you to do that."

"Why not?" Buck asks, genuinely confused, and Eddie just stares at him with watery eyes. "Eddie, my parents use their money for evil but the little I have it, we can use for good. So if it means giving you some peace of mind, why can't we do that? You know they're Trump supporters, right?"

Eddie makes a face, and then says, "It's your money. It's not our money. I'll never ask you for it."

"But you're the love of my life," he says. "You and Christopher. Why can't I make things good for you?"

"I wouldn't feel right about it. Not now, not when we're just starting out." Eddie's gazing up at him with dark eyes. "It makes me feel uncomfortable."

Buck nods. "But one day," he says, "when we're married. Then?"

Eddie's still hesitating, but he says, "Maybe."

"So let's get married."

"Oh shut up," Eddie laughs. "It's a bit too soon for that. Bobby would freak. We haven't even told my family."

"How are they going to react, you think?"

Eddie shrugs. "Don't really know. My parents are in town next week to see Christopher. I was going to tell them then."

"So soon?"

"Well, they already know about you, Buck. I talk about you all the time." Eddie's looking up at him again, a small smile on his lips. "I was worried about it, but… I think they'll be okay. I think so. It'll be a shock, but… they know you, and they like you. So maybe not too shocking. Will you ever tell your parents?"

Buck shakes his head. "Don't know when I'll talk to them again, to be honest with you."

"What if we get married and there's an announcement in the paper?"

"What is this, 1955? Why would there be an announcement in the paper?" Buck asks, genuinely confused, and Eddie is laughing and leaning in to kiss him lightly. "You want to announce our marriage?"

"We're not getting married any time soon," Eddie says with a chuckle. "It was a joke."

"Yeah, you keep saying that we're not getting married any time soon, and we keep talking about it."

"Because you keep bringing it up."

"You brought it up first."

"Actually, I think Christopher did." Eddie's expression turns serious. "We need to talk to him. We've told everyone and we haven't told him, and now you're here all the time."

"He doesn't know we're sharing a bed."

"He's not stupid; he'll figure it out, and you're pretty handsy." Eddie swears under his breath. "Fuck."

"Hey, we'll tell him in the morning, right?" Buck suggests. "Over breakfast. I'll make pancakes."

"The only thing you make well." Eddie's back to teasing him again, so Buck relaxes.

"I don't know," he says. "I think I make you pretty hard."

Eddie's eyebrows fly up, his eyes light up with delight and he gives Buck a playful shove. "Cocky bastard."

~~

They tell Christopher over breakfast. He shrugs about it at first, nonplussed, and says, "I already knew. Buck has been sleeping in your room with you."

Eddie exchanges a look with Buck. "Uh… how did you know that?"

Christopher looks at him like he's an idiot. "The spare bed has stuff all over it and Buck's clothes are in your room."

Both men are silent, blinking at each other. Buck finally says, "Well… are you cool with it?"

"Yes," Christopher says emphatically, digging into his pancakes. "Now we can hang out _all the time._ "

Buck laughs, reaching out to ruffle his hair. "It's a deal."

~

"Are you getting married?" Christopher asks Eddie on the way to school.

"One day, bud," Eddie replies. "When Buck asks me."

"You could ask him."

"Maybe."

Christopher is silent for a minute, and then asks, "Does this mean I have two dads now?"

"You've got one dad, and you've got one Buck," Eddie says, glancing at him in the rear-view mirror, "and one day, when we get married, he'll be your second dad. But for now, he's just Buck."

Christopher nods, seriously, looking out the window.

"And this doesn't replace Mom," Eddie adds after a moment. "He's not here to replace your mom."

"I know, Dad. He tells me all the time how great she was."

"He does?"

"Yeah." Christopher has a smile on his face. "You're happy now."

"I was happy before, mijo. This is just a bonus."

"You're happier, and Buck is too." Christopher is beaming. "I'm happy too."

"You're his best friend," Eddie says, pulling the car to a stop in front of the school.

"I am?"

"I'm a distant second when it comes to you." Eddie turns around to flash him a smile. "Come on. Let's get you inside."

~

They empty out Buck's apartment on their day off, after selling the fridge, appliances and other random bits of furniture on Facebook and Craigslist. Buck's couch takes pride of place in Eddie's living room, and they get rid of Eddie's double bed and move Buck's larger bed in, taking Christopher on a ride to the landfill to dispose of the furniture.

Buck's putting his clothes away in Eddie's cupboard when Eddie comes in from his shower, and finds Christopher on the bed, giggling up at him.

"What's going on?" he asks, making a face at his son.

"Christopher thinks that my clothes won't fit," Buck replies, "but I'm confident he's wrong."

"You do have a lot of stuff," Eddie comments, joining Christopher on the bed.

"It's not that much." Buck shoves the clothes along the rack and jams another few coat-hangers into place determinedly. "Maybe you two could help me instead of watching me suffer."

Christopher squeals with laughter. Buck gives him a mock glare, which makes him giggle even more, and even Eddie can't stop smiling stupidly at him. "You two are going to drive me nuts, aren't you?"

"That's the plan," Buck says. "Me and my little pal, ganging up on you."

"Typical." Eddie reaches out to ruffle Christopher's hair. "Come on, mijo. It's time for bed."

"Okay," Christopher agrees.

"Got to brush those pearly whites. Go do that, then come in and show Buck, okay?"

Christopher slides off the bed, and Eddie watches him head into the bathroom, before standing up to assess the damage to his wardrobe.

Buck looks defeated. "I don't think I have that much."

"You do, though," Eddie says. "We should clean it all out, my stuff too."

"Okay. I'll put the rest in the spare room for now." Buck gathers up his stuff and kisses Eddie on the way out.

Eddie sits on the end of the bed and reaches for the box of stuff that had been in Buck's nightstand, wondering what he can put away. The condoms and lube are quickly stashed on his side of the bed, and he crosses his legs and rummages through the rest – Tylenol, random pieces of Lego, a stack of baseball cards wrapped in a rubber band, a box of Bandaids, some matchbox cars – and finds a collection of photos at the bottom, all with tape on the corners.

He can hear Buck in the spare room, so he pulls the photos out to examine them – there's a couple of Buck and Maddie, some group shots with the 118, a photo that Eddie took when Buck was annoying Athena at Christmas (there was something so very _Athena_ about the way she was glaring at him, lips pursed, and he was grinning like a fool at her), and the rest were of the three of them. Eddie, Buck and Christopher, the trio. Buck had cared enough to physically print the photos out and put them on display. Eddie had no idea.

Buck clears his throat, and Eddie looks up, suddenly emotional. He's leaning against the doorframe with a smile on his face. "They were on my wall," he says, undoing his wristwatch. "You said once that my apartment was bare, but all the pictures were upstairs, where I could see them."

Eddie nods. His throat is tight.

"I might not have known it up here," Buck says quietly, tapping his head, "but I'm pretty sure I knew it, in here." He places a hand over his heart.

"Yeah," Eddie says, clearing his throat. "I wish we hadn't wasted so much time."

Buck grins at him, and when he hears Christopher come out of the bathroom, he drops to his knees dramatically and says, "Teeth check! Show me them pearly whites!"

Christopher lets out a peal of laughter. Eddie listens to them play, slowly gathering the photos together. His room is pretty bare too, he thinks, looking at the empty walls. Maybe he needs to do something about that.

**


	10. Chapter 10

One week ago

It's been over two years, and suddenly Abby is standing in front of him. Out of the blue, the last person he expected to see, and he has no idea how to feel or what to say about it.

And Eddie is staring at him, jaw clenched, and he keeps looking back and forth between them, but there's nothing either one of them can do, because they're at work. And she's lost her fiancé, and so… Buck promises to go find him.

Even though they're meant to be keeping their emotions in check, he can tell that Eddie is furious, but he can't focus on that. When they find Sam and assess the situation, and he tells Eddie and Bobby that he wants to take the risk and go out and cut a hole in the side of the train car, he can feel Eddie's anger rolling him off him in waves, he can hear the absolute disgust in his voice, but Eddie's holding back from what he really wants to say, which would be something like, _you're willing to lay your life down for the woman who broke your heart and ruined your self-esteem, and throw away everything we've built together_.

And even though he knows the risk, and he knows that he could lose everything – that _they_ could lose everything – he does his job and cuts a hole in the side of the train, and for once, he's not crushed, and nobody dies, and both victims are rescued.

Abby's grateful, but he didn't really do it for her – well, he _did_ , but the real answer was that he couldn't live with himself if he willingly let someone die. Whether that was her fiancé or somebody else didn't really matter because he was still a person who deserved a chance, and Buck was the person who could save him. So he did.

And when they get back to the station and Bobby hauls him up to his office and shouts at him for five minutes, he doesn't get defensive, just stands there and takes it, because it's got nothing on what Eddie is going to say to him.

And when they're driving home, in silence, he knows it's going to be bad.

And it is, because Christopher isn't home and as soon as they're in through the front door Eddie grabs him by the shirt collar, throws him against the wall and lets out a guttural half-scream, half-wail, and hands clenching fistfuls of Buck's shirt, and he's never done anything like this, never, ever reacted like this before and Buck is whispering to him, trying to calm him down until Eddie shoves him away roughly, turns his back and presses his hands to his face.

So Buck sinks down to sit on the floor and waits, exhausted, but Eddie stalks off to the bedroom and slams the door shut.

And then a minute later he emerges, snatching one of Christopher's drawings off the fridge as he passes by, throwing it at Buck. "We're your family," he spits, practically shaking with rage. "You owe her _nothing._ "

Buck nods. He knows.

"She comes back and you make her a promise, and you don't make me the same promise?" Eddie looks stricken. "You prioritise her over _me?_ "

He did do that, and he's ashamed about it. "I just… I couldn't help it."

"What you basically said, though, was that you'd put your life on the line to save _her_ fiancé." Eddie starts pacing back and forth, clenching and unclenching his fists. "And I know we talked about this, and we were going to keep feelings out of it, but I'm _your_ fiancé, aren't I? You asked me to marry you and I said yes."

He nods. He'd proposed one Sunday afternoon, in the backyard, with Christopher at his side, because he couldn't wait anymore.

"And she comes back, and the first thing you do is to make her a promise." Eddie rakes his hand through his hair, looking anguished. "And you wonder why I hate her. She makes you do shit like this."

"I fucked up."

"Yeah, you did. Were you even thinking about me? I was standing right beside you, Buck."

"I was thinking about you," Buck replies, and when Eddie scoffs, he raises his voice and says, "I was thinking what if it was you up there – would I want someone to save you? So that's what I did, for her."

"You owe her nothing!"

Buck closes his eyes briefly. "I shouldn't have made the promise, but neither one of us knew what it was going to be like up there. He could've been easy to rescue – we didn't know how bad it would be."

"That's why you don't make a fucking promise," Eddie snarls at him.

He hangs his head. "I know. I'm sorry."

"This is what kills me, because… she could come back into your life, and take you away from me," he says hoarsely. "You loved her."

"What I had with her doesn't even compare with what we have," Buck says vehemently. "You know that."

"Yeah, but you can make her a promise," he says bitterly, "and when your life is on the line—"

"It was the only chance we had!" Buck argues. "I knew you were angry, but I had to be the one to do it, regardless of how you felt. We're supposed to be professional, right? I was doing my job!"

"But how could you take that chance—"

"Because you couldn't," he says, and Eddie looks so offended and aghast that it's almost funny. "You had to be there as a medic. Sometimes my ideas aren't entirely terrible, and we saved them both."

"But you could've died!"

"But I didn't. It was a calculated risk."

"It was reckless, and stupid—"

"I could not have stood there and let one person live and one die!" Buck shouts, and Eddie closes his mouth, turning his eyes to the ceiling. "This wasn't about you, or us, or her. This was about two people stuck in a train, both with practically equal chances of surviving if we could just get them loose. So I got them loose. That's my job."

"You looked at her like you'd seen a ghost."

"I thought I had," Buck said bluntly, and Eddie's face screws up. "But we have to be professional. So I can't say to her, Abby, the man you've just been speaking to is my fiancé, the love of my life and we're getting married in a week. How the fuck else was I supposed to react? I haven't seen the woman in two years."

Eddie's lips are trembling. "I thought… you might want her back."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Buck demands. "She's got nothing on you. Nothing. Eddie. _Eddie._ "

But Eddie, jealous and possessive, stalks off to the bedroom again and slams the door.

So Buck pulls himself upright and follows him into the room. Eddie's yanking his shoes off with a scowl, and he doesn't look up.

"Hey," Buck says. "Look at me."

"I'm so angry at you, Evan."

"If Bobby knew we were fighting about this, he'd split us up."

"Maybe he should," Eddie mutters. "So I don't have to watch you die."

"And vice versa," he says. "You cut the rope. Remember?"

"That was different, and you know it. I had a chance to save that kid."

"And I had a chance to save two people, so I took it." Buck leans against the wall, his hands shoved in his pockets. "At what point when you cut that rope did you think of me or Christopher?"

Eddie looks up at him with a haunted expression. "That's different."

"Answer the fucking question."

Eddie's lips tighten. "After," he admits.

"How is that calculated risk worse than my calculated risk?"

He sucks in a shuddering breath, shaking his head, turning his face to the side. "It's not," he admits.

"If it wasn't Abby's fiancé, we wouldn't be having this conversation," Buck says quietly. "You wouldn't be so angry. You're threatened."

"Of course I'm threatened."

"But you have me," Buck points out. "And she threw me away. When have you ever thrown me away, Eddie?"

Eddie's lips are trembling. "Never."

"And what's the thing I'm most scared of?"

He whispers it. "Being abandoned."

"And what did she do to me, when she hopped on a plane and ghosted me for years?"

"Abandoned you. Threw you away because she'd taken what she wanted from you. Fucking _bitch_ ," he practically spits,

"So how in the world do you think that I would ever, _ever_ want her back after that?"

A tear slips down Eddie's cheek. "I don't know."

"I got down on one knee and proposed to you in front of _your son_ ," Buck says, "because you told me you wanted to get married and I didn't want to fucking wait to be your husband any longer than I had to, so I went out and got a ring and proposed to you that day and you said yes. Right?"

"Right." Eddie wipes his nose, swallowing hard.

"Would I have done that if I was still in love with her?"

"No." Eddie finally looks over at him. "I hate her."

"I know. You were very, very open about it." Buck steps over to the bed, casting one hand down Eddie's face. " _Mi amor_."

Eddie smiles, closing his eyes. "Your Spanish sucks."

" _Te amo mas que nada en el mundo_ ," Buck replies, and Eddie's looking up at him with surprise. "Yeah, I'm gettin' pretty good at it."

Eddie lets out a breathy laugh, leaning into Buck's touch. "Fuck, I thought I was going to lose you."

"You haven't, and you won't." Buck bends over to press a kiss to the top of Eddie's head. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too."

"I can't say I won't do the risky thing again, but I am done with Abby. I swear."

"Yeah, but do you promise?" Eddie mutters, and when Buck snorts out a laugh, he relents enough to smile. "Okay, okay. I get it. You know I love you more than anything in the world as well, except for Christopher. Christ, Buck. Christ. I was so freaked out."

"You could've fooled me; all I could see was how pissed off you were."

"I know I fucked up when I cut the rope," he murmurs, "and you didn't give me hell for it. And I nearly died."

"I didn't give you hell because I understood why you did it," Buck says, his hands grasping Eddie's shoulders. "And I would've done the same thing."

"Yeah, I know. Fuck." Eddie sighs, pressing his head to Buck's stomach. "Fuck, let's just… I need to not think about it anymore. Come to bed." His hands go to Buck's waist, undoing his belt.

"We both stink," Buck points out, but Eddie just shrugs, looking up at him again, fire in his eyes.

Soon they're both naked, under the covers, and Eddie's kissing him urgently, sliding on top. They're both exhausted, but Buck knows what Eddie needs – what they both need – and suddenly fatigue is the last thing on his mind, as he fumbles in the drawer for the bottle of lube. They've gotten it down to a fine art by now, quiet love-making, as silent as possible so as not to wake Christopher (thankfully Buck's bed doesn't squeak the way Eddie's did), but usually if Christopher is out of the house, things are different. Not tonight, because Eddie's silent, kissing, biting and sucking his way across Buck's chest and up to his neck, and when Buck presses the lube into his hand, Eddie resists, pulling away from him for the first time. "It's you," he says. "I need it."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, yep." Eddie swallows hard, his cheeks reddening. "I need it tonight. I need you."

This was something they'd only done one other time, and Eddie had enjoyed it – he'd _definitely_ enjoyed it – but he hadn't asked for it again. So Buck toys with the lube, gazing up at Eddie, and says, "I scared you."

"Yeah, you did." Eddie bites down hard on his lower lip. "Take care of me. Stop thinking about her."

"Baby, she's the last thing on my mind right now," Buck whispers, rolling them over so Eddie is beneath him. "Stop. I would never leave you."

"Then prove it," Eddie replies, tilting his chin up. "Prove it to me."

So Buck does, taking his time, drawing it out before the inevitable push inside, and when he does finally slide in, Eddie is practically begging for it, his legs wrapped around Buck's hips, right hand grasping his bicep. "Fuck me," he begs, and Buck does, leaning over so they can kiss as he works his hips methodically, hitting the _spot_ that drives Eddie wild.

Buck plants one hand on the bed beside Eddie's head and wraps the other around his cock, stroking him in time. Eddie's moaning against his lips, lifting his hips to meet his thrusts, so tight and perfect around him. "Harder," Eddie moans, and when Buck releases his cock, plants both hands on the bed and rolls his hips, fast and hard, Eddie's jaw falls open, and he gazes up at Buck with watery eyes.

"You're mine," Buck pants, and Eddie manages a nod. "It's us. The two of us. No one else."

"No," he breathes. "Fuck, _I love you_."

Buck chuckles, lowering his head to meet Eddie's lips again. Their ragged breathing fills the room, followed by a string of swear words from Eddie as Buck finds the right angle, the bed shaking beneath them. Eddie starts to moan again, his hands scrabbling across Buck's back, and when Buck reaches down between them to stroke his cock, he shudders.

Buck's sweating, shaking, wanting to let go, but it's not until he twists his hips _just right_ that Eddie gasps, his eyes flying open, and comes with a shouted curse. Buck's grinning, kissing him, slowing down, and when Eddie recovers enough to put both hands on Buck's cheeks, staring up into his eyes, worshipping him, Buck gives him a slow, adoring kiss and finds his release.

Soon they're both still, trading kisses like breaths. Eddie's hands snake up Buck's back with a feather-light touch, and he murmurs, "Well, you sure showed me."

"That was the idea." Buck lifts his head slightly. He has to extract himself from this, but he just doesn't want to. Eddie's eyes are closed, so he drops a couple of kisses to his eyelids and the bridge of his nose before slowly sliding off, reaching for the tissues.

"Now I'm going to need a shower," Eddie mumbles, "and to change the sheets."

"You smell good though. Kinda smoky. I like it." Buck cleans them both up, and then pulls Eddie out of bed. "Come on. You can stay upright for one shower. I'll change the sheets."

"No, you're coming with me," Eddie says possessively. "And you called me baby before, we're gonna need to talk about that."

Buck's laughing as Eddie drags him into the bathroom. "You didn't like it?"

"No, what's scary to me is how much I did like it."

~

"She's going to want to see you," Eddie murmurs. "You know it." They're back in bed, in fresh sheets, still damp from their shower. Buck's head is on Eddie's shoulder.

"I can say no."

"I can't ask you to do that." Eddie's lips ghost over his forehead. "Just come back to me."

Buck nods, and reaches over to the bedside table, grabbing the ring box. "Here," he says, sliding the engagement ring onto Eddie's left hand. "That's better."

Eddie smiles, but he's struggling to keep his eyes open. "Are we going to tell them?" he murmurs.

"We decided we weren't."

"I feel like they should know. Maddie should."

"I feel like this could just be ours," Buck murmurs. "Just this one thing for you and me."

"A secret marriage." Eddie's lips quirk. " _Escandalo_. I like it."

"I thought you would."

"I feel like you want to scream it from the rooftop though."

Buck shrugs. "Not really worried about what anyone thinks, to be honest. Just want to be with you."

"Bobby's going to kill us." Eddie presses a kiss to Buck's forehead. "Especially if you change your name."

"We said I wasn't going to."

"I kinda want you to."

Buck's grinning, but he's so tired he can hardly keep his eyes open. "Always wanting to claim me, and I had to be the one to propose."

"That was for Christopher more than it was for me. You could've just put the ring on my finger, and I would've said yes without you needing to ask the question, but he wanted it." Eddie's fingers rub back of Buck's neck in small circles. "He needed to see you do it. To make it real."

"He's happy, right?"

"Yeah babe, he's happy."

"Babe," Buck teases, trying to keep his eyes open.

"Shut up."

"You shut up."

Eddie kisses him again, sliding his arm around Buck's shoulders. "We're going to have to talk about it again. The adoption thing. I don't know why you're so hesitant."

"Don't want to confuse him; make him think we're replacing his mom with me."

"I explained it to him. Maybe we need to talk about it again. The thing is," and Eddie's voice is suddenly serious, "if something happens to me, my parents will want to take him from you."

"Yeah."

"And we don't want that. I want you raising him if I'm not here."

"I hate even talking about the possibility that you might not be here." Buck will not let that happen, anyway. If the choice is to save Eddie and sacrifice himself, that's what he'll do. Christopher won't grow up without his father.

"We have to. Got to sort it all out with the lawyers, make it all official and airtight so they can't fuck you over. I love my parents, but they will try to fuck you over. And they're not happy about us anyway. I don't trust them." Eddie's grumbling again, so Buck lifts his head to kiss him reassuringly.

Telling Eddie's parents hadn't been the easiest thing in the world, and Buck had even made sure that both Carla and Maddie were on hand, so they both had support. Eddie's father had looked so damn disappointed. Sometimes Buck replayed that moment in his mind, and the look of defiance on Eddie's face, and felt guilty about it.

It helped that they were in the minority; that the LA branch of Eddie's family was entirely on board with the relationship and were all Team Buck, as Maddie affectionately put it. And it also helped that Christopher, for reasons unknown, was all over Buck, and shy around his grandparents. Even Eddie was concerned about that, and when they questioned him about it later that night, he'd confessed that he was scared that they would make Buck leave, and that he wanted Buck to stay forever.

So Eddie decided they should get married, and Buck went out to buy a couple of rings, which they wore when they weren't at work. He did feel guilty for not telling Maddie about it, but he was mostly concerned with what Eddie and Christopher wanted, and less interested in the production of marriage and weddings. He loved Eddie, and wanted to marry him, but he didn't need all the bells and whistles. Just them and Christopher, saying vows in front of a judge.

Eddie's silent, breathing deeply. Buck was slowly drifting off to sleep when he says, in a low rumble, "You can see her, but I'm gonna be there."

"Okay."

"For closure."

"'kay."

"And to rub it in that she's not the only one who's fuckin' found someone."

"Whatever you want, babe."

Eddie's lips are on his forehead as he finally drifts off to sleep.

~

She doesn't apologise for what she did, not once, during their conversation.

He gets it, and doesn't really care, but… he wonders if she even realises how shitty it was, to just disappear. And then he thinks, maybe his idea of who she was, and what their relationship had been, wasn't actually correct, and that maybe she was using him - while he'd thought it was something more.

And then he realises how different things are with Eddie, and how, for the entire time they've been in each other's lives, Eddie has made sure that Buck knows how important he is, how loved he is, how he's a part of their family. He's been a constant reassurance, and his partner in every single way he could be. That's when Buck looks at Abby with new eyes, full of pity, and thinks, _she'll never know what real love is._

They're wrapping things up when his phone dings, and he checks it quickly, rising to his feet. "I have to go. My partner is waiting for me."

"You're seeing someone," Abby says with surprise, standing as well.

"Yeah," he says, not sure what else to say.

"Is it serious?" She tilts her head, assessing him.

He guffaws. "Yeah, very. We get married on Friday."

Abby's jaw drops, shocked, and he feels a small sense of satisfaction at her reaction. "Married?" she asks in disbelief, and then recovers. "Buck. That's wonderful."

"Thank you." They begin walking along the pathway to the entrance of the park, where Eddie and Christopher are waiting for him at a picnic table.

"She must be a wonderful woman," Abby says, and when he laughs again, she looks confused. "She's not?"

"She's not a woman," he replies, and points to Eddie. "Eddie. My fiancé. You met him at the derailment."

Abby's jaw drops again. She looks back and forth between them, stunned. "You're engaged to a man? A firefighter?"

"Yeah. That's Christopher, his… uh, our son," Buck says, waving to Christopher. "The best kid in the world."

"Oh my god, Buck." Her voice is quiet. "I just… wow. I'm so happy for you."

"Thank you," he says again, a little smugly.

Abby touches his arm. "When… I'm sorry, but… were you struggling with your sexuality when we were together?"

"No," he replies. "I just fell in love with a guy after we broke up."

"Oh." Abby looks a little lost. "I had no idea."

"You really didn't know me," he says, and she meets his eyes, shock written all over her face. "Our relationship was about you. You were in control. You decided what was happening and when it would happen. You unilaterally chose to leave and never called me again."

"Buck, that was never my intention—"

"But you did it," he says pointedly, and her mouth closes. "It took me a long time to realise what was right in front of me. In walks Eddie, and I was still pining after you, thinking you were going to come back. I wasted a lot of my life on you when you could've just given me a clean break."

Abby blinks rapidly, swallowing hard.

"But I think I needed it," he says after a moment, because he's already feeling guilty about hurting her feelings. "I needed Eddie and I to be friends first, to not rush into anything. From the moment we met we've been equals. Partners. I've got his back and he's got mine, and we slowly fell in love. The best gift you gave me was setting me free, to be with him. I'm finally home." He lifts his shoulders slightly, glancing over at Eddie and Christopher with a smile.

"I'm glad you found him," she says quietly. "You deserve it, you know. You're a wonderful guy. I just wasn't right for you."

"We aren't right for each other," Buck corrects, and they start walking again, towards Eddie and Christopher. "But I'm glad we were able to talk it out."

"Me too. I always thought about you, you know… wondered how you were. I heard about your accident, with the truck… it made the news in Europe. I'm glad you're okay."

"Never been better," he says dismissively. They arrive at the table, and his attention is immediately on Christopher, who is beaming at him. "Hey buddy!"

"Hi Buck," Christopher replies cheerfully. "Dad says we can get ice cream."

"Good deal," Buck replies easily, turning to Abby. "Abby, this is Christopher. Christopher's going to beat us both at the arcade this afternoon."

"Nice to meet you," Abby says awkwardly, and Christopher waves to her.

Eddie has his arms folded across his chest, scowling. He's looking at Abby contemptuously, not even trying to hide his bitterness, but when Buck says, "This is my Eddie," some of the tension leaves his body.

"We met the other night," he says gruffly, and clears his throat.

"Thank you for that," she says to him. "For helping me."

"It's my job." Eddie gestures to Buck. "We better get going. We've got a big day planned."

"Yeah, I gotta go," Buck says to Abby, and joins them at the table. "It was nice to see you. Say hi to Sam for me. He seems like a great guy."

" _He_ does," Eddie agrees pointedly, helping Christopher up.

Buck's trying not to grin at the waves of hostility radiating from his fiancé. "Good luck with everything," he says to her. "The wedding and all that."

"You too," she replies, and manages a smile that doesn't reach her eyes – she still looks stunned, and confused, and that fills him with a satisfaction he can't really explain. "Have a good life, Buck."

Buck hoists Christopher into his arms, bumps shoulders with Eddie and says, "The best," before flashing her one last grin, turning his back.

And as they cross the street, Eddie mutters, so only Buck can hear it, "What a fucking bitch," and he's the pettiest, most jealous man and Buck adores him for it.

**


	11. Chapter 11

One day ago

As May's graduation party winds down, and the first lot of guests trickle out, Eddie finds himself seated at the table in the backyard with the rest of the team, Buck on his right and Hen on his left. The kids are inside playing – he can see Christopher doubled over with laughter as Harry and Denny wrestle on the floor – and Buck's shoulder is pressed against his comfortably.

"So," Athena says, a glint in her eye. "How are you boys doing? Living together, working together…"

"They're together all the time," Maddie says. She and Chimney disappeared for a bit, but then came back, both suspiciously giggly. Eddie suspects they had a quickie in Chimney's car, but he has no proof. "They even go grocery shopping together."

Eddie glances at Buck, who is, of course, grinning from ear to ear. Eddie decides to let Buck handle the line of questioning and swigs his Coke. "Well, things are great," Buck replies. "Cap hasn't fired either one of us, yet, so we can't really complain."

"Nearly did after the derailment the other night," Bobby points out.

"Yeah, but you didn't."

"But I will, if I have to."

"Yeah, we'll see." Buck is as cocky as ever. "Everything is great."

"Do you ever think it's weird that you didn't do the dating thing?" Karen asks, leaning forward with interest. "I mean, first you're just friends, and then Hen tells me you're together, and then the next thing she says is that you're living together _already._ Have you ever been out on a date?"

"Yeah, we go out on dates," Buck replies, and when they all start giggling and teasing them with a collective, " _ooooh_ ," he holds his hands up and says defensively, "Hey guys, I'm super romantic, okay?"

"You don't go out on dates," Chimney says dismissively. "Not the way we do."

"We went out for dinner after work last week to a restaurant," Eddie speaks up. Granted, it was an In-n-Out Burger, but they don't need to know that.

"Without Christopher," Hen clarifies.

"Yes, without Christopher." The truth was they tried to go out, just the two of them, once a week – whether it was out to dinner, or to the beach for a surf (they were both still learning), or just to a bar for a drink, they were making sure they had time alone together. Eddie _loved it_ more than he would ever admit – loved it when they were walking along and Buck's arm would slip around his shoulders, or when they were in a restaurant and he'd catch Buck gazing at him adoringly, or even when he'd do something ridiculously clichéd, like buying him a rose, or holding a door open for him. Eddie pretended to hate it – he'd groan, or roll his eyes – but he secretly loved _everything about it_ – loved being romanced; loved the way Buck smiled at him. Once they'd even slow danced in the backyard – it had started out as a joke but it hadn't ended that way, and ever since then, sometimes Eddie would pull Buck into his arms when they were alone and dance with him, just because he could.

He was so stupidly happy and in love and over the moon, and he'd never felt this way before, not even about Shannon.

"I'm just so amazed by this whole thing," Karen says again. Her head is on her hand, and she's gazing at them with fascination. "You two were falling in love the whole time and nobody knew it." At that, everyone else groans, and Karen looks around in confusion. "What? What?"

" _We_ all knew," Maddie says, resting her head on Chimney's shoulder. " _They_ didn't know."

"I knew first," Hen says smugly.

"I think I did," Maddie argues. "When my brother wouldn't stop talking about Eddie every single chance he got."

"I just think it's so romantic," Karen says dreamily. "Don't you all think it's romantic?"

Everyone mumbles and shifts in their seats. Bobby finally says, "I would prefer it if they weren't working so closely together, but we're all happy for them. Of course we are."

Eddie and Buck exchange a look, and Buck says, "Listen, it just took awhile, but we figured it out."

"And maybe we didn't need all the angst about it, huh?" Chimney points out. "A pair of drama queens, both of you. Buck especially." Buck rolls his eyes at that.

"Is it even sustainable?" Athena asks seriously. "Living together, working together – you're together almost 24 hours a day. How long can you carry on like this?"

Buck shrugs. "If it gets to be too much, we'll talk about then. Right now, it's fine. You guys know that all I wanted was a family of my own, somewhere I fit in, and I finally found that. So I'm good. This is it for me."

"I knew the next time you fell in love with someone, it would be the real deal," Maddie says, pointing to him. "After all that drama with Abby. Did you end up catching up with her?"

"I did. Eddie was a total dick about it."

They're all laughing as Eddie elbows him. "I wasn't a dick about it," he admonishes.

"You were openly hostile and very, very possessive," Buck replies, "and she was uncomfortable."

Eddie rolls his eyes. "I don't care."

"I wish I'd been there to see that, seems like it would've been quite the show," Athena remarks, leaning against Bobby, who slides an arm around her shoulders. "I always liked Abby, but she wasn't right for you, Buckaroo. You just needed to figure that out for yourself."

Buck and Eddie exchange another look, and for the first time in front of the group, Eddie threads his fingers with Buck's and kisses him on the cheek. Maddie lets out a long, drawn out squeal, and covers her mouth with her hands.

"Shut up," Buck says to her, and she lets out another giggle, sharing an excited look with Chimney.

_There's something going on there_ , Eddie thinks, but his train of thought is derailed when Christopher suddenly calls out for them. Buck's up instantly, hurrying into the house to kneel beside him on the floor. Eddie crosses one leg over the other and watches as Christopher whispers something into Buck's ear.

"Did you sort out the stuff with the school?" Bobby asks curiously. "I know you were having trouble with them."

Eddie nods, turning his attention back to the group. "Yeah, I was able to put Buck down as the emergency contact and all that stuff," he replies. "The government isn't happy about it, but Carla assures me that she can figure it out, so I'm leaving it in her hands. Buck's selling his apartment and we're going to buy a place together."

"Wow," Hen murmurs. "So soon."

"Doesn't seem to be much reason to waste time. I need to get it all sorted; my parents are giving us a hard time." Eddie glances in at Buck and Christopher again. They seem to be having a serious conversation, and all of Buck's attention is focused on Christopher while the other two boys wrestle in the background.

"About you coming out?" Michael asks with concern – he had, after all, been in Eddie's shoes most recently.

"That, and the fact that I'm already in a serious relationship, and he's moved in, and Christopher adores him so much," Eddie says with a shrug. "They're not thrilled about any of it. I've been getting passive aggressive messages. I didn't really come out, as such. I just told them Buck was my partner and that they had to deal with it, which didn't really go down that well."

"You could've been more delicate," Maddie points out. "But I get why you weren't."

"Yeah, and considering they knew Buck and liked him before they knew we were together, suddenly they didn't," Eddie says with a laugh. "And then Christopher was all over him and they were even madder, but anyway. It doesn't matter; I'm not losing any sleep over it. I'm getting the impression that nothing I can do will appease them, and they're always going to be disapproving of the way I live my life and raise my son, so why worry about them anymore?"

"I'm sorry they weren't more understanding," Karen says sympathetically. "It can be rough."

"We're okay," Eddie reassures her, as Buck carries Christopher outside.

"Chris wants to go home," he says, raising his eyebrows. "He's tired."

"Well, we better take off then," Eddie replies, rising to his feet. "You okay, buddy?"

"Yeah, just tired," Christopher yawns from his perch on Buck's hip. "Big day tomorrow."

Buck and Eddie exchange a quick look, hoping the others wouldn't pick up on it. "Kind of," Eddie agrees. "All right guys, we're out. We'll see you at work on Saturday."

"Thanks for the party, Athena," Buck says, blowing her a kiss.

"You're welcome, sweetheart," she says, and then gives him a pointed look, missing absolutely nothing, as always. "Why is tomorrow a big day?"

"We're—" Christopher starts to speak but Eddie covers his mouth with his hand and cuts in smoothly, "going to the zoo."

All eyes are on them quizzically. Christopher shakes his head, laughing, and shrieks when Buck tickles him and swiftly carries him away.

"See you Saturday," Eddie says again, throwing his hand up in a wave as he follows them out through the house.

What he doesn’t see is the look that passes between the group, and Maddie telling them that she saw Buck wearing a ring on his left hand when she stopped by to visit them that he quickly took off and hid from her. Chimney says that he thinks something is going on because they both look stupidly happy and it's annoying; Karen is the first to ponder aloud as to whether or not they're planning on getting married, and everyone laughs and says no, of course they're not, it's only been a few months, and they only just started living together and then Maddie gasps and says, "They're definitely getting married; Buck has definitely proposed," and then Bobby groans, rubs his forehead and says, "How am I going to keep it a secret from the department if they do that?"

And when Harry and Denny charge outside together, Denny's the one who shouts at Hen and Karen that Christopher told him that Buck and Eddie are getting married tomorrow and that he's going to have two dads and he's really excited about it. That's when Maddie starts to cry, brokenhearted that Buck wouldn't tell her, and they're all looking hurt and betrayed, but Karen, the voice of reason, says, "This is not because they don't love you or trust you, it's because they want to keep this for themselves, and it is not personal." And she's right, but Maddie cries in the car on the way home, and Athena and Bobby grumble to each other about it as they're cleaning up, and Hen wakes up in the morning after the party, does a group call with everyone and tells them they're going to be there for them, as their family, no matter what. And then she calls Carla, who willingly gives up the details.

**


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter.
> 
> Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed. <3

Today

"I don't want to wear a tie," Christopher complains, pushing away both options. "Dad, no."

"You have to wear a tie, mijo, it's my wedding day." Eddie kneels in front of him, holding them both up again. "Red or blue, bud. Red or blue."

"Blue," Buck calls from the other room, so Eddie holds it up pointedly.

Christopher sighs. "Fine." He lets Eddie do up the tie and straighten his shirt, groaning when Eddie gives him a series of quick kisses on the forehead. "Stop, Dad."

"You're getting so damn big," Eddie murmurs, and pulls him close. "My little man."

Christopher relents and hugs him back.

"Come on. I have to fix Buck up," he says, rising to his feet again. "Wait for us in the living room."

"Okay," Christopher huffs, and starts down the hallway.

Eddie returns to the bedroom, where Buck is puzzling over his tie in the mirror. "Is it… over and across or…"

"Here, let me do it," he says, feeling nervous and not really knowing why. Buck is silent while Eddie ties his tie, and when he's finished Buck looks at himself in the mirror and grins.

"I clean up pretty well. Going to make some lucky man very happy today."

Eddie smacks his butt and reaches over to grab his jacket from the bed. "Where's your jacket?"

"I'm not wearing one."

"You have to wear one. We're getting married."

Buck sighs. "It's hot!"

"If I can survive—"

"Yeah, yeah, if you can survive thousand degree heat in the middle of the Afghanistan desert while wearing a hundred pounds of gear and dodging missiles and torpedoes and bullets and whatever the fuck else, I can wear a suit jacket," Buck teases, and grabs it from the cupboard. "Fine."

Eddie makes a face at him. "I'm going to forget you said that on our wedding day."

"You'll just have to make me pay for it later tonight," Buck smirks. "Come on."

~

They're booked in for a court service at 11am, and they collect Abuela on the way to the courthouse in the city. Carla meets them outside, already on the verge of tears. "My boys," she says, hugging Eddie first, kissing Christopher on the cheek and then spending a lingering moment with her hands cupping Buck's face, gazing up at him. "I'm so happy for you, Buckaroo."

"Thank you Carla," Buck says seriously, pulling her in for a bear hug.

They head up the stairs and into the building, and are directed to their courtroom. Eddie's holding Buck's hand, nervous but not sure why. He checks his watch, running through everything in his head that they had to do – they lodged the paperwork in time, they paid the fee, their witnesses are with them, Christopher is riding around on Buck's back looking like the happiest kid in the world, and then he realises what it is.

"We should've told them," he says to Buck suddenly, coming to a stop in the hallway. "We should've told them last night."

Buck turns to him with concern. "We decided not to," he says, hitching Christopher up on his back. "We didn't want a fanfare."

"Yeah, but… they're our family," Eddie points out. "We chose the 118 as our family, right? And we didn't even give them a chance to come along, and… I feel so guilty."

"So we'll postpone," Buck says. "And we'll tell them. We'll re-book for next week." He doesn't want to do that, because they're all dressed up, and they've got plans to have lunch together to celebrate, and he just doesn't want to go another day without being married to Buck. All eyes are on him, as he chews his lower lip anxiously, and then Buck says gently, "Eds, it's okay. They will understand."

Eddie looks up at him uncertainly.

"They've been a part of our whole relationship. We can have this one thing for ourselves." Buck sets Christopher down on the floor, kneeling down to straighten out his shirt and tie, and pinching his cheek lightly to make him smile. "Besides," he adds, looking up at Eddie. "I will die if I don't marry you today, and that's just a fact."

"A fact," Christopher repeats with a giggle.

"It's fine," Carla says reassuringly. "This is your wedding day, Eddie. Be happy."

"Okay," he says. "Sorry. I just… I don't know."

"Diaz-Buckley?" one of the court staffers calls.

"We're doing this," Buck says, standing up and lifting Christopher onto his hip. He holds out his fist, and Eddie grins as he bumps it with his own. "Come on Diaz, let's make an honest man out of you."

They're about to walk into the courtroom when a familiar voice shouts, "Wait! WAIT!" from the entryway.

He knows who it is without having to turn around, but what he doesn't know is how they found out – and suddenly the room is filled with noise and commotion, and he turns around to find Maddie, Chimney, Hen, Karen, Denny, Nia, Bobby, Athena, Michael, May and Harry rushing towards them.

"How did they know?" Eddie asks, turning to Buck in confusion.

Carla clears her throat guiltily. "I got an urgent phone call this morning from Henrietta, demanding to know when and where it was happening."

"Traitor," Buck hisses at her, and she makes a face at him.

"I know you don't think you two are getting married without us," Athena shouts at them. "What's the meaning of all this secrecy?"

Buck sets Christopher down on the floor, and holds out his hands innocently. "We were gonna tell you tomorrow, at work," he replies. "It's not a big deal. Eddie just couldn't live without being my husband for another day, so we're gonna do the right thing and get hitched."

Maddie's already weeping, and she pulls Buck in for a hug. "You weren't going to t-tell me," she manages to say. " _Buck._ "

"We were going to send out a mass text," he tries to joke, but her grip on him tightens. "I'm sorry, okay?"

"You should be sorry, thinking that I don't want to see my baby brother get married!"

Eddie meets Bobby's eyes briefly, and then looks away guiltily. He was, after all, the one who convinced Buck not to tell anyone, but it doesn't surprise him at all when Buck takes the blame, holds his hands up and announces, "Guys, chill out. We were just going to do this part, make it official for the school and the adoption and all that, and then we were going to have a big party in a few weeks. It's all good."

"Very romantic," Athena says sternly.

"Mr Diaz?" the court official taps him on the shoulder. "It's time."

"Well, we don't really need your blessing," Buck is saying to Athena, and she affixes him with a stare that should've made his blood run cold. Instead he grins and says, "Come on, guys. When have Eddie and I ever done anything the right way?"

Hen sighs. "Well, that is true."

"So of course we'd screw this up as well, but we're getting married today. So stop looking so sad and come in and watch Eddie lock down the hottest guy in LA."

"Jesus Christ, Buck," Chimney groans. "You're insufferable."

"And you all love it," Buck says, taking Eddie by the hand. "Or else you wouldn't be here."

Bobby meets Eddie's eyes again, and when he smiles, Eddie relaxes. "Of course," he says, placing both hands on Athena's shoulders. "We're only giving you a hard time. Are you guys ready for this?"

Eddie and Buck exchange a look, and Eddie says without any hesitation, "God, yes," and Buck blushes a deep, deep red, pulls him in for a quick kiss and then pushes open the courtroom door.

"Let's do this thing."

Ten minutes later, they're married.

~~

They decide to take the post-wedding celebrations to Eddie's house – which is not in a state suitable for visitors, so he makes Buck take everyone out into the backyard while he tidies up. Buck is sweltering in his jacket, and once Eddie is out of sight he takes it off and lays it on the picnic table.

"He is going to let us into the AC, right?" Maddie calls to Buck, fanning her face.

"Just one more second!" Eddie shouts from the house.

"We weren't expecting guests," Buck says ruefully. "We were going to have the reception at the beach, but you guys turned up looking all fancy. So now we're here."

"Okay, come in!" Eddie's voice drifts out to the yard, and they all file up the stairs. Buck is about to follow Maddie when a hand claps on his shoulder.

Bobby steers him back out to the backyard, under the shade of a tree, and gives him a serious look. "You should've told us." _You should've told me._

Buck nods. "I know. We thought you'd try to talk us out of it."

"Athena and I didn't wait very long to get married either," Bobby points out. "When you're with the right person, you know. And you did, right from the start. You should be thanking me, you know. I employed him."

Buck grins. "Somehow, I think we would've found each other without you. But I'm glad you did."

Bobby squeezes his shoulder. "I'm really proud of you, Buck," he says seriously. "I can't believe how much you've grown up in the time we've known each other."

"Thank you," Buck says quietly. "I know I've been a pain in your ass this year."

Bobby raises his eyebrows. "That's an understatement."

"I know. I just… I've always been trying to find my place, and my people," he says quietly. "And sometimes I don't think things through."

"It's a good quality and a bad quality at the same time," Bobby replies gently. "It gives you great instincts in the field, but not so much in your personal life."

Buck nods, resting his hands on his hips. "But I have great instincts when it comes to Eddie."

Bobby smiles. "It did take a long time for you two to figure it out. For _you_ to figure it out."

"I think I knew… it's the way he looks at me. He doesn't look at anyone the way he looks at me."

"And he's always looking at you, Buck."

As if to prove a point, Eddie appears on the back porch, gazing out at them worriedly.

Buck smiles reassuringly at him, and turns back to Bobby. "When did you know we were in love?" he asks hesitantly.

"I had a bad feeling from the first day," Bobby says bluntly, "when you two were sizing each other up. But if you ask me when I really knew… it was the tsunami, when we were at the VA hospital, and Eddie and Maddie had a screaming match about who should get to take you home. He's not prone to a lot of emotion but that night, when you were passed out on the stretcher, he was about as worked up as I have ever seen him. And when Maddie left, with you in her car, he sat down on the footpath and hugged Chris and cried."

Buck swallows hard. "I didn't know that."

"When it comes to you, Buck, he's all in," Bobby says. "You were under his skin from the moment you met. I think you know that."

Buck nods.

"I know you've been searching for your place in the world, but I think you can stop looking."

He laughs, on the verge of tears, and says, "Yeah, I stopped… I stopped awhile ago, actually. When he told me he loved me. That's when I knew I was home."

Bobby takes him by the shoulders and says to him, very seriously, "I love you, Buck. You've made me so proud."

"I love you too, Bobby," he replies, and they hug tightly.

~

Carla surprises the group by organising Aunt Pepa to deliver a cake – just a plain, white cake from a bakery, but it was something that neither Buck nor Eddie had given any thought to. She whisks it away to the kitchen, Maddie at her heels, and when they return, it's alight with candles. The kids' eyes light up, and they all gather around the table, as Maddie passes Buck a knife to cut the cake. Once the candles are blown out and everyone has cheered and clapped, Abuela takes the knife and the cake from Eddie with a look of admonishment, and sets about cutting it up.

"Speech," Bobby calls from the back, exchanging a grin with Michael.

Buck and Eddie glance at each other. Buck's been smiling so much all day his cheeks hurt, and Eddie's a little flushed, unaccustomed to so much attention.

"I'll go," Eddie says to Buck, slipping an arm around his waist. "Um, thank you, everyone, for being here today, and again, sorry we tried to elope."

The group laughs, and phone cameras flash.

Eddie wrestles with what to say for a moment, glancing up at Buck uncertainly, but when their eyes meet he seems to collect his thoughts, and then says, "What I want to say is, um, thank you, to everyone, for being there for us, when we weren't really sure what we were doing. We were both a bit lost and unhappy, and you guys all gave us support. You've never judged us for doing this the hard way, and I know we were both a bit difficult… the first half of this year wasn't easy," he murmurs, looking up at Buck again for support. "But um… when Evan and I finally got together and talked this through, we realised that… we already had everything we needed for a strong relationship, so there was no need to take our time anymore. We waited long enough already, and so… marriage was something we talked about, right away. And we didn't tell you because… we were worried – well, I was worried – that you guys would try to talk us out of it. But I knew pretty early on that he's the only person for me."

Buck says, because he can't help himself, "He's been trying to lock me down since day one."

They all laugh; Eddie elbows him and hisses, "I'm trying to do something nice here," but relents when Buck kisses his forehead. "Anyway. Christopher said that he wanted us to get married, and he's usually right, about everything, so here we are. Married." He pauses, and then gives Buck a funny look. "I married you today."

"You did," Buck agrees. "I was there. We all saw it, and you can't take it back."

Eddie's grinning at him, with that special smile of his, the one reserved only for Buck. "Anyway," he says, clearing his throat, turning back to the group. "Thank you all for being there for us, and we're going to try to keep things pretty chill from now on."

"Super chill," Buck agrees. "No more hysterics."

"I'll believe it when I see it," Athena remarks.

~

Buck is cleaning up the kitchen when Eddie calls to him from Christopher's room. He pads down the hall, stretching his arms over his head, and pauses in the doorway. "What's up?"

Christopher is sitting up in bed, Eddie lying beside him. "Tell him what you just told me," Eddie says, nudging his son pointedly.

"I said we're all Diaz's now," Christopher says proudly. "All of us."

Buck leans against the doorframe. "It's all you, kid," he says. "You wanted it, you made it happen."

"And you're going to adopt me."

"Yeah, I am. Making our best friends forever thing official."

Christopher smiles at him, leaning back into Eddie's arms. "Do you think Mom would be happy?" he asks Eddie seriously.

Eddie's eyes flick to Buck, but he says, "Yeah, I think she would be happy. She knows that you've got two people who love you more than anything, and that we're not going anywhere. She would be so proud of you. You've been through a lot this year and you're doing great."

Christopher looks over at Buck, and pats the bed. "Buck, come sit."

So Buck does, lying across their legs to make them laugh. "Are you happy?" he asks Christopher seriously.

"Yes." Christopher looks up at Eddie. "Now I am. Now that I have you both and Buck won't leave. I used to hate it when you'd go home," he says to Buck, who smiles sadly at him.

"Yeah, you'd pout," Eddie agrees. "But Buck always came back to us."

"I had to," Buck says. "You're my two favourite guys."

Eddie's smiling at him with watery eyes, and he presses a kiss to Christopher's temple and says, "Okay, mijo, should Buck read us a story?"

" _The BFG_ ," Christopher says instantly, reaching past Eddie for the book on the bedside table.

"Again?" Buck asks, letting out an exaggerated groan. "You're obsessed! Can't we read _Matilda_ instead?"

"No, I like it when you do the voices," Christopher insists, pushing the book towards Buck. "Please, Buck."

"All right, but in the morning you are going to have to repay me by letting me pick the cartoon," Buck says seriously. "That is not up for negotiation."

Christopher curls up against Eddie, his head on his chest, nodding obediently. Eddie runs his hand through his hair and closes his eyes as Buck starts to read.

~~

And sometimes things are rough, and life brings its ups and downs, but for the most part their life is happy and filled with love. A few years later another baby rounds out their family, and their lives are full of school drop-offs, work, holiday road trips, adventures to the beach, music and movies and Lego, dancing in the backyard, making pancakes for breakfast and sometimes for dinner, working 24 hour shifts and feeling like hell but basking in the comfort of home life and stability, knowing what awaits them when they step through the threshold of their home.

And one day Eddie asks Buck what they'll do when the kids are grown and they're on their own, and Buck replies that they'll never really be on their own, because their lives are filled with family and friends and people all around, but they'll have each other. And that's all they need, really.

-end-


End file.
